Archive for May, 2009
This week I got into a spot of bother because I 'told it like it is'. Someone caused a big problem for me and when tackled, apologised. They then went behind my back and took the piss out of me. I was not very impressed by this and told them so in no uncertain terms. 'Language' was used. Complaints were made. I was wrong apparently. Only I wasn't. The individual has never accepted responsibility for any of the appalling behaviour which dates back several years. The same nasty lying deceit goes on and on and nobody will put a stop to it. Perhaps I'm foolish to try, foolish to care enough about integrity, responsibility and decency. The offender got away with it again and I was made to look 'unstable' because I showed my anger. I'm dangerous. Unstable so it seems. Can't keep a lid on his emotions. Old enough to know better. Apparently not old enough yet. Thank goodness.
I'm still 30 something. At least parts of me are. But my 30 something exists in a time-bubble that has passed. I know this because when I talk to 30 somethings, the things that they are interested in are not the same things that my 30 something is interested in. They conform, rarely question their place in the scheme of things, follow the rules, tick all the boxes and expect to be rewarded well for what is, in reality, an OK job. I, on the other hand, am on mental escapades, constantly looking for ways to subvert things into a more interesting direction whilst smiling sweetly for the cameras. I'm dangerous. Being 30 something was often hopeful, frequently fun, definitely driven and, perhaps, unhealthily ambitious. Trajectories are important and the physical vitality at your disposal means that you expend disproportionate amounts of energy to see them through. Seeds of disaffection were sown. Inwardly knowing that my life was somehow not on quite the right path I continued onwards and upwards because that was 'what you do'. Each step, correct career development. Each step, further away from the real me. 30 something was fun whilst I played the game. The game, though was not enough.
This week I’ll mostly be 47. It only seems a moment ago that I was 42. 42 is sort of old. It’s sort of just over 40 which although ‘old’ when you are 16 is not really that old when you get to be 42. But 47. That’s nearly 50. And I’m noticing that I’m getting crustier and the funny thing is that I don’t care. That’s what mental decline does for you. You become more annoying and argumentative and less willing to put up with sh*t but you don’t really mind too much that people find you annoying. You actually quite enjoy the feeling that you are making an impact. For example, today I had to deal with the unfortunate case of the credit card company that failed to follow their own procedures and then tried to charge me Â£37.65 for having done so. Not only did I hear myself saying, “This is a terribly disconnected organisation. How much money are they wasting by having you deal with my problem in such an inefficient manner?” I also heard myself saying, “I expect to be compensated for my time in having to come here today when all of this could easily have been sorted out on the phone when I called two weeks ago.” I suspect that the 42 year old me would not have said those things. He might have got the same outcome but in a slightly less abrasive (dare I admit pompous) way. He might have felt a tad more awkward about speaking up for himself than 47 year old me. I still have gnawing uncertainties in these situations but I now believe in myself much more than I did when younger. I’m dangerous, I believe I’m right and I mean to have satisfaction! What has become of me? This week I’ll try to break my recent dearth of postings and get to grips with this final week of my 46thhood. Mainly as a way of creating something to look back on when I’m even more decrepit. Partly as a snapshot illustration of what might lie before you if you are younger. I never saw myself quite as I am now. This week I might see myself even more differently; I’ve not decided yet what to write about. Let’s see what happens.
Unfortunately named energy companies: no 1
Unfortunately named energy companies: no 1 Dong