Extra large celebration jobbies produced by the Royal Corgi Pack during their morning ablutions.
Ceremonial flypast by Monarch Airlines 0632 Heathrow departure for Magaluf.
Ceremonial flypast by Sovereign Holidays charter flight 0636 Heathrow departure for Benidorm.
Celebratory flatus from His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, KG, KT, PC, OM, GBE, AC, QSO, QVC, Argos.
Congratulatory telephone call to Her Maj from His Excellency Georgius Bushius II, Commander in Chief and President of the World. [Chinese Takeaway]. The Royal Voicemail will be deployed.
Special Birthday Breakfast en Tupperware sponsored by Kelloggs PLC, purveyors of cereal supplies to the Royal trolley.
Ceremonial flypast by Brendajet flight 0653 Heathrow departure for Torremolinos [Snacks and hot drinks extra].
Her Royal Highness The Princess Royal, LG, LT, GCVO, QSO, GCL, GNVQ[Pass] performs a state visit to the WC.
Ceremonial flypast by Helicopter flight GOLF ANDREW FREELOAD enroute for Gleneagles.
His Grace Sir Cliffe of Richardness [himself a nonagenarian] launches an early morning celebratory ceremonial singalongaokeathon in the grounds accompanied by 1200 schoolchildren from inner city academies who have camped overnight in readiness. Full coverage on BBC News 24 [ 16 hours ].
BBC Radio 4 broadcasts a special tribute from Baroness Bonkers of Dulwich. [She's 82 you know]
Her Majesty attends a commemorative screening of The Texas Chainswaw Massacre in the undercroft of St George’s Chapel.
Informal walkabout at Slough Shopping Mall.
Celebration complimentary take away tea style beverage sponsored by Slough Sarny Bar and Snacketeria.
Her Majesty meets with representatives of 39 faith groups at the Windsor and Eton Spirituality Centre for a celebratory love-in and mutually respectful exchange of life perspectives.
80 gun salute from the IRA in Windsor Great Park
Ceremonial flypast by Wilbur and Orville Wright, Amy Johnson, Neil Armstrong and RichardBranson in his new CowelforceXFactor SpacePlane.
His Grace Sir Cliffe of Richardness breaks off from the celebratory ceremonial singalongaokeathon to join The Royal Party to snort coke in the undergrowth.
Her Maj, His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, KG, KT, PC, OM, GBE, AC, QSO, QVC, Argos, Her Royal Highness The Princess Royal, LG, LT, GCVO, QSO, GCL, GNVQ[Pass], His Royal Highness The Duke of York, KCVO, ADC, His Royal Highness The Earl of Wessex, KCVO, His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland adjourn to a nearby KFC for a 6 pack bucket O’ nuggets.
Ceremonial flypast by 80 specially trained swans in dambuster formation.
Her Maj receives cordial birthday greetings from gathered wellwishers and hangerson at the gates of the castle whilst listening to some bangin tunes on The Royal Ipod [ ceremonial mix ].
Battle of Agincourt
The combined casts of Neighbours, Eastenders, Coronation Street, Wife Swap and Emmerdale present, “Happy 80th Birthday Ma’am – our lives depend on your bounteous munificence” – an affectionate and light hearted tribute featuring wartime melodies and a reenactment of the Battle of the Somme in the grounds of Windsor Castle. Introduced by Moira Stewart and Sir Terence of Wigan.
Ceremonial flypast by The Royal Yacht Britannia recreated as a virtual reality hologram.
The Royal Corgi Pack perform Cirque du Soleil in a surprise tribute arranged by His Royal Highness The Duke of York, KCVO, ADC who has secretly trained the corgis during his lunchbreak for the past five years.
Ceremonial marchpast by the National Sheep Herd, lead by Tony Blair and other members of Her Majesty’s government.
Tea – served by Mrs Doyle and the cast of Father Ted.
Ceremonial slimepast by Baron St John of Fawsley and Mr Paul Burrell.
Newcomen engine invented.
Ceremonial flypast by The Royal Aphids trained by Lord Alan Titchmarsh of Wyevale.
Battle of Culloden
A moving personal tribute from His Royalness, Prince Tamponis of Organiconia is broadcast on all channels for 3 hours. [Full extended coverage on The Horse Channel]
His Royalness, Prince Tamponis of The Highlands and Knight Commander of the Ford Escort hosts a lavish banquet at Spearmint Rhino in honour of his M’ma.
[Prince Harold von Sturmtrooper loyalty card]
Ceremonial drive by shooting in Tooting.
His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, KG, KT, PC, OM, GBE, AC, QSO, QVC, Argos proposes a toast to Her Maj. All gentlemen present retire to the pole dancing lounge. Her Maj, Princess Happiana and The Duchess of Foxhunt enage in ceremonial smalltalk.
A special one off performance by Peter Andre and Jordan O’Boobage as they reprise the Love Theme from their wedding, ‘A whole new Queen’ accompanied by Sir Alan Sugar on his organ.
The Royal Party board their ceremonial helicopter [sponsored by Inland Revenue] and depart for a private family dingdong about Diana and that Wallis Simpson woman.
2200 – 2007:
Endless tributes, special events and reruns of the above.