Archive for November, 2007

Friday, November 30th, 2007

Bear faced
In case you’re in the mood to splash out on a special gift for your favourite teacher with the end of term approaching, why not consider the God Bless Teachers Holy Bear®?. The I Love Jesus HolyLamb® might be just the job for that cuddly Vicar or Nun you’ve been longing to honour in a right wing, family values kinda way. Rabbis are bound to love the Star of David Holy Bear® which comes in a tasteful silver and blue combo. Sadly, bears of other world faiths are currently unavailable.

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

When safe words are not enough
“Boy George has been sent for trial charged with falsely imprisoning a male escort by chaining him to a wall.” Link.

Making a single, late, credit card payment could soon cause a cascade of financial fook ups.

Mind your language
Further evidence of my incipient crustiness was gathered this week. I’ve twice had occasion to be a little taken aback by what now appears to be acceptable language during daytime TV programming.

Exhibit A was this week’s Blue Peter. Beloved of generations of childer. The latest crop of presenters is intolerably chummy and permagrinning. This week they were reviewing the new Science Museum book called “Why is snot green?”. Charmed, I wasn’t. The Science Museum seem to have a mucosal fixation. The ‘S’ word in itself I found mildly shocking being used on a children’s TV show. Yes, we all use the word, yes, children love to talk dirty when it comes to bodily excretions. Somehow, I would never imagine Blue Peter legitimising use of this word on TV. Even worse they featured an item about “farting in space suits”. Val will be revolving on her sticky back plastic covered commode and it’s official, I’m getting old.

Exhibit B was the use of the term “casual shag” when discussing the rise in STDs amongst young people in an item featured on BBC TV daytime news. Do they not know that pensioners, dogs, truanting children and procrastinating bloggers might be watching. Whatever next? Cash in the Attic: Naked”? Urban Dictionary Corner on Countdown? Loose Women ‘made over’ into “Cracked up hos bitchin n belchin”?

Monday, November 19th, 2007

..someone describes you as a “regular guy” do you:
a. Take pride in your precision timed bowel movements?
b. Vow to lose that Tony Blair haircut?
c. Worry that you have become American without realising?
d. Ascribe the descriptee to the category of vocabulary:challenged? or
e. Vomit?

Is now within reach on all those crappy call centred circles of capitalist consumer colon clamping c****. [Insert suitable expletive]
Do the Citizens Advice survey. Tell them what you think of their rotten ramblings and push-button purgatory.

Monday, November 12th, 2007

iPhone – uPhone?
Some thoughts – days after others have posted theirs; better late than never I say.
The phone is stylish but also incorporates a well engineered package of technologies never before seen in one unit. It has proven appeal. As with most of the Apple products, though, expect: a. Reductions in price within the year, once all the iDisciples have worshipped at the altar of Steve and acquired their version 1 phones. b. Substantial improvements in specification for lower purchase cost. c. Technical faults prompting ‘told you so’ headlines / product recalls / debates in Parliament etc etc. d. A whingefest from the Chosen Ones when a & b happen. e. Availability on other networks. Sometime around 2009 I’ll be logging onto ebay to buy mine for about ten quid to use with pay as you go. At that time the new models will be small enough to clip onto a convenient nipple, thinner than Victoria Beckham’s Open University course note folder, available in several fashionable colours and preloaded with the entire back catalogue of every movie, piece of music and edition of Countdown known to podkind.
Mark my words.

Old (Etonian) Lags
Jobs for the old boys.
David Cameron – Tory Leader, hander out of Tory jobs, old Etonian.
Jonathan Aitken – ex Tory cabinet minister, convicted criminal, recipient of new Tory job, old Etonian.
Jeffrey Archer – ex Deputy Chairman of the Tory Party, convicted criminal, expelled from Tory Party, non old Etonian.

Remember.War is failure.Wage peace.

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

I grew up with the ever-present fear that there would be a nuclear war that would annihilate humanity. My adult life has been spent against a background of terrorism and international conflict. As a child I longed for an end to war and fear and believed that it would happen in my lifetime; ‘surely people would see sense?’ Over the years I’ve heard this sentiment many times from young and old. Yet, it seems, we are still very far from abolishing war. There are huge vested interests in perpetuating the ‘war machine’ and, I believe the desire to destroy those that are designated an ‘enemy’ arises from our deep seated animal instincts writ large in the societal structures we’ve created and support with our labour. I’ve been fortunate, so far, never to have been pulled into a war. We are told at this time every year that we live in freedom. Yet I live in a country gripped by paroxysms of fear, hatred and loathing of those perceived as threats. My views are derided as unrealistic, appeasing and even cowardly yet I go on believing that with all our intelligence, skill and humanity we really could find a better way to manage our affairs. Why is it wrong to seek to move beyond a point where the ‘answer’ to a problem is to unleash violence? How do we get to a position where the people we give power to are the sort of people who will invent a new way to conduct our affairs which doesn’t include violence?

Are we really free?
Is war more attractive than peace?

Monday, November 5th, 2007

Methodical madness
When somebody goes to the trouble of spending an hour showing you “this great new method” that they have for doing something, you can be pretty sure that they are trying to sell it to you. The underlying message is, “why don’t you do it this way too and, while you’re about it, give us your hard earned time and money so that we can justify our existence”. The trouble is, the great new method is pretty crap and takes twice as long as the old method and has a worrying tendency to go wrong. There are unintended knock-on consequences too. How do you tell your friend that you don’t want to use the great new method?

Chilly Willy
Round these parts. Et vous?

Slippery brummy has-beens
It’s dangerous being famous.

Sunday, November 4th, 2007