Archive for December, 2005

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Saturday, December 31st, 2005

Moira Anderson, Gerry Anderson, Captain Scarlet, Mysteron, Hoots mon, Andy Stewart, Andy Pandy, Andi Peters, top of the pops, petered out, Rome flop, new pope, same old rope, Moria Stewart, Kenneth McKellar, Kenneth Kendall, Kendal mint cake, wee Jimmy Krankie, Billy Connolly, Live a lotto, Live a lie, do or die, Isle of Skye, McHaggis the Haggis Monster, Flash cleans baths without scratching, Donald where’s yer troosers, Donald Dewar, Donald McDonald, Donald Duck, Roland Rat, Roald Dahl, Ronald McBurger, wee dram, wee Robin, big Mo, tick tock, Madonna’s growler, Pauline Fowler, Abba fabber, Mama Mia, Doogie Donnelly, Boogy Woogy, Jules Holland, Netherland, Neverland, never going back, Rick Astley, Stock Aitken Waterman, slaughtermen, Gordon Ramsay OBE, Oh Bleedin Ell, where’s Jamie?, try something new today, turkey twizzler, super sizzler, phwoar, it was the sun, wot won, landslide slid away, glad to be gay, oh happy day, gay penguins, stolen penguin, Tunnocks Teacakes, Singapore sling, Olympic thing, King Kong.
7, 7
Ecclestone quits, Wrapstar quits, Jordan gets her vocal chords out for the lads, Chaffinch flew, banned hoodies, Jade Goody celebrity-pah, Kinga the minga, George n Kate, two in the Bush, McCririck’s pants, Neighbours twenty, horse in carriage, royal marriage, channel four, 100 greatest bores, evva.
Edith Bowman, Brucey Showman, strictly ballroom, not mushroom, for the Routemaster, faster, bendier, bigger, nastier, Simon Cowell, X Factor vomit, Wallace and Gromit, giant rabbit, bad habit, Kate Moss, Docherty dross, dead loss, dead cat, Take That, no Robbie, Greyfriars Bobby, Scottish Parliament, David Tennant, new who, boo hoo, no more Balamory, Hamish McBeth, similar death, same old story, new Tory Leader, posh bleeder, posh and becks, feck off, Chris Evans, Billie Piper, still Friends, endless repeats, Tony’s going, Gordon’s coming, Charlie’s thinking, maybe drinking, a wee dram, nazi prince, royal wince, Graham’s mince, strictly.
Twice nightly, Ronnie B, Peter Benenson, good guys three.
Guardian redesign, Coxy please resign, back to the moon, Jackie Stallone, loon, cheap on the phone, saynoto0870, Eugene, hello, geldof, ***ck off, to poverty, massive explosion, face transplant, Phil & Grant, BFN mogadonmart, more Taggart, Monarch of the Glen, Ellen MacA, drMcD, that’s all from me
for now…

Saturday, December 31st, 2005

Critical mess
Do you find it difficult to take criticism?
Part of the reason I became my own boss was that I finally had enough of being told what to do by people who were just on a different page of the Idiot Manual to me. I find it difficult to recall any boss I’ve ever had that I’ve respected. This probably says more about me than about them. They, in the main, had followed the Idiot Manual closely and made sure that they wore all the optional attachments at all times. They knew how to recite the management mantras from appendices A thru F and did so with varying degrees of conviction. [“I’m just telling you this because X has told me to tell you” – is one memorable chinless example]. I do respect talent and genius tempered with cuddly loveliness. Unfortunately not many bosses possess this demanding combination of traits, since most of the furry Einsteins are too busy attaining nirvana and banking large cheques than to have time to mediate mundane middle management. I’ve concluded, therefore, that I’m probably unemployable, in the traditional sense of being an obedient lackey. All of this brought to a head by Guy Browning’s piece today. He writes, “Well-delivered criticism works on the basis that the offender (don’t call him the offender, obviously) had the very best of intentions, but his chosen actions delivered precisely the opposite of the desired effect. If only the offender would change his actions, then everyone would achieve a higher and simultaneously deeper level of happiness, and he would be able to avoid being such a bloody idiot.”
The rest of the article sets the scene to this insightful conclusion very well. Recommended reading for all those who aspire to be idolised by the inferiors. Placing yourself in the shoes of those you are about to slag is a practice I recommend. If you can be arsed to do it. I fear, though, it is too late for I. I’ve just filed weekly part 96 of the Manual in the shredder; the paper’s a lovely quality and makes fine bedding for the hamsters.

Greetings pop pickers

Saturday, December 31st, 2005

We’re currently liking:
When the sun goes down – Arctic Monkeys. ‘He’s a scumbag don’t ya know’
Earthy northern goodness.

I heard em say – Kanye West. ‘Things we see on the screen are not ours’.
[ Sample links are good for 24 hours ]

Twiglet zone

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Only last year I was saying how much I enjoy this time of year, ‘no mans land’, between Christmas and New Year. Am I allowed to change my mind?
Body clock all over the shop due to uncontrollable urge to sit up half the night watching gadawful ‘holiday movies’ and dire four hour long quiz shows. Waistline expanding due to unprecedented mince pie, twiglet and guinness fest [don’t go there]. Strange gastric rumblings necessitating lots of brisk walks in sub zero temperatures in near darkness. Wading through mountains of bin bags ejected onto the pavement by frenzied overfed families with credit abuse issues. Whose idea was all this?
Next year: an organic lettuce leaf and some mineral water on a beach in the Southern Hemisphere.
That’d be right.
Better start saving.

European Union
A major festive knicker twisting event is in session in Vienna.
Some artists have created a set of rather tasteful posters [ wholesome version of one shown above ] which extol the virtues of the EU in symbolic form. One features three highly toned actors wearing rubber masks of George W, Queenie and Jacques Chirac. The ‘heads of state’ are interacting in a wholly non constitutional manner. All hell has broken loose as a result, with much government frothing and foaming in a Daily Mail stylee. They are a bit right-wing in Vienna I hear.

Holiday hiatus

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

Stuck at home with demented relatives?
Forcing high calorie foods and endless cups of tea down your gullet?
Can’t take any more reruns of Jamie’s School Dinners?
Finding the idea of a brisk walk appealing?

Why not go on the interweb instead and search for your innermost longings.
Many do at this time of year; as is evident from these recent bignjuicy searches:

Carol Vorderman bum [ a perennial favourite this one]
constant yawning [ go out for a brisk walk]
uk shaggers [ there’s a lot of em about]
adult web cams in Norwich [ hmm… ]
unfeasibly large breasts [ Jordan is so last year ]
upvc front door milton keynes [ many are they ]
irish wolfhounds [ the best dog in the world, probably ]
who hated gordon the gopher so much [ sorry I haven’t a clue ]
funny things that happened in the uk in 2005 [ where do I begin ? ]

If you bought something from Amazon in the run up to the Season of Niceness then you’d be wise to keep an eye on the price of it for a month afterwards.
Amazon, apparently, have a little known ‘price drop’ policy. This means that should they drop the price of an item you’ve purchased, within a month of that purchase, they will refund the difference in price.
Via the most excellent
Amazon phone numbers [ also little known ]:
UK Customer Service 0208.636.9200
Freephone (only from within the UK): 0800 279 6620
Phone (outside the UK): +44 20 8636 9451
Fax (free from within the UK): 0800 279 6630
Fax (outside the UK): +44 20 8636 9401

Thing a thong of exthmas

Sunday, December 25th, 2005


Saturday, December 24th, 2005


The hunger will cease.
The pain will be no more.
The smile will return.

One day.
When life is polarised and we see more clearly.
When there is no choice but to pause for a while and think.
When we can make a little progress.


Friday, December 23rd, 2005

…hot to handle:

Poor little Toga, the 3 month old Jackass penguin, birdnapped from a zoo on the Isle of Wight last week. Time is running out for the little chap. Mum & Dad are off their food and pining [ can penguins pine? ] for him. If you are reading this, penguin pinchers, please return Toga. Everyone wants a happy ending for Christmas. Reclining Figure by Henry Moore was carted off from a carpark. Not the sort of thing you’d hide under your jacket, being a two ton job n all. Should you be offered a cut price bronze off the back of a lorry, [ mercedes of course ], think on. You don’t get many of these to the pound. In fact three million required to get just one. Indeed.


Thursday, December 22nd, 2005


The Ginko tree. Is of an ancient species. Introduced to Britain in the 16th century. The tree is a survivor; The Housenbou Ginkgo – 1 mile from ground zero, lived through the Hiroshima atomic blast. The Holly Tree. The legend is that the Holly first sprang up under the footsteps of Christ, when He trod the earth. Its thorny leaves and scarlet berries are likened to drops of blood. The Spruce is traditionally used as a Christmas tree. Introduced to Britain by Prince Albert, hubby of Queen Vic.


Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

….moments of the year:

I had a blogcrisis.

I met a hero of mine.

I found the grave of Michael Collins in Dublin.

The moon took on new meaning.