Bignjuicy

There you are, schlepping along, just minding your own business, when you find yourself walking behind some pinstriped largedude waffling into his mobile phone. ‘Yadda yadda yadda.’ Thinks: hmm that voice sounds strangely familiar. ‘Yadda yadda yadda the Prime Minister yadda’. Thinks: I recognise those ears. ‘Yadda yadda leadership issues’. Thinks: Well bugger me with a rolled up copy of London Lite – if it isn’t former Her Majesty’s Secretary of State for the Home Department, Charles [ unfit for purpose ] Clarke MP – live from Norwich.
The following thoughts have since entered the brain of drD:
1. Aren’t former Her Majesty’s Secretaries of State for the Home Department meant to travel everywhere with a posse of fully armed Ross Kempalikes? – I distinctly recall a sense of heightened international panic security a short time ago. Surely such a high profile ex minister of state needs more protection from the lurking evil ones [ let alone eavesdropping bloggers ] than a copy of The Guardian and a dodgy briefcase?
2. Is this is plot to endanger the personal wellbeing of Mr Clarke? We should be told.
3. If the former Her Majesty’s Secretary of State for the Home Department is openly walking through London streets, openly discussing with all n sundry ‘Leadership Issues’ – what does this say about the state of Her Maj’s government? What next – Gordon goes on the record in the checkout queue at Sainsburys?
4. This is the second former Her Majesty’s Secretary of State for the Home Department that I have run into on a London street, the first being the oleaginous Leon Brittan hanging around outside Dixons in Victoria. Do they get let out for the day to go walkabout I wonder?
5. Could this little article he wrote recently be in any way at odds with what he was chatting about today?

Friday sees the start of Tacheback – a month long campaign to encourage chaps to grow sponsored moustaches in aid of the fight against male cancers. There are tips, galleries and an interactive personal tache advisor to give you expert help on which style will suit you and no sign of Ann Widdecombe. My own experience in this area is a mixed one. Regular readers will recall my stunted sidefurniture. I am not sure if I will be allowing the upper lip to sprout during September for fear of endless conversations about my personal visage plus it could all get a bit Village People and, much as I respect the genre that is 1970s novelty subversive disco, I can’t quite bring myself to emulate it’s greatest stars. Sir Cliffe looks quite good though doncha think?
Moustache addiction.

Crackin
“most people in the television industry think that Vicky Pollard, the teenage delinquent happy to swap her baby for a Westlife CD, is an accurate representation of the white working class in Britain”
Jimmy McGovern, [ writer of Cracker ], berates TV land for “total contempt for their audience”.

Vroom
Car insurance comparison sites analysed. Aside from the obvious, ‘Insurance is complicated’, it seems to boil down to, ’shop around and do everything you can to minimise the risk you present’. Interesting that confused.com is owned by Admiral.

“I sunbathed for two days solid then passed out in the bath.”
Sir Cliffe gets permatanned.
“My thighs were afire with agony.”
Gain for pain at JB’s.
“The man opposite said that I should wear a wig like his. I was amazed because I did not have clue that he was wearing one.”
We believe you Paul, not a lot.
“There is a perception that bloggers are sad, joyless people in their underwear who sit in front of their computers all day.”
Tosh. I never wear underwear when I am blogging – it’s full tuxedo and or ball gown for me every time.
Speaking of tosh…“We will supply moustaches and cravats for everyone on the day.”
Glaswegians break the world record for the most people dressed as Charles Rennie Mackintosh.
“I skulked around the undergrowth behind the closely-manicured lawn…”
It can only be a matter of time before he’s arrested for blogging with intent.
“It (Big Brother) has become an established summer event, a bit like Wimbledon. I see no reason why, if we protect it, it can’t keep coming back every summer forever.” Groan.

Conker crisis
Horse chestnuts may be in trouble. I’ve been noticing a lot of my local ones are not looking too good at the moment. Do you see conkers?

Bizarre fact of the week
Saddam Hussein holds the keys to the city of Detroit and is an honorary citizen.

Did you know that this is Gut Week?
No? Me neither, until yesterday when I happened upon an article about how dietary fibre causes damage to endothelial cells which line the gut. The mystery of how high fibre diets work has at last been revealed. And, Gillian McKeith, you were wrong. The cells, when damaged release mucus which helps to ease the passage of food through the gut thus keeping one ‘regular’. Too much information? Well, apparently we’re all far too embarrassed by bowelish things and, as a consequence, one third of the population regularly suffers from digestive illnesses. Bowel Cancer is the second biggest cancer killer in the UK and 50 people every day succumb to the disease. Given that we all have bowels and that disease of the bowel is one of the biggest health issues we face it does seem ludicrous that we’re so embarrassed to deal with it in a matter of fact way. I understand that other cultures are less squeamish when it comes to gastrointestinal goings on and, given our history of social repression and stiff upper everythings [ anal retentiveness anyone? ], it seems we are not doing ourselves any favours when it comes to digestive health. Eating fresh fruit and vegetables and taking a half hour walk every day seems to go a long way to helping your gut to stay healthy. Not putting up with certain symptoms is also a good practice. The fact that so many people are dying prematurely from preventable or treatable conditions in this country is not right. So do your bit; check out those, motions and encourage others to do the same. Poo may be taboo but you too can see it anew as a window to your wellbeing.

From: drD
To: wasps.loft@bignjuicy.co.uk
Subject: Your tenancy
Date: 23-08-06

Dear Wasps
This is my first written message but you might have heard me before today singing to myself or talking to the cat. I’m the one with the deep voice who’s trapped a few of you and chucked you out of my house downstairs. Yes, the one that lives underneath you. I’ve lived here for quite a long time actually – more than 17 times longer than you. In fact, I like to think I own the place; call me territorial – I’m sure you understand. Well, I noticed – or rather Mr Roofer noticed, a few weeks ago that you’d moved in up there. I don’t recall receiving your tenancy application but, having researched your culture, understand that this is not the way you do things. In fact, the way you do things is definitely not the way I do things – but, no matter, let’s agree to be different. I’m a great admirer of your outfits and your aerobatic skills but have yet to understand the need you seem to have to fly into dark holes. Anyway, to get to the point, as I’m sure you’d like to; I need you to move out in about 12 weeks. Mr Roofer agreed to wait until you moved out but he’s coming back in November and he’s a bit concerned that you might get to the point with him. He did suggest that I employ Mr Poisoner to assist you with your removal but, after checking out Mr Poisoner’s methods I decided that this would be a most unneighbourly [ not to mention unecological ] thing to do. There is enough death and destruction in the world without my adding to it. I hope you’ll consider that when you next consider getting to the point. Now, I think it fair to warn you that the weather is getting a bit colder and will continue to do so for the next few weeks. In 12 weeks time it is likely to be very cold indeed up there and, ( how can I put this delicately? ), you are likely to be frozen to death. So it really would be a good idea to relocate to somewhere warmer before then. I hear it’s very nice in France and if you left soon you could make it in time for the apple harvest. I hope you understand; it’s not that you’re not welcome, it’s just that I don’t want you here for much longer. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here in bignjuicyville. You picked a good spot when you arrived in the spring – gooder than you probably will ever know.
Kind regards
drD

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Let joy be unconfined
Juan Clackk writes from the EUROPEAN LOTTERY COMMISSION to tell me: “Your Email have won a PACIFICOLOTERIA PRIZE OF € 850,000 (Euro), a prize payout of your winning has been approved by the GROUPO LOTERIA PACIFICO INTERNACIONAL. In accordance with the EUROPEAN lottery ordinance, you are authorized as the lotto prize winner to request claims of your winning prize.”

Dearest Juan
Thankyou so much for your kind notification. Unfortunately I will be unable to provide you with my bank details so that you can transfer my ‘claim win’ to me. Likewise I am also presently unable to travel to your Madrid office – address: CALLE GRAN-VIA 32-N 1C MADRID ESPAÑA – as I can’t be arsed. However, if any Madrid based readers of this blog would care to pop along to the above address I am more than happy for you to hand over the €850k smackers to them – I am sure that they will send it on to me as the world is full of altruistic trustworthy people just like your good self. You will understand my amazement at being the recipient of such a prize based purely on a randomly selected email address with no indication that it is attached to a real person – that is remarkable generosity and speaks volumes for your integrity. I am truly grateful and look forward to receiving my prize asap. Meanwhile, I wonder if you would be so good as to clear up a tiny question that arose in my mind when I searched for the name of your organisation and found it listed under ‘Schemes, Scams, Frauds’ on this page here. I feel sure that there must be some mistake, given the impeccable credentials listed in your message to me, ie: your appointment of DR ALONSO REYES as my ‘paying agent’. It is probably a wise move on your part to base DR ALSONSO in the United States – what with this being a European lottery and such. I do hope you can clarify this small point and look forward to hearing from you further.
Yours with love and appreciation of my ‘payout of your winning’.
drD

PS: Could I suggest that in future messages that you sign your email with your own name and not, ‘Lorrina Heather’ as this creates the impression that you are an incompetent. It is also almost an anagram of, ‘Another Liar Here’ which will not do at all.

Over
Are you sorry it’s finished? I’m not. Move on. Must be time for another Pop Idol/ Sex Factor / Simon Cowell ate my granny season.

Frizzante
Recommended: A light, fruity, summery wine – available in pink for all you girlies or white for greater blokeability [ ok I'm pushing it but red fizz would be vile - believe me I've tried it ]. Available from a recovering retailer near you. Husky voice not included.

Way to coco
If you have to drown, then chocolate may be the only medium to do it in – mmm. Thankfully he was saved. No snickering at the back there. I’m milking this one eh?

Commentastic
Blog comments are strange aren’t they? They often help to develop the content of a post and give it a richer context. I have to say that I really do appreciate it when people write comments and especially so those that regularly comment – thankyewverymuch. Occasionally you get a ‘landmark comment’ from somebody who’s never done so before. Although Blogger provides a fine system of archiving for blog posts, there is still the sense that stuff disappears off the radar once it is about three days old – very few people read it again apart from the odd googler looking for pictures of bellies [ that one is very popular but I won't publish it again for fear of traumatising a regular reader] or ‘car041 v0rderm**ns b*m’ [anti google spelling there] – which still holds much fascination for the interweb community it seems. Comments seem even more deeply buried once the post to which they are linked falls of the front page. Every now and again I rummage through my old comments and find something that someone has commented on since the original posting. Today I found a landmark comment. One that was made by the person that the post was about. I think this is the first time it’s happened that a TV personage has commented. Back in August 04 I was micro-reviewing the, then, new Channel 4 series, That’ll teach em. I listed my two favourite characters in the show. Waddayaknow? – eight months after the post one of them came and left a comment – which I only found today. One small step for a blog, one giant leap for a comment management system. Makes a refreshing change from spamerooni loonies.