Archive for December, 2007

Last minute

Monday, December 31st, 2007

We’ll have no reviews of belly button fluff here. Forget the flaming haggises and inflatable Kylie Minogues, I’m in a serious frame of mind. Fueled by excessive bargain champagne and a surfeit of Hetty Wainthropp reruns, I’ve decided to get a few things of my chest:
1. New year is not a cause for celebration; don’t you realise that we’re all just nearer to our deaths?
2. While you’re busy guzzling unidentifiable snacks and suspect wine there is an army of lowly paid retail operatives worldwide stealthily replacing price labels and re-programming bar code scanners so that you will pay more for everything from tomorrow. You will be so hung over you’ll barely notice.
3. Scottish people only get excited about new year because it gets dark at 2pm, Hamish McFlaggon is on every channel doing sword dances in a frilly shirt and even the Proclaimers are involved in sex scandals these days. Whodathowtit?
4. Jools Holland’s design life has been exceeded. The government must arrange for him to be quietly towed out into deep water, sometime in early March and scuttled, along with his boogy woogy abdominal control garment and incontinence pad winnebago unit.
5. Fireworks are not a good idea in a country obsessed with cats and dogs. Have you ever wondered why most of our pets have personality disturbances and are given to biting the heads of holy innocents? It’s because, as far as they are concerned, world war three breaks out at least twice a year with aftershocks and beforeshocks whenever a passing chav decides to let off a banger during a testosterone blip. Protect pussy and fido – ban all explosives.

It’s time this year was done and dusted. Some of us have got jobs to go to in the morning. Can you keep the noise down there please.

It's Christmas

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

Wishing you, dear reader, the happiest, peacefulest, naughtiest, sexiest, foodiest, drinkiest and unmistakably juiciest Christmas you could possibly have. Thankyou for coming and please come back again soon.

day 25
Mr Kipling 2005. Nativity play. Capitalist Christmas in 30 seconds. If Jesus chooses to reappear in the west I wonder if He’ll get His own YouTube channel?

Monday, December 24th, 2007
day 24
Oxfam 2006. Refreshingly quirky and irreverent charity campaign. Funky, good hearted and with a great song; what more could you want? Gorgeous.

Sunday, December 23rd, 2007
day 23
Milk Tray 1980s. “And all because the lady loves Milk Tray”. Last gasp faux Bond with Jaws reference. By now the format was tired and the Lady was moving on to binge drinking.

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
day 22
Cream Cakes 1980s. Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough enact their bosomy pals Cissy and Ada in unashamed indulgence. The gateau/chateau joke makes its first, pre-Allo Allo appearance.

Friday, December 21st, 2007
day 21
BT Talking. 2004. Hawking’s gravitas and disembodied voice lend a profundity to this telecoms ad. Quite moving. “Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking.”

Thursday, December 20th, 2007
day 20
BT Ology. 1980s. Maureen Lipman’s fantastic Jewish granny, Beattie, in perhaps her finest hour. “You get an ology, you’re a scientist!”

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
day 19
BA clouds 2007. Post Saatchi, BA steers an improbable line between romance, escapism, frugality and ecology – “you shouldn’t expect to pay the earth”.

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
day 18
Silverjet 2007. Hugh Hudson directs. Joanna Lumley voices. Yani arias. Saatchi’s invoice. Cast shrinking imitation in the tradition of BA. Lush but ultimately tacky.

Read all about it.

Monday, December 17th, 2007

day 17
BA 1989. Hugh Hudson directs. Tom Conti voices. Yani arias. Saatchi’s invoice. Jaw dropping epic in the tradition of De Mille. Still imitated, never bettered.