Archive for March, 2008
Readers may wish to be aware of the following Health and Safety precautions.</font
1. Please ensure that you have an up-to-date tetanus vaccination before performing any self-flagellation. Lockjaw is not pleasant, especially if your daily life involves any activities which require you to open your mouth.
2. You are strongly advised to wear rubber gloves whilst doing any whipping. [ Suitable rubber gloves are the Marigold brand available from all major supermarkets ].
3. Whips should be well maintained to avoid any nasty cross-contamination of wounds. If you are in any doubt about the condition of your whip, have it checked by a qualified whip inspector prior to use.
4. Keep pets at home (preferably dressed in rubber for the duration).
5. Properly sterilise any nails to be driven into your flesh. Use Dettol or a medical grade disinfectant. Polished surgical steel nails are less likely to harbour bacteria and catch the light nicely for souvenir snapshots of your crucifixion experience. [ Don't forget the Marigolds during hammering-in !]
6. If you are intending to flog yourself senseless before being crucified please choose a suitable spot, away from children and horses. [ It may be advisable to have a first aid kit to hand ]
7. Poor quality crosses or cross substitutes [ e.g: telegraph poles, ex-railway sleepers or 2 be 4 MDF Llewellyn-Bowen-Planks ] should be avoided. Use only enviro-certified crosses from sustainable sources. Consider upgrading to a rubber wrapped cross for added safety. [ A cheaper option would be to wrap your cross in new clingfilm prior to use. [ Marks and Spencer is a good source of high quality clingfilm ].
8. Take plenty of drinking water from a reliable source [ such as Marks and Spencer ] to ensure you remain fully hydrated throughout.
9. It is also better to prepare and bring self-prepared foods such as sandwiches lest you get peckish whilst on-the-cross. [ Marks and Spencer have a wide selection of freshly prepared sandwiches with a plethora of fillings to choose from - such as Tuna, Cheese and Celery and Three Bean Mexican Style Salad. Why not butter some hot-cross buns for a handy mid-crucifixion snack? ].
10. Ensure you pack a large quantity of emergency medical supplies such as sticking plaster, bandages, sterile lint, sutures, antibiotics, saline drips, blood-type matched blood, stretcher etc. [ Your health insurance provider may not offer cover for self-inflicted extremo-religious injuries - please check before embarking on any holiday penitential dendro-affixation. ]
Based on advice from the Philippine Government
The Barclays guide to winning new customers.
Advertise a market beating ISA account in newspapers, magazines, bus stops, inner thighs of lapdancing hamsters etc. ie: all over the place.
Offer a preferential application procedure to your existing customers; potential new customers can “Pop in to a branch to apply”.
When potential new customers “Pop in to a branch to apply” keep them waiting whilst you work out what to do with them.
When you have worked out what it is you need to do, take them upstairs to the waiting room surrounded by staff in badly fitting polyester uniforms staring at their computers and casting furtive glances at the potential new customer.
Call your potential new customer across to one of the badly fitting polyester drones and forget to introduce anyone, run away whilst awkward silence ensues.
As a badly fitting polyester drone your first task is stare at the potential new customer in a nervous way whilst mumbling something about leaflets.
Proceed to ask customer for personal details which are tapped, without explanation for their requirement, into the computer.
Pause from computer input to ask potential new customer for cheque to open new account.
React with confusion when potential new customer states that no mention had been made of requirement for cheque on any advertising material, hamster thigh or by reception drone (15 minutes ago).
Offer to “check with my manager” when potential new customer offers payment by cash, card or in kind.
Inform potential new customer that “the system will not allow us to accept anything other than cheques”.
Shrug shoulders repeatedly when potential new customer expresses, in the nicest possible way, incredulity at archaic and half baked procedures experienced thus far.
Advise potential new customer to come back tomorrow with chequebook having first made an appointment, “as we can get very busy”. Say this with complete sincerity whilst surrounded by 12 other drones all staring at their computers with no other customers ( potential or otherwise ) anywhere to be seen.
Apologise half heartedly to potential new customer as he leaves mumbling about being dissatisfied with lack of information.
Return to commune with computer, adjust polyester-clad crutch and relax.
…to be continued
Small white balls
Steve DeVore emails to tell me:
“I’m using my gmail account while I travel so I don’t have to reconfigure my POP email account, etc.
I’ve tested the Testiclees name and concept with some people and have got mixed reviews. Women don’t like it. Men think it will sell tons of golf clubs to the public links set. This is a huge market. We should do it under a pseudonym so it doesn’t hurt our credibility in other efforts.
If we’re going to do this, we need to first register the name with USPTO.gov (trademark). Could you do that.
Second, I can get an artist to create the Testiclees bulldog. Will probably cost around $1,500.
We need to talk with Clampett about the driver and putter. What would be ideal designs to accommodate the hitting down (driver) and straight left wrist (putter)? We should also look into some unqiue ball engineering to possibly come up with or locate for private label some souped up (USGA approved) balls.
Finally, we need to locate someone who could translate the Testiclees’ caricature head into a club cover ala’ the tiger–but a testosterone-stoked, eye-bulging bulldog.”
Steve, I suspect, may have a liking for gold jewellery and polyester leisure slacks.
The Apprentice is on again soon I see.
The digital thingy arrived last week. It’s black and solid. If Darth Vader ever needed an implant it would probably look like this. I know that digital radio has been out for ages and I’ve no right marveling at something which is now mainstream but I am allowed to be excited by new toys, especially when I can tune into the Asian Network at any given moment or Smooth Classics for Beige Buffers whilst waiting in the queue at Morrisons. I read up on DAB, as we in the know call it, before I decided to go for the actual thingy that I’ve ended up with. I was very tempted by Harriet’s suggestion of the more conventional thingy but in the end I’m a sucker for new technology; especially when it’s black and shiny. [ Don't mention Obama ]. Now the XDR-M1 looks good, no doubting that. Not as good as an ipod but pretty good. I was very concerned, following my research, that the reception would be poor. There is a lot of writing on the web which is very dismissive of personal DAB. The main issue seems to be the lack of an external antenna. Generally, with these radios, the headphone cable doubles up as the antenna and this obviously places limitations with regard to length. I’ve found that reception indoors is pretty hopeless. I did think at first that I might live in a DAB reception blackspot. However, having now tried out my XDR-M1 in a variety of indoor locations I’ve concluded that its DAB is pretty crap indoors. To many this would be a real problem; but not me. I’ve found a product that fits with my life very well. I can listen to very high quality radio when I am out and about – which is exactly what I wanted. It’s crisp and clear; occasionally breaks up when I go near large metal things or go through underpasses. [ No good for those dungeon moments then ]. When I am indoors I can still listen the old way via FM – the XDR-M1 has FM too so I get the best of both worlds. Interestingly, the power consumption on DAB is much higher then with FM so, even though the nation is being encouraged to switch to all things digital, nobody seems to be making any noise about the carbon footprint of all this anti-analogueism. Not to mention all the extra sales and landfill for the energiser bunny.
Not content with dominating the global web search market, the global image search market, the global news, shopping and webmail markets; not to mention the global caving-in to totalitarianism market. Google now want to get hold of your health record. “Don’t be evil” is the corporate code but, seriously, who in their right mind is going to upload their medical records to a Google database? Probably quite a lot of people, would be my guess. The full-disclosure generation seems unable or unwilling to maintain a dignified separation of the public and private. Who cares if your embarrassing medical condition gets splashed all over cyberspace? Immodium anyone?