Abominable plastic primates
Every year I go the the Chelsea Flower Show and every year a fibreglass gorilla is there. People walk past bemusedly looking at it. Some go up and look at the price tag and stagger away in disbelief. It is £14000. The fibrglass gorilla is surrounded on all sides by less bulky fibreglass things such as a sleeping hound, a mystic mermaid and various nymphs looking weak and submissive. The fibreglass gorilla does not look weak and submissive. If you opened your curtains of a morning and saw the fibreglass gorilla on your lawn you would not think ‘god that fibreglass gorilla looks weak and submissive’. In fact if you opened your curtains of a morning and saw the fibreglass gorilla on your lawn the least of your worries would be whether or not it looked weak and submissive. This is because a. You are likely to have far too much money to care. b. You have the aesthetic sensibility of Jordan after she has done a BA in Bad Taste from the University of Poundland and c. You are a laughing stock for miles around because you have paid £14000 to have a fibreglass gorilla on your lawn. Garden gnomes are banned from the Chelsea Flower Show because they are in bad taste. Garden gnomes are, on average, around 12 inches in height. You can easily hide a garden gnome under a tasteful tuscan pot or behind a stunning stipa gigantea. For all we know the whole of the Chelsea Flower Show could be secretly stuffed with bad taste garden gnomes that are hidden from view by dint of their diminutive dimensions. If the RHS will not allow the open display of garden gnomes then WHY OH WHY DO THEY ALLOW THE ANNUAL DISPLAY OF THIS SIX FOOT ABOMINATION? It’s right opposite Titmarsh’s bunker too. Some plastic things shouldn’t be allowed. That’s two for starters.