We’ll have no reviews of belly button fluff here. Forget the flaming haggises and inflatable Kylie Minogues, I’m in a serious frame of mind. Fueled by excessive bargain champagne and a surfeit of Hetty Wainthropp reruns, I’ve decided to get a few things of my chest:
1. New year is not a cause for celebration; don’t you realise that we’re all just nearer to our deaths?
2. While you’re busy guzzling unidentifiable snacks and suspect wine there is an army of lowly paid retail operatives worldwide stealthily replacing price labels and re-programming bar code scanners so that you will pay more for everything from tomorrow. You will be so hung over you’ll barely notice.
3. Scottish people only get excited about new year because it gets dark at 2pm, Hamish McFlaggon is on every channel doing sword dances in a frilly shirt and even the Proclaimers are involved in sex scandals these days. Whodathowtit?
4. Jools Holland’s design life has been exceeded. The government must arrange for him to be quietly towed out into deep water, sometime in early March and scuttled, along with his boogy woogy abdominal control garment and incontinence pad winnebago unit.
5. Fireworks are not a good idea in a country obsessed with cats and dogs. Have you ever wondered why most of our pets have personality disturbances and are given to biting the heads of holy innocents? It’s because, as far as they are concerned, world war three breaks out at least twice a year with aftershocks and beforeshocks whenever a passing chav decides to let off a banger during a testosterone blip. Protect pussy and fido – ban all explosives.
It’s time this year was done and dusted. Some of us have got jobs to go to in the morning. Can you keep the noise down there please.