Archive for March, 2006
Which motorway sign design do you think is the most readable?
It’s been so long. Now is the time:
Our man in the middle east – front line Israeli election blogging.
Birdy’s gone all quiet – could be drunk in a hedge somewhere…
Sick as a parrot.
The call centre appears to be offline currently. Shame, just as it was getting interesting again.
Drub’s doing lots of art and design and sex – nowt new there then.
H’s in the house.
Game show geezer. I was wondering how long he could resist Noel’s probabilities.
La la la laundry. Looks like Spring is sprung out west.
Marky du jour.
Quietly, stealthily, Mr Mutant has produced a collection of some brilliantly atmospheric photos taken with quirky equipment. We like a bit of quirk round here.
It knows how to snow in Aberdeenshire.
Anudder quiet time but the pics are still worth a second look. Come back Sensiti.
Poetry before death.
Cola fuelled comatic thoughts and freaky gaydar profiles. I do worry for his wellbeing.
Sticky moments in the forest.
Solar panels and no knickers.
Princess von Twatski der Bloggie06.
Clockforwarditis hit home this morning as I was on the receiving end of a rear end shunt. [ Stopit at the back ]. The dozy twat who pranged me mumbled about ‘lost concentration’. He had the appearance of a further education lecturer who’d seen better days. There I was, waiting at the lights outside Netto and WHAMMO! right up the jacksie. I’m sure my nodding dog left a deposit on the parcel shelf through fear.
Now I have to decide whether to try claiming megabucks from his insurance company. Thrice Buggeration.
Here’s one I made earlier
1. Print out.
2. Stick to old cornflake packet with COPYDEX.
3. Laminate with sticky back plastic.
4. Pin to hoody and visit zoo for nothing.
5. Flog on ebay for one hundred and fifty quid.
6. Write blog article about scandalous corruption of British Institution.
Well if TB can do it…
“Nowadays, phoning this insurance company is like meeting a lovely woman at a party. ‘How can we help?’ the voice artist asks, adding with a husky chuckle, ‘For all claims, please press 4 now …”
Fascinating article on the do’s and dont’s of interactive voice response systems.
Norman Kember’s latest grumpy expression / shopping trip / eyebrow flex / bowel movement etc. [ He's back, move on ].
Squirrels with moustaches.
Des Lynam on Countdown.
Tony Blair’s speculative bogoff date crisis.
That whiny bloke with the silly glasses on the news.
Endless stories about stunted daffodils, rabbits in thermal underwear, underperforming thermal knickers etc.
Crap regional weather.
Crap regional weather forecasts.
Fiona Bruce’s moustache.
Crap X Factor spin off albums.
enuff already – I’m in another time zone now – time to go to bed
Following yesterday’s in-depth investigation into the euro-squirrel issue I was alarmed, when I espied from my bedroom window earlier, a member of this same species which appears to have taken up residence in the air vent of a nearby building. By perching on top of the vent, the rubber footed rodent can fully visualise the goings on [and otherwise] in my personal bedchamber. I am, understandably, concerned. What if this is not a true euro-squirrel but a CIA stealth-squirrel, targeted on me and my nocturnals? Fully equipped with laser night vision and nuclear powered – as no doubt it would be if manufactured in the US. Thus enabled for a considerably extended period to relay detailed multi-megapixel quality images back, via squirrelsat, to spook HQ somewhere in a hollowed out mountain west of here. ‘Paranoid’, you might think – but now we have a Tory MP in Bignjuicyville things have changed. Why did my phone ring inexplicably at 9.09am this morning only to stop ringing at 9.09am just 15 seconds later? Exactly.
Why have I never seen a baby squirrel? They always seem to be big bruisers, fully formed and ready to scamper up the nearest tree at the merest flicker of an eyelash. Where are all the offspring? Or do they hatch out, fully grown, from giant squirrel eggs ready to go forth and eat nuts? Would it be economically viable to mass produce squirrel burgers? I think not – unless you were going to farm the squirrels. Imagine what a squirrel farm would be like. They’d be bouncing about all over the shop. You’d have to make a giant lid to stop them bouncing off into the nearby industrial estate and rampaging through the Nearby Nut factory. [ Dry roasted being a particular favourite ]. How many squirrels could you fit in per square metre before it became inhumane? Are there laws and local authority regulations governing the incarceration, for burger production purposes, of squirrels: bush tailed and multiple numbers of ? Do squirrels suffer psychological trauma when prevented from leaping up trees willy nilly? – I suspect they do. I conclude that the squirrel burger will only ever be a small volume product – more of an occasional gourmet snack. Air gun accuracy permitting. No doubt, the squirrel opposite will be keeping a close eye on me. But, already I’m on to him – I have, as I type, installed Squirrelcam to monitor his [or her ] every twitch. Expect developments.
Monsieur, with these squirrels you are really spoiling our nuts
Did you know that the future of Ferrero Rocher is at grave risk?
A voracious hoarde of rampaging squirrels is massing perilously close to the south of Turin. The precious plantations of hazlenuts which form the basis of the chocolate Globe of the Gods are about to be munched into oblivion by the bushy tailed terrorists. Not content with duffing up virtually the entire population of British Red Squirrels, they are now about to decimate the bad taste dinner parties of the upwardly mobile. [Those transparent boxes they pack them in make really handy desk tidys too ].
1. Jamie Oliver Squirrel burger anyone?
2. Why not join the European Squirrel initiative? [ I want a T Shirt ]
3. Convince Mr Bush [geddit?] that they are a threat to national security. Stand back whilst he lasers their bushy behinds from outer space.
4. Bugger the hazlenuts and eat Mars bars.
|Will there be any tax cuts?
I could cut taxes but…
we don’t wanna give you that
DER DER DER DER
I’m spending it all on schools!
I have children. Is there any help for me?
I am a pensioner. What is in the Budget for me?
I have bought a new car. Will I be paying more tax?
What additional help will you be giving to schools?
My parents have a large home which I am set to inherit. What has happened to inheritance tax (IHT)?
My daughter is buying her first home, is there any help available?
I am a saver and investor, is there any help for me?
What about booze and fags?
I am an employee. Will I be paying more tax?
Is there anything else?
When sweaters attack
Don’t have nightmares, don’t look at this site after 10pm.
Beam me up 2 – on me ‘ead
Something large and steely nearly fell on somebody’s head at Wemberley.
Question: Would you let your 12 year old watch a documentary film that featured several uses of the f**k word plus other assorted swear words as well as some fruity n frank discussion of various sexual goings on?