Archive for July, 2006

Court news

Saturday, July 29th, 2006

Queen seen cruising with old man Shock. Legal action may follow. “Perfectly natural”, says spokespersonage.

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

Sweating,
..painting, eating, drinking loads of fluids.
Sorry for the paucity of postings.
More soon.

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

Millets
..have less camping quotient than this little lot.
Guess the target demographic. [ check out the purchase price ]

Monday, July 24th, 2006

Note to self during long traffic jam
Never drink water from a bottle that you’ve left in the car for a week.
It tastes like the bottled essence of something that died.

Heat

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

Slacker than a non celebrity Non Celebrity Shag Island thong – thats been me this week on this blog. Sorry n all for the non posting of postings only it’s all been a bit hairy and sweaty here at bignjuicy central. [ I’ll spare you the sordid details ].

Talking of sordid, I’ve been reading up on Eric Gill following a revelatory write up, in the Guardian. I’ve mentioned Gill before a few times. What I hadn’t known before today is that he was, apparently, a bit of a paedo – which is pretty shocking. What I also didn’t know before today is that Gill was, apparently, also into a bit of incest – which is also pretty shocking. However, what is not just shocking, but slightly disturbing, is that Gill experimented with bestiality using the family dog. He [ Gill, not the dog ] was a convert to Roman Catholicism. He used to wear a cassocky thing and would expose himself to visitors young and old at every opportunity. Gill sans knickers was apparently a regular thang and even put his young niece off the idea of marriage. As I’ve said before, Gill was undoubtedly a genius, but it’ll be difficult not to think about these revelations when looking at his work. Every time I see the BBC logo I’ll be reminded of Fido and the other misfortunes who encountered this pervy old goat. It’s fair to say that Gill Sans will never seem quite the same ever again.

Too hot

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

..to work = pretend to work / lay down ’til the work feeling goes away.
..to eat = OK, I’ll try and force a little something down – maybe a little lager, just one of those small bottles or 5.
..to think = I’m the new manager of my local bank.
..to drive = I burnt my buttocks on the hot vinyl yesterday.
..to watch telly = Celebrity Shag Island / Big Brother / Richard & Judy get naked
..to finish my blogpos

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Suckage
A tad busy here at the ranch; what with all these spiders being born, dragonfly rustling and cutecat safari in the long grass. Bleedin mosquitoes eating my face too. I’d happily volunteer to reduce biodiversity if it meant an end to the bloodsucking bastardos. Thank goodness for Mr Dyson – he can suck like nobody’s business.

The list

Friday, July 14th, 2006

Not a lot to report round here at the moment.
1. Hole in roof.
2. Phantom fly tipper living close by.
3. Strange neighbour man with strange children comes up to me at 11pm in dark street to apologise for the fact that they are autistic.
4. Cutecat is dissing me – for catreasons – unfathomable to human logic.
5. There seems to be a glut of spiders in my locale – webs all over the shop.
6. My sapphire blue petunias are a small daily joy to behold.
7. I’m sick to the back teeth of the ‘Natwest three’ and their overprivileged media manipulation.
8. I need to buy some more T shirts.
9. Shop assistants that call me ‘mate’ need to be retrained – a letter is in the post.
10. I discovered someone today that is a fan of Sarah Cox. I’d previously respected this person.
Much going on in your neck of the woods?

Thursday, July 13th, 2006

Holey
I’ve been talking to several Mr Roofers to get estimates to fix the leak up above. It’s very interesting how the same job performed by ostensibly established and reliable firms can vary in price by several hundred notes. How can this be? Either someone is seriously overcharging or someone is seriously undercutting and if they’re undercutting then I’m not sure my roof is the best place for it to be going on.

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

The demon duck of doom
… has been found hiding out in Queensland. Close by lies a killer kangaroo – with fangs. How long before, ‘Skippy the flesh eating fangaroo vs Duckzilla’ hits our screens?