Archive for July, 2007

Friday, July 27th, 2007

The Palace of Peace and Reconciliation, Kazakhstan

..comments are partially buggered presently – it’s a worldwide phenomenon – sorry n all.

‹‹7/20 so far – clickytypie…

Thursday, July 26th, 2007

Surprisingly good. New Order’s last album from 2005 – preview tracks via link. Loads of lovely Manchester spangly guitar grooves and feelgood vocals. Great for doing the housework to. Now with added poignancy given Peter Hook’s departure and Tony Wilson’s illness. I new ordered mine for £2.50 on Amazon.

A national institution is missing.
Time for an APB to all nest boxes and bird flu hospitals.

Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

Where art thou domeo?
Domes are an archetypal architectural form. Ancient builders strove to master the art of building them; such was the power of the dome to evoke notions of the cosmos, creation, the place of man in the universe and giant boobies too. Thus, dear reader, I bring you a chance to test your knowledge of domes ancient and modern, far, wide and narrow. See how many famous domes you can identify in the latest, the biggest and the best Bignjuicy quiz ever.

Revenge of the rose bush II:Drug addled n bruised

Monday, July 23rd, 2007

Well, whodathowtit? A few pesky insect bites and 10 days later I am in hospital having intravenous chemicals pumped in at four hourly intervals, unavoidably eavesdropping on my wardmate’s tragic lifestory and being kept awake all bloody night long by the machine that goes ‘beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep’ at thirty second intervals. There’s nowt like being ‘awakened’ [ not that I was asleep anyway ] at 5.45am by Liverpool Lizzie armed with a 2 for 1 mammoth syringe jumbo pack ready for your in-arm nozzle to make you understand why people try to avoid going to hospital. Once inside the place you are subsumed into a universe where not taking drugs is considered abnormal. [ Nurse Mogadon comes round every 30 mins: ‘Would you like some painkillers drD?’ ‘No thanks I’m fine.’ ‘Oh, I see!’ as she flounces off in a huff of rejection ] It is like being in a big experimental lab where every ‘input’ is controlled and all your outputs are monitored to the smallest degree. ‘How much urine did you pass this morning drD?, ‘Aha’ scribble scribble ‘and what colour was it on this chart?’, ‘Ah yes’ eyes brighten, licks tip of pencil. Every now and again a trainee medic from the local plumbing college conversion course approaches your bed nervously. ‘Morning drD, I’m Dr Mumblemumble from The Team. How are you today?’ After giving a comprehensive report to Dr M he then repeats the whole thing back adding a few scientific sounding words in, scribbles on the rat log and buggers off never to be seen again. I managed to escape for a few hours after persuading Nurse Nigeria that I had to be unplugged from the Penicillin Pipeline to go home and breastfeed CuteCat. She smiled the smile of the non comprehending and screwed the yellow cap onto my oozing nozzle as I ran for the carpark. It was only outside that I suddenly realised that I was feeling better already. Just being in the hospital makes you feel ill. Surely this can’t be right.

Handy Hospital Hints
Your mother was right, always wear clean pants. More importantly always wear pants. Going commando might have seemed a good idea this morning but imagine ending up in A&E giving a groin show from behind a flimsy nylon curtain. Going commando in casualty is not such a good look.
Nurses seem to have a thing for patients who work in caring professions. Affect a nurture heavy CV, Hamster Psychotherapist, Kitten rejuvenation specialist or somesuch.
The best way to get attention is propel yourself by any means at your disposal in the direction of the nurses station. It’s amazing how that urgent computer input session is abandoned when a crazed man is approaching at high speed atop a wheeled commode.
Get out of the hospital as frequently and as often as your condition and Nurse Nigeria will allow. If possible don’t ever go back – you’ll feel better for it.
Try not to think about the long term effects of all those drugs on your delicate biochemical equilibrium. Think instead about how you’d probably be dead by now without them.

What I never knew but I now know
80% of a penicillin dose is cleared within three to four hours of administration. [I’ve only got 238 pills still to go]

Revenge of the rose bush

Monday, July 16th, 2007

Every year, for about a week, my garden and the whole neighbourhood is awash with the most glorious scent of hundreds of white roses which all come into bloom at the same time. An old rose bush which has grown relatively massive over the years is literally dripping with flowers. It is a sensory sensation which I, and the local bees, fully appreciate. This year I was faced with a dilemma. You see the rose bush has become so massive that it has taken over nearly 15% of my modest estate. It is the kind of rose bush that flowers in the second year on wood that it has made the previous year. So this year’s flowers are on last year’s growth. I wished to reduce the rose bush in volume to make room for my landscaping aspirations a’la Chelsea. I wished also to retain the olfactory extravaganza previously described. Sadly, I concluded that the former requirement must, this year, take priority over the later. That is why, following this year’s best ever flowering, the rose bush is now a stump with two tiny green shoots sticking out of it hopefully, pointing skywards. It’ll be back. I’m going to train it more assertively this time, no more rampant rambling allowed. Steel wires will be installed, ties will be tied, secateurs will be wielded. We’ll see. Next year’s perfumefest, I fear, may be cancelled whilst growth occurs. This years itchfest is, however, in full flood. You see, what I didn’t factor on was that the rose bush had some friends. Lots of them. Lots of little, flying bloodsucking friends possessed of salivary juices so noxious that nine days later my forearms have swollen to Popeye proportions. My belly button is reduced to a fraction of its former capacity and is surrounded by unspeakable angry inflamed horribleness. I’ll spare you the other locations but lets just say those little bastards got to places that very few have ever got to. I’m taking extra strong drugs, I’m trying to find ways of getting my whole head into the freezer to reduce the swelling, I’m slathering on calamine lotion, I’m beginning to appreciate that nature, is indeed wonderful in her defences of apparently helpless plants.

Friday, July 13th, 2007
The BBC would like to apologise to Her Majesty The Queen for its recent serious errors in reporting the details of a photographic shoot to commemorate Her 98th birthday. We now realise that several serious errors of detail were broadcast to the three journalists that bothered to turn up to the screening of the documentary.

We would hereby like to correct these errors. In particular there is absolutely no truth in the following allegations which have been widely reported:

Her Majesty bitch slapped Ms Nikonova, photographer to the stars. NOT TRUE
Her Majesty nutted Ms Nikonova’s assistant, Leslie Flashbulb. NOT TRUE
Ms Nikonova called Her Majesty “a fossilised imperialist trout”. A BIG LIE
Sir Alan Fitztightly, equerry to Her Majesty, was instructed by Her Majesty to ‘key the doors of Ms Nikonova’s jag’. ABSOLUTE PIFFLE
The Princess Royal telephoned Ms Nikonova to call her “a jumped up yankee snapper wazzock”. PURE FANTASY
Ms Nikonova has been banned from the United Kingdom and her children have been impounded at Heathrow. DAMNED LIES
Her Majesty drank heavily throughout the sitting and called for rollup afterwards. TOTAL BOLLOCKS

The BBC now realises that Her Majesty is, in fact, the most generous, warm and caring human being ever to have lived and unreservedly apologises. Ritual suicides of key BBC executives will follow shortly in an inadequate but necessary gesture of atonement.
Gawd bless you maaarm we are all unworthy to live.

Cats and blogs

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
Cutecat update
Cutecat has had a busy spring stalking the many blackbirds nesting in the locale. There were two nests in my garden which I managed to prevent him from raiding and one in my loft which, even for someone of his catlike agility, was out of reach. Chicks having flown, he now contents himself by luxuriating behind acanthi, nuzzling at every opportunity and sheltering from the rain in a nearby shed. It’s a cat’s life. Here he is looking impossibly handsome beside his favourite acanthus.

They put the fee into McAfee
McAfee SecurityCenter has been turned into a stealth revenue generator.
I originally installed the McAfee firewall a while back. Then it got ‘autoupgraded’ and became a ‘SecurityCenter’ [ note the sensitive UK localisation of spelling ]. Now I keep getting little nagging messages trying to frighten me into buying their antivirus product. I don’t want the antivirus product. I don’t want the annoying nagging messages. I try to contact McAfee technical support as I can’t find a way to turn off the annoying nagging messages. I am made to ‘Consult our Knowledgebase’ and given 600 ‘solutions’, none of which turn off the annoying nagging messages.
I am made to ‘Download Virtual Technician’ which ‘scans my system and sends them to McAfee for reference’ ‘Found no problems’. Finally I am given the option to ‘Live Chat’. Yogi assists me by asking again most of the questions that Virtual Technician asked me. Yogi tells me to click on the ‘ignore’ link to get rid of the annoying nagging messages. There is no ‘ignore’ link only a ‘fix’ link. I click on the ‘fix’ link and a big red flash appears.

I send Yogi a screenshot. He tells me that it is not possible to get rid of the annoying nagging messages.
Yogi: drD, your system is protected by Firewall, as the main security feature is to get protection from infections like Virus, Spywares, Trojan, etc provided by McAfee VirusScan and is not installed so you get the message that your system is not protected.
drD: I gathered that. However I would like to stop the nag messages which keep popping up from my system tray. Is this possible please?
Yogi: Is it not possible, however you can hide the icon.
Yogi: It is not possible, however you can hide the icon.
drD: Will hiding the icon stop the messages?
Yogi: It may not stop.
Yogi: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused in this regard.

Somehow I doubt his sincerity and suspect Yogi may be a robot with a budget linguistics chip. I tell Yogi, in a virtual way, that McAfee will be receiving no more fees from me.


Saturday, July 7th, 2007

Because you’re worth it: no1
If, like me, you cannot get on a train without purchasing an expensive indulgent snackette to accompany your journey then you need these vouchers. Better still, apply for a Bite Card and get 20% off all your lattes for life. OK, it’s all overpriced in the first place but a man needs his indulgences. Cinnamon Danish is a particular fave right now.

Because you’re worth it: no2
But only if you’re white.

The architects who made London: Inigo Jones and Sir Christopher Wren. Nice podcasts from nice Mr Hutchinson explaining the rich tapestry of our capital’s architecture.

The irack
American foreign policy as a consumer durable. Very funny.

Brain cell
Apparently, being fit helps Mr Bush think more clearly. Things may be bad but can you imagine the devastation if he was a couch potato?

Saturday, July 7th, 2007

All the sevens.

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

Recent thoughts:

If eight NHS doctors are incapable of successfully carrying out a terrorist suicide attack which basically involves blowing stuff up, what does this say about the general capabilities of doctors?

From a supposedly thinking, caring profession, What f****d up intellectual contortions are needed to contemplate mass murder / suicide of this nature?

How must the health professionals, obliged to look after a certain burnt doctor, be feeling about their tasks? I wonder if they are a just little rough with the bedbaths and light with the pain relief?

Have any other public services been infiltrated? Will there be exploding registers in schools or poisonous social security cheques anytime soon?

Why does Gordon Brown look so miserable at the moment?

Why weren’t we at ‘supercritical poo your panties’ security level before the attacks? The words stable, door, horses and bolted come to mind.

Isn’t there a sick irony that massive amounts of money have been poured into the NHS, which employed the terrordoctors, and massive amounts of money have also been poured into the Iraq war which appears to have motivated them?

Why is the government going to provide financial assistance for those who did not have house insurance during the recent floods? Does this mean I can stop paying for my own insurance and rely on government aid in the event of disaster?

Is the Royal Family really worth the 62p it costs me annually? Would I not be better off giving the money to Jimmy the tramp?

Only 7 more days before I never have to speak to Mrs Minger ever again. How long before I find a new hate figure?

Is there a gene therapy available to stop me being a grumpy old sod?