Archive for October, 2007


Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

a. Trick?
b. Treat?
c. Taser?

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Hot from Iceland
There are some benefits from staying up until all hours and falling asleep with the telly on. Being woken up by intoxicating Icelandic music on the Culture Show for one. Sigur rós [ Pronunciation note: si-ur rose (the i is like the i in “hit”. “rose” is said very quickly) ]. I’ve been completely out of the loop on this one, I know, because they are already world famous and a major success in the US but it’s never too late for us provincial snails. Best known, perhaps, in the UK for use of Hoppípolla on a BBC TV trail. [ 40 second clip. WMA 850kb ] Evoking the beautiful Icelandic landscape with lyrical soundscapes, ethereal spine tingling vocals and assured orchestration – you have to listen.
Sigur rós will be playing a live acoustic session as part of the BBC Electric Proms this Thursday ahead of the release of their new film, Heima.
Colin Murray’s show next Monday will have highlights of the performance.

TV moment of the week
Featured in HIGNFY, this <a href="
“>clip shows fearsome Jeremy Paxman interviewing the Chairman of the BBC Trust about the recently announced downsizing of Aunty. After Michael Lyons claims that this would lead to an increase in distinctive programming, Paxo counters with the following:
“Let me give you a list of distinctive programmes:
Help me Anthea I’m infested.
My man boobs and me.
My dog is as fat as me.
Are these the programmes the BBC should be making?”

Even the Chairman is trying hard not to laugh.
I, meanwhile, was on the floor.

Return of the teeth
Go on, admit it, you’ve missed him haven’t you?
Grey Gordon is so – grey isn’t he? [ When is he going to stop wearing that bleedin blue tie? ] Well, Tone is back – you can keep up to date with all his latest doings on his very own webshite.

Boy racer

Sunday, October 21st, 2007

Poor Lewis
Whodathowtit? A dodgy gearbox and you’re out of contention from a race in which any one of three drivers could win the World Championship in the very final race. Massive TV audiences and boosted adverstising revenue for the sponsors assured. It’s almost as though someone was scripting the whole thing.

Rich Lewis
He’s sold his life story so far for millions. He’s advertising all sorts of stuff for millions. He’s getting loads of freebies. He’s being paid megabucks for driving very fast. He gets free uniforms and chilled water. Loads of vacuous bimbos hang around trying to get into his pants. Did I mention he was rich?

5 obscure Lewis facts
He appeared on Blue Peter, aged 7, racing a radio controlled car.
His middle name is Carl. His parents named him after legendary athlete, Carl Lewis.
He’s the first black driver to compete in Formula One and to win a major race at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in any discipline.
He’s the youngest driver to lead the F1 World Championship.
He’s a karate black belt.

When Saturday comes

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

Julian Clary in heterosexual scandal
“… people shouted “Straight!” at me in the street and Paris Hilton tied me to a bed and demanded a night of hot, hard satisfaction, or she’d make me listen to her album. Link

Unfortunately titled BBC Gaelic community debate TV series no 1

Delightfully quirky, arty website telling the history of Citroën cars from the early days, 1919 through the glories of the fifties, sixties and seventies to the rather lacklustre mondoboxes of today.
This and the stunning new showroom in Paris – C42, I hope marks a new era in innovative design.

The perfect female news item?
Yes, one might only need to add baking or dressmaking to this winsome tale of kittens and washing machines for this to be the ideal news story for the ladies.
[ Awaits major feminist backlash ]

Bust boob
John – really interesting – Major, our former leader, has been fossilised for all eternity within the precincts of our parliament. His bust was unveiled on Wednesday. I was inspired, in the spirit of free market enterprise, to see if I could achieve a similar effect and make loads of cash by flogging off memorabilia of political has-beens. [Call me an ex prime minister] I carried out a full market analysis and determined that with the right price point I could achieve market penetration. However, after Doreen down the road revealed that she’d only ever have Mrs T on her mantelpiece I’ve decided to give it away free. All you have to do is right click, download, take it to the nearest bronze or UPVC foundry and, before you know it, JM will be standing guard in your leisure lounge, oh yes.

The bronze thing The grey thing The fake thing

I must post more = Promise to smut

What have we seen this week?

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

The Leonardo Cartoon. Again. One of my favourite works in the world.
A squirrel standing motionless on a nearby roof for nearly fifteen minutes with a rather threatening looking crow perched ten feet away.
A ten pound tip pressed into my palm by a client. This is the first tip I’ve received in my life. I refused it graciously.
George Galloway gasbagging in Trafalgar Square.
A suit with built in ipod circuitry. What is M&S coming to? What next, underpants with pot noodle pouches?
Some beautiful leaf carpets with golden sunlight playing on them.
A new perspective on the Dale Chihuly chandelier at the V&A; courtesy of Tristan.
The final stages of The Restaurant. Raymond Blanc is such a nice man.
Amazing sand sculptures on a Thames beach.

Northenders – Episode 4
Another episode in an occasional series of chance encounters with Northern Celebrities:
A second encounter, after an interval of nearly 4 years with Mr Paul Morley, child of Stockport, member of 80’s beat combo Art of Noise and all round media Kooldude. Paul was purchasing a ready to eat Vegetarian Moussaka, two portions of pre-prepared pineapple, a packet of beetroot and something he was trying to hide from me at the Euston branch of M&S Simply Food.

This latest sighting was not too very far from the location of the previous one, leading me to the stalker like conclusion that Paul must reside in this part of London. I beg to reassure him, for I know he religiously reads this blog, that I am not stalking him but merely exercising my natural rubberneck tendencies in the presence of Them That Are Off The Telly. And, if you must go out in public, please consider again my earlier advice vis-à-vis your personal visage. The DIY haircut is so not the look for a man of your stature and none of us are getting any younger. Think, ‘Bowie’ and not ‘Compo’ and you won’t go far wrong.
Previous episodes here, here and here

Friday, October 5th, 2007

Natasha is one of the most talented broadcasters on British television.”

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

An open letter to Manju, Employee of the Month, IncompetentCardCo.Com

Dear Manju
Thanks for your call earlier about the Security Matter Relating to My Account.
I hope you will not mind my mentioning that it was difficult to hear you, the line was very feint; hard to believe that you were only down the road in Smallnjuicyville as it sounded as though we had a satellite delay. Please pass on my regards to your colleague, Ranjana who called earlier on about the Security Matter Relating to My Account. As I explained to her, the transaction from is legitimate so there is really no need to worry that I am about to be ripped off by an international internet scam, especially as the transaction was for 59p. You may note from my file that I did explain this to Lakesh when he phoned me on Monday about the Security Matter Relating to My Account also. Lakesh had not been briefed by Narjit who I spoke to on Sunday about the Security Matter Relating to My Account after I called back in response to the voicemail left by Subinder on Saturday night at 11.32pm. I did explain to Narjit that I had previously discussed this very same Security Matter Relating to My Account with your colleague, Manjit on Friday following a previous voicemail from Hardeep, left earlier that day. It really is most helpful that you are monitoring my account at all times and I am grateful for the reassurance of knowing this many times over from such a proactive team. Finally, could I suggest that one of you; it doesn’t really matter who, although Subinder did sound rather sexy, one of you, records the fact that the Security Matter Relating to My Account has now been resolved in totality. The 59p transaction does not need to be reported to Interpol and we can all get on with our respective destinies. Mine, ramping up my IncompoPoints by spending like there is no tomorrow. You by devoting your eagle like attention to my financial integrity on a 24/7 basis. I really am most grateful.



Monday, October 1st, 2007

Things you notice when you cycle instead of drive
Small potholes.
Lurking fallen conkers.
How cars speed up as the cycle crossing lights turn to amber.
Despairing faces stuck in traffic jams as you freewheel past.
Squirrels in roadside trees.
Puddles which, momentarily, in a wrong steer, will be sprayed by your rear wheel up your rear end.
The same people, waiting at the same bus stops, at the same time everyday.
How hills become less steep the more you cycle up them.
Your annoyance at motorists who come too close.
The lack of aggression as you pedal manfully on.
The location of convenient drying facilities for wet nylon.
The sense of physical achievement in arriving at your destination alive.

Things you notice when you drive instead of cycle
How much money you spend on your mobile metal box.
How long it takes to get everywhere.
The temptation to speed up when approaching an amber light.
Your annoyance at cyclists who get in the way.
The free floating aggression that hangs like a rancid trail over the highway.
The time you spend queuing at junctions, queuing at crossings and queuing to join queues.
The joy of not getting wet when the heavens open.