Archive for March, 2009

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Note to self
Remember to keep the old toothbrush you use for cleaning the plughole well away from your current toothbrush.

Clienthell

Friday, March 27th, 2009

Dear Client from Hell
I just wanted to update you on the current position viz: your failure as a reasonable human being. Telling me that I am incompetent just as we are negotiating your Very Important Project was ill-advised. Did you not realise that this would make me hate you (more than previously)? Obviously not; the dinner invitation later in the same conversation is testament to your lack of understanding that I would much prefer a colonic frappé than spend an evening  in some awful  stuff-til-you-chuck watching you become even more obese. Your failure to pay me for months has lead me to the conclusion that you are a bastard. Sending me endless hurry-up emails about your deadlines and then cancelling the day before the deadline is the behaviour of an ill-mannered cretin. I do not believe your excuse that you had to leave the country urgently. Mainly because I saw you yesterday in Wong's All Day Eastern Buffet (2.99 inc dessert) with your enormous partner. You did not see me making V signs from across the street because you had your face in a bowl of something unmentionable at the time. I'm holding that image now as type, for that is how I will remember you. Soon you will learn that you are sacked. I have no more time to spend on you, oh Toxic One and have performed a cleansing ritual with green tea and a floppy disk.
I too have a Very Important Project; it's called My Sanity. Farewell Client From Hell. Not missing you. Ever.

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Prat Nav
I've heard stories like this before. I never trust any electronic device further than I can throw it. That seems to work quite well as a maxim. Smaller things like phones tend not to cause quite such catastrophic consequences as the heavier computers which tend to ruin your life if you foolishly believe they'll never go wrong.

Cockup
Primordial, or just a stroppy teenager? Every home should have one, a sixty foot penis on the roof. I wonder how they found out?

Cough

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

I'm a very naughty blogger aren't I?
I've always subscribed to the philosophy of "If you've nothing to say then keep quiet". Sadly, that's not especially compatible with the constant churn of the blogosphere. Nevertheless, I'm still here. Struck, I am, by the wave of derision and snobbery from the chattering classes following the departure of Jade Goody. We needed Jade. Now there's a big Jade shaped hole in the celebosphere; I wonder who'll fill it? The funniest line of hers was when she thought that the Mona Lisa was painted by 'Pistachio'. I wonder if she ever found out it wasn't.

I've been digging up bluebells. Not wild ones (you can relax) – unless, of course, the Bignjuicy estate counts as wild. The plants have been re-homed en-masse. I'm hoping for a glorious display of bluebellness in a wee while. Next project is snowdrop excavation. I love snowdrops. Mine have managed to establish themselves in the most obscure and invisible locations. Next year they will be centre stage.

I'm debating on whether to rid myself of the Client from Hell. One of the things I promised myself when I started this business was that I'd not put up with the sort of crapola I had to when I had a proper job. Last week Client from Hell crossed a line. I hadn't realised that the line was there until it was crossed and then I suddenly found that they were the wrong side of that line. I gained an insight into the way Client from Hell views our relationship and the word 'respect' does not feature. The money is good, there's a recession on, but there's that line…