I’ve always maintained that if you want to know what any organisation is really like then just pay a visit to their toilet. This, after all, is the place in any outfit where one of the most basic of human needs is provided for. Just recently I’ve been doing some work for an organisation that, outwardly, appears rational, cool and efficient. There was an air of bland corporate disinterest I detected on my first visit; far more so than in competitors premises. I put this down to them being quite new; there’s definitely something I can’t quite put my finger on. There’s definitely something I don’t want to put my finger on happening in the gents toilets. On my first visit I found that somebody had been reading ‘Sex in the City Magazine’ in one of the cubicles and had helpfully left it on the floor along with half a tonne of unused shredded toilet paper scattered all over the floor. [Human Hamster Frenzy?] I was transfixed by this arrangement having never seen anything quite like it before. And I am Experienced I can tell you. One of my previous rôles was as a dispenser of purification services to Her Majesty’s Public Conveniences. I was, for a brief interlude, a bog cleaner extraordinaire. I would travel from bog to bog in a large yellow bog box van [don’t ask]. I would enter each convenience fully equipped for the cleansing thereof. Within I would encounter all manner of arrangements, many of which are unsuitable for a family bog blog such as this. Suffice it to say, I’ve seen all sorts [and I refer not to the liquorice variety]. Anyway, I drift. As did the aroma from Sex and the City central and not in a pleasant way. Gasping for air I turned about heel and exited the facility pronto preferring to reserve my precious bodily fluids for less troubled waters. This was several months ago and since then I’ve attempted several more visits to the same ‘restroom’ [Americans are so descriptively coy yet so uninhibited à l’intérieur]. Each time I’ve been repelled by various scenes of toiletory devastation. Latterly, it was obvious, via three of my five senses, that a severe blockage had occurred. An unattractive water feature had been effected within which was suspended various items of a Bazalgettian nature. I am left feeling at once perplexed, repelled and not a little inconvenienced. The lavatorial psychologists among you may be able to enlighten me as to what I can infer in respect of a wealthy firm staffed by highly qualified people. Isn’t Feng Shui big on bogs?

Dear Customer
I would like to draw your attention to the following.
Just because your planning processes are non existent still developing, this does not mean that you can ask me to reorganise my week to meet your needs and then attempt to drop me at the last minute when you realise you’ve cocked up again over estimaticated your requirements viz drs in da house. The Terms clearly state: “Once the deal has been strucketh, thou wilst pay me a large wedge whether thoust needest me or thou dost not needeth me. Endeth of.” I look forward to spending the rest of our remaining time together fulfilling my part of the deal.

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