“Things can only get better” © P. Mandelson 1997.
“Heartlands” © W.Hague 2001. [ Composer M. Batt - him off the wombles ].
“The Loony Hat Of Friendship” © The Official Monster Raving Loony Party 2005 [ Composer Colonel Cocoa-Bean ]
For me, the election finally came alive yesterday with the arrival of a pink photcopied leaflet through my door. Far from being another bleedin takeaway flyer as suspected, this was an official election communciation with a difference. A few headlines:
Income Tax will be abolished and will be replaced by lending the government a bob or two when we are skint and putting any left over on a horse running in the 3.30 at Haydock Park.
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
Tax credits will be paid to nice people only.
All future Deputy Prime Ministers must be fluent in at least one language.
Pensioners will get Â£2000 a week if they don’t bore people with talking about the past.
Caravans will pay the same amount of road tax as cars.
All weapons of mass destruction will be highly visible so that we know where they are.
Any other policies you want us to implement will be seriously considered.
This is the most interesting and entertaining election leaflet I’ve ever read. Having read these policies I was drawn to learn more. Nothing short term about this lot as a glance at their website reveals:
“Not wishing to be caught out by allegations that we don’t think our policies through in terms of what future impact they might have, our resident clairvoyant, Lady Florence Flederkuch has gazed into her crystal top hat and helped The Flying Pasty set Loony policy for 550 years’ time. Now that’s forward planning.”
Another bright idea is to rename number 10 Downing St to 10 and 6 Downing Street.
The founder of the OMRLP, Lord Sutch, lost more elections than anyone else in the UK’s political history, and to this day remains the longest-serving party leader ever – even though he died in 1999.
My own candidate once worked for the Muppet Show. Jim Henson once told him that he could be trusted to produce illustrations to his high standards because he “thought like a muppet”. What more could you want from your MP?
The economy is safe in their hands too. “A Loony Government will introduce a new system of currency to run alongside Sterling. It will involve a process based on bartering, using chickens. Internet shopping will become slightly more difficult if using chickens, but the problem is not insurmountable. We propose a system that will involve using squadrons of carrier pigeons, strapped together in a harness, to fly coops full of the required number of chickens, to the supplier of the goods you have purchased. However, the slight problem there is that several pigeons harnessed together might argue about the best direction to take. Therefore we propose to train pigs to fly to lead the squadrons of carrier pigeons. This will improve unemployment as many pig trainers will be required as getting pigs to fly isn’t at all easy. Pigs will be fitted with spoilers and go-faster stripes in order to make them more streamlined (if they can be bred like this, then that makes everything more efficient). The go-faster stripes will have the added advantage of making all bacon streaky.”
Not sure how this will go down with vegetarian voters but it makes a refreshing change from endless arguments about the Euro. I’m very tempted to vote Loony – which probably says a lot about me.