Archive for May, 2010

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

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Abominable plastic primates

Thursday, May 27th, 2010
Chelsea 2009 Chelsea 2010

Every year I go the the Chelsea Flower Show and every year a fibreglass gorilla is there. People walk past bemusedly looking at it. Some go up and look at the price tag and stagger away in disbelief. It is £14000. The fibrglass gorilla is surrounded on all sides by less bulky fibreglass things such as a sleeping hound, a mystic mermaid and various nymphs looking weak and submissive. The fibreglass gorilla does not look weak and submissive. If you opened your curtains of a morning and saw the fibreglass gorilla on your lawn you would not think ‘god that fibreglass gorilla looks weak and submissive’. In fact if you opened your curtains of a morning and saw the fibreglass gorilla on your lawn the least of your worries would be whether or not it looked weak and submissive. This is because a. You are likely to have far too much money to care. b. You have the aesthetic sensibility of Jordan after she has done a BA in Bad Taste from the University of Poundland and c. You are a laughing stock for miles around because you have paid £14000 to have a fibreglass gorilla on your lawn. Garden gnomes are banned from the Chelsea Flower Show because they are in bad taste. Garden gnomes are, on average, around 12 inches in height. You can easily hide a garden gnome under a tasteful tuscan pot or behind a stunning stipa gigantea. For all we know the whole of the Chelsea Flower Show could be secretly stuffed with bad taste garden gnomes that are hidden from view by dint of their diminutive dimensions. If the RHS will not allow the open display of garden gnomes then WHY OH WHY DO THEY ALLOW THE ANNUAL DISPLAY OF THIS SIX FOOT ABOMINATION? It’s right opposite Titmarsh’s bunker too.  Some plastic things shouldn’t be allowed. That’s two for starters.

Yawning gap

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

Annoying deluded person: “Wasn’t it lovely when they were walking in the door of number 1o? He looked so chuffed.”

drD thinks: Er no, it was pretty soul destroying actually. Some of us resent multi-millionaire toffs seizing control of our government to further their capitalist rich-boy agenda comrade.

Annoying deluded person: “Everything feels so hopeful again, like a fresh start.”

drD thinks: You mean like Tony Blair in 1997?

Annoying deluded person: “I thought it was really good that ministers will be taking a 5% pay cut”

drD thinks: Yep it’ll sure make all the redundant workers and re-possessed homeowners feel better that multi-millionaire cabinet ministers will be getting £137000  instead of £144000.

Annoying deluded person: “I think the coalition will be really good for the country; parties working together.”

drD thinks: Don’t you mean backstabbing each other as usual?

Annoying deluded person: “I really like David Cameron”

drD thinks: Oh sod off will you.

Change you can believe in

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Change you can believe in

One cannot help but notice the decrepitude of those appointed to high office by The Powerful Ones. Ken Clarke has always looked a bit shagged out. I suspect this is due to his fondness for Tobacco and real ale. He is also now nearly  seventy years old. What better candidate to represent the fresh, modern face of twenty first century Britain. What better way to present this  than by dressing up in wig, tights, shiny shoes and a gold trimmed cape. Truly the spirit of change is upon us. Form an orderly queue for your gruel peasants.

Change you can believe in

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

One cannot help but notice the strains of high office manifested in the premature ageing of The Powerful Ones. Tony Blair was a fresh faced youth upon taking office in 1997 yet, just a few years later, he was going grey and looked knackered. Nobody needs to Labour the point (geddit) that Gordon looked seriously shagged out by the time he exited stage left yesterday. He too was a healthy looking specimen when first he walked into Downing Street.

Before
After Now the New Lot are in and already we see how, within moments of assuming office, Our Glorious Leader has begun to decompose before our very eyes, such is the burden of Changeyoucanbelieveinwereallinthistogether.

Compare the election poster from a few weeks ago (above) to the image of Our Glorious Leader taken today (left). Notice the key areas of decomposition which have already started to manifest themselves on Our Glorious Leader’s once impeccable features. How cruel the ravages of leadership. How worrying that things as we saw them before May 6th may not not be as we see them afterwards.

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

Election reflection
1. Joan Collins praising Cameron, describing him as looking ‘Presidential’. Endorsement from an embalmed woman famous for playing an evil scheming bitch.  No need for Thatch this time round then.
2. Ed Vaizey looking uncomfortable when asked by Paxo if he’d ever consider getting into bed with Lord Mandelson.
3. The real reason for the delay: Gordon Brown frantically unscrewing fixtures and fittings inside No 10 before removal van arrives.

Election day

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Google Election Day logo

Just over 13 years ago today we jumped up and down with glee, drank champagne and looked forward to a future different to the grim past we’d endured for 18 years. Hateful politicians, indifferent to their grinding down of public life, their self-serving sleazy behaviour and their nasty mantra of telling you that they were screwing you for your own good – they were ejected in the biggest political landslide in generations. Some of this now sounds familiar to present voters. How things change. And how they stay the same. Having waited so long for my party to gain power, my sense today, as it seems unlikely they will keep it, is one of pride at what has been achieved with all the social advances that have been made. Shame, that all the good has been undermined by some stupid decisions borne of detachment from the political faith they promised to keep when they came to power. Hope, that the predictions of defeat may not come to pass and despair about what lies ahead if they do. That sunny May morning of 13 years ago seems a distant place now but I will never forget the feeling that something really really good had happened. Tomorrow morning doesn’t look like it’s going to be sunny or warm and the forecast is not looking too good for the next few years.

Electofacts

  • Today is Tony Blair’s birthday.
  • Number 10 Downing Street was number 5 until 1779.

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

Change you can believe in

Etiquettical observations

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010
Etiquette Generally speaking, the use of a mobile telephone is an intrusive act when in company. In fact it can be considered intrusive even when in proximity; such as when one is in a busy public place, a train carriage or even walking on the street. One must remember that those around you can hear your side of the conversation and cannot help but do so. The details of the chatter compel them to eavesdrop and occupy their thoughts with your dialogue against their will. This is poor form.

Insensitive is the friend who answers a call mid-conversation. Rude is the friend who does this repeatedly. Unforgivable, one who initiates trivial calls or text messages when in company. Switch off your phone when with friends, otherwise you communicate to them the message that there is someone more important than them vying for your attention. If this is true then you have no business expecting your friends to value your friendship.  They too will probably want to be elsewhere rather than spend time as a filler between your phone calls. Show your friends respect and you will keep them.