Archive for March, 2006

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

Not too late to express your views on the Quick Question.
I’ll be following up on your answers dans le weekend.


Delores done good. 6 wee piggies produced.
Check out the Cornish Pigcam.
[ Nobody mention bacon ]

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

Quick question

Which motorway sign design do you think is the most readable?

Bogroll a go go

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

It’s been so long. Now is the time:
Our man in the middle east – front line Israeli election blogging.
Birdy’s gone all quiet – could be drunk in a hedge somewhere…
Sick as a parrot.
The call centre appears to be offline currently. Shame, just as it was getting interesting again.
Drub‘s doing lots of art and design and sex – nowt new there then.
H‘s in the house.
Game show geezer. I was wondering how long he could resist Noel’s probabilities.
Dead badger?
Blue philanthropy.
La la la laundry. Looks like Spring is sprung out west.
Marky du jour.
Quietly, stealthily, Mr Mutant has produced a collection of some brilliantly atmospheric photos taken with quirky equipment. We like a bit of quirk round here.
It knows how to snow in Aberdeenshire.
Anudder quiet time but the pics are still worth a second look. Come back Sensiti.
Poetry before death.
Cola fuelled comatic thoughts and freaky gaydar profiles. I do worry for his wellbeing.
Sticky moments in the forest.
Beautiful isolation.
Solar panels and no knickers.
Princess von Twatski der Bloggie06.

Dozy twat
Clockforwarditis hit home this morning as I was on the receiving end of a rear end shunt. [ Stopit at the back ]. The dozy twat who pranged me mumbled about ‘lost concentration’. He had the appearance of a further education lecturer who’d seen better days. There I was, waiting at the lights outside Netto and WHAMMO! right up the jacksie. I’m sure my nodding dog left a deposit on the parcel shelf through fear.
Now I have to decide whether to try claiming megabucks from his insurance company. Thrice Buggeration.

Monday, March 27th, 2006

Here’s one I made earlier

1. Print out.
2. Stick to old cornflake packet with COPYDEX.
3. Laminate with sticky back plastic.
4. Pin to hoody and visit zoo for nothing.
5. Flog on ebay for one hundred and fifty quid.
6. Write blog article about scandalous corruption of British Institution.
Well if TB can do it

Hearing voices
“Nowadays, phoning this insurance company is like meeting a lovely woman at a party. ‘How can we help?’ the voice artist asks, adding with a husky chuckle, ‘For all claims, please press 4 now …”
Fascinating article on the do’s and dont’s of interactive voice response systems.


Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Norman Kember’s latest grumpy expression / shopping trip / eyebrow flex / bowel movement etc. [ He’s back, move on ].
Sue Barker.
Squirrels with moustaches.
Des Lynam on Countdown.
Tony Blair’s speculative bogoff date crisis.
That whiny bloke with the silly glasses on the news.
Endless stories about stunted daffodils, rabbits in thermal underwear, underperforming thermal knickers etc.
Crap regional weather.
Crap regional weather forecasts.
Fiona Bruce.
Fiona Bruce’s moustache.
Crap X Factor spin off albums.
enuff already – I’m in another time zone now – time to go to bed

Squirrels: we need to know

Friday, March 24th, 2006

Following yesterday’s in-depth investigation into the euro-squirrel issue I was alarmed, when I espied from my bedroom window earlier, a member of this same species which appears to have taken up residence in the air vent of a nearby building. By perching on top of the vent, the rubber footed rodent can fully visualise the goings on [and otherwise] in my personal bedchamber. I am, understandably, concerned. What if this is not a true euro-squirrel but a CIA stealth-squirrel, targeted on me and my nocturnals? Fully equipped with laser night vision and nuclear powered – as no doubt it would be if manufactured in the US. Thus enabled for a considerably extended period to relay detailed multi-megapixel quality images back, via squirrelsat, to spook HQ somewhere in a hollowed out mountain west of here. ‘Paranoid’, you might think – but now we have a Tory MP in Bignjuicyville things have changed. Why did my phone ring inexplicably at 9.09am this morning only to stop ringing at 9.09am just 15 seconds later? Exactly.
Why have I never seen a baby squirrel? They always seem to be big bruisers, fully formed and ready to scamper up the nearest tree at the merest flicker of an eyelash. Where are all the offspring? Or do they hatch out, fully grown, from giant squirrel eggs ready to go forth and eat nuts? Would it be economically viable to mass produce squirrel burgers? I think not – unless you were going to farm the squirrels. Imagine what a squirrel farm would be like. They’d be bouncing about all over the shop. You’d have to make a giant lid to stop them bouncing off into the nearby industrial estate and rampaging through the Nearby Nut factory. [ Dry roasted being a particular favourite ]. How many squirrels could you fit in per square metre before it became inhumane? Are there laws and local authority regulations governing the incarceration, for burger production purposes, of squirrels: bush tailed and multiple numbers of ? Do squirrels suffer psychological trauma when prevented from leaping up trees willy nilly? – I suspect they do. I conclude that the squirrel burger will only ever be a small volume product – more of an occasional gourmet snack. Air gun accuracy permitting. No doubt, the squirrel opposite will be keeping a close eye on me. But, already I’m on to him – I have, as I type, installed Squirrelcam to monitor his [or her ] every twitch. Expect developments.

Friday, March 24th, 2006


So, no takers for this criminal chap from yesterday?

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006

Monsieur, with these squirrels you are really spoiling our nuts
Did you know that the future of Ferrero Rocher is at grave risk?
A voracious hoarde of rampaging squirrels is massing perilously close to the south of Turin. The precious plantations of hazlenuts which form the basis of the chocolate Globe of the Gods are about to be munched into oblivion by the bushy tailed terrorists. Not content with duffing up virtually the entire population of British Red Squirrels, they are now about to decimate the bad taste dinner parties of the upwardly mobile. [Those transparent boxes they pack them in make really handy desk tidys too ].
Four solutions:
1. Jamie Oliver Squirrel burger anyone?
2. Why not join the European Squirrel initiative? [ I want a T Shirt ]
3. Convince Mr Bush [geddit?] that they are a threat to national security. Stand back whilst he lasers their bushy behinds from outer space.
4. Bugger the hazlenuts and eat Mars bars.

The BudgetYour FAQs

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
Will there be any tax cuts?
I could cut taxes but…
we don’t wanna give you that
I’m spending it all on schools!

I have children. Is there any help for me?
Yes. The government will arrange for a white van to visit in the early hours of the morning. Have them ready with enough clean underwear for a two week stay at the Jamie Oliver correctional facility and brat camp. You won’t know them once we’ve finished with them.

I am a pensioner. What is in the Budget for me?
Bugger all granny. Get real. This is New Labour. Labour means work – geddit?

I have bought a new car. Will I be paying more tax?
Sure thing. There are several new taxes we’ve designed especially for you.
1. Hub cap relief allowance. Based on the molecular weight and precise alloy used in your caps as well as the aesthetic appeal of your alloys and how blingin they are. Expect to pay between £2.50 [ Ford Fiesta with UPVC inserts ] and £1250 [ Merecedes SLK with Beckhamique ceramic dongers ].
2. Petrol pump attendance allowance. Prepay on your moby [ text messages cost £1.50 ] or buy a voucher from Vera at the forecourt.
3. In-car ornamentation charge. A sliding scale of charges, payable at time of purchase, on all new in-car thingies. Examples: Orangey traffic light smelly thing to hang from you rear view mirror + 50p. Nodding pitbull + £1.50. Cigarette lighter powered electro toilet +£3.00. David Dicko mahogany style rococo raleigh seats +£85.

What additional help will you be giving to schools?
Every child will be provided with a Personal Educational Assistant. A highly trained mentor style personal performance coach. They will be able to provide your child with the opportunities you never had. They’ll do your child’s homework whilst he does PS2. They’ll nip out for Twiglets or Lucozade at break when he forgets to stock up on the way in. They’ll even, in an emergency, phone you to remind you of your child’s existence whilst you’re busy working. [Fees apply. Your child may be reposessed if you do not keep up repayments. Calls may be recorded and sold to the BBC for use on Watchdog]
We are also recruiting 30 million extra teachers from Guatemala to staff our new ‘Get up n Guatemala Business and Enterprise Half Hour Extension Twilight After School Club n Dance Trance Zones’. Enjoy.

My parents have a large home which I am set to inherit. What has happened to inheritance tax (IHT)?
We’ve increased it so that rich kids like you can subsidise the less well off.
[ Unless you are a Queen in which case Charlie boy gets the lot ].

My daughter is buying her first home, is there any help available?
Yes. We will be producing a series of helpful leaflets with titles such as, ‘Capitalist enslavement – a guide for the young and the desperate’. ‘Finding affordable homes in the south-east’ [Currently out of print]. ‘Estate agents and other wildlife of the United Kingdom’. ‘Linda Barker’s magic moments with MDF’.

I am a saver and investor, is there any help for me?
Not really – you’ve got plenty already Comrade. Why not consider a donation to your local SNEZ [School n Enterprise Zone].

What about booze and fags?
Sounds like a good idea. I need something to take my mind off of all this heavy financial stuff.

I am an employee. Will I be paying more tax?
Not really. Overall, you’ll be slightly better off when you take into account the endogenous offset factor which will apply to around 95% of all eligible employees during the forthcoming fiscal cycle. I trust that’s allayed your concerns.

Is there anything else?
Yes. I’m going to be Prime Minister at last! Good eh?

Monday, March 20th, 2006

When sweaters attack

Don’t have nightmares, don’t look at this site after 10pm.

Beam me up 2 – on me ‘ead
Something large and steely nearly fell on somebody’s head at Wemberley.

The Moustache Quiz has been solved finally by the lovely Harriet. Full answers now posted down there. Thanks to all who persisted. Rejoice.

Question: Would you let your 12 year old watch a documentary film that featured several uses of the f**k word plus other assorted swear words as well as some fruity n frank discussion of various sexual goings on?