Archive for February, 2010

Incident number two

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Back in August I acquired a more detailed understanding of my neighbours’ effluence. There was a rather more disgusting element of that story which I did not document at the time. Namely the fact that the effluence of the neighbours had caused a Blockage. For some reason, as yet unknown to me, I decided that this was something that I would have to tackle alone, unaided by man, beast or Dynorod. After what turned out to be four of the worst hours of my life – I kid you not. I had removed around 25lbs of what appeared to be the remnants of a giant disposable nappy from the main sewer serving my East Wing. I later, in conversation with Bignjuicy Borough Council’s King of Drains, learned that this material is highly likely to have been compacted nappy liners. Apparently these things are the single biggest cause of blocked drains known to mankind. Now who, we might wonder, would put half a ton of nappy liners down the drain? Certainly not I or Mrs D or Junior D or Hamster D – no I am reasonably certain (ie 100 bleedin percent) that it is da Neighbours – who just  happen to have a big bouncing ever-screaming baby. Yes, the fact that in all my years of living here I have never ever had any problems of the sewage kind and yet, within 6 months of Mr and Mrs Nappy Liner moving in next door we have our own cess pit where there didn’t oughta be one – convinces me that it was Their Bleedin Fault. You might be wondering why I’ve chosen 28th February to write this one up. You might be thinking I’m clearing a backlog (that would be kind of appropriate I grant ye). Well, the reason is that this morning one of my Facilities of the Flushing Kind has started to behave a little unusually. The same kind of unusualness that preceded August’s little Gangesfest. I am preparing for the worst. I have drafted a letter to their landlord; I have taken legal advice, I have consulted again the King of Drains. This time the Forces of Hell (© Alistair Darling) will be unleashed. This time the s**t really will hit the fan. After it has been removed from where it is currently languishing of course.

Hate Serving Bank’s Customers?

Friday, February 26th, 2010

Crap bank

Then why not not serve them! Yes, why not replace most of  your staff with poorly designed machines that don’t work properly. Reduce the size of your branches so that your victims customers have to queue cheek by jowl to use your crappy machines. Install two badly paid, badly dressed assistants to hover around the victims customers as they battle against the electric emporium, making them feel like they’re incompetent for taking too much time. Why not design your machines so that they reject any deposit which does not consist of mint condition bank notes or perfectly aligned cheques with paying-in slips. When the machine fails for the tenth time to accept the tenner with a minute crease in the left hand corner curtly, send your victim upstairs to another queue so they can pay in the defective money to a human been. When they reach the front of that queue, throw a form at them to be filled in and tell them to step aside whilst they ‘serve’ another victim. Make your victims feel about as welcome as a flatulent episode in a tight space suit. On no account actually serve them.
HSBCFirst Direct‘s weakest link.


A load of old *****
Can you imagine walking into a pharmacy and asking for this? Or placing it on the conveyor belt at the supermarket. Some products should never be made or,.  at most, should only spoken about in Circles. Certainly not plastered all over the interweb.

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Unfortunately named Olympic ski jumpers: no 1
Mr Wank
Unfortunately named Directors of investment banks: no 1
Dr Takeshita

Countdown 2

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Aside from the European President, who else do you know has the charisma of a damp rag?

Countdown 1

Fait accompli

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Do you ever get those situations where you find yourself doing something you’d not expected to be doing but you just go along with it because it seems that somehow you are meant to be doing that. All of the pieces of an unknown but very interesting puzzle tumble assuredly into place according to some unknown masterplan of another’s making. It’s as though you are a human tram on invisible magic rails embarked on a charmed voyage through a Disneyesque landscape where all the little bunnies and cutie creatures emerge from the golden flowers as you pass to waggle their tails in greeting and frolic excitedly as you glide majestically on your way. Propelled inexorably to your unknown destination, you’ve a sixth sense that when you get there you’re going to like it even though you’ve never been there before and it never occurred to you to go there. I can’t say I’ve ever had one of these situations before. Believing in fate is something I tried to give up as part of my personal Enlightenment. But, as they say, ‘Once a Catholic’… Perhaps I’m prefabricating my own promised land premised on previous programming. There are situations where fate seems to be the only explanation.

Countdown 0

And we’re back

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Farewell Blogger / Bloogle / Gloogle / Goggle or whatever you call yourself now. Thanks for the email telling me you were going to discontinue servicing my requirements due to being amazingly huge and indifferent to mere prawns such as I. I have logged off and bogged off from you for the last time. I wiped my feet on the way out.

Farewell Haloscan / Halitosis / Hall of Fame / Echobeach  or whatever you call yourself now. Thanks for the email telling me you were going to discontinue servicing my requirements due to being amazingly cheap and unwilling to be free anymore to mere prawns such as I. I have logged off and bogged off from you for the last time. I exported my bits on the way out but you didn’t supply any instructions on how to glue them back together again. I can’t say I blame you; you’ve obviously got a load of work on divesting yourself of freeloaders such as I once was.

Hello WordPress. I’m growing fonder by the moment. I feel somehow that we are going places together. You have given me so many buttons and things and widgets to play with. Somehow I feel more in control of my own destiny and less at the mercy of  the blogglecloud or the halistasisphere. This may be a delusion. I’ve probably already uploaded my DNA to the CIA without even realising. So silkily sexily smooth was your installation. I like you WordPress. You press my buttons baby.

Offline for maintenance

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

This here blog will be offline whilst I fiddle around with its parts.
Shouldn’t be too long.
I might actually write something new as well when we come back.
BFN.