Archive for November, 2004

Bugs

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004



Back in June I warned you about the imminent bunny boom threatening our very civilisation. Unceasingly, the Bignjuicy Research Agency has been, er, researching the phenomenon of Rabbit Repro. Their conclusion – in the news today – confirms my earlier suspicion: Rabbits are rampant and are increasing their numbers by 1% per year. At this rate we’ll be overrun by the time I get my bus pass. Badgers are also busy bonking and have been stealthily populating remote bunkers all over the joint with their junior shaving brush babies. When TB finally unleashes the dogs of war – [ the Hounds of Doom having been banned and compulsorily DNA impounded along with David Blunkett's harem by then ] – the rabbits will be living under your bed, gnawing on your very incontinence pad – just remember, you read it here first.

Monday, November 29th, 2004

On my TV. A message to you

2 tone Britain.

Tonight 11.00pm.

C4

Urgent

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

I’m very worried.

A dangerous situation has developed here in Bignjuicyville. So dangerous, infact, that I hesitate to write about it. I thought it best, though, to share my concern as you, dear reader, may wish to act very promptly once you are aware. I urge you as soon as you’ve finished reading to equip yourself with the necessary and leave your home [ or internet cafe or moving vehicle for those of a wireless disposition ], proceeding immediately and without hesitation. Do not stop to collect your personal effects, there is no time to waste for this is surely a matter of life and death. Warning signs have been emerging for weeks and have now reached such a pitch that I can no longer stand idly by and watch. I am impelled to act before the ticking clock reaches metaphorical midnight and it is too late. My unease has grown as strange lights have appeared in the sky. My fellow Bignjuicyvillians have become obsessed and singularly fixated. It’s become impossible to walk down the street and pretend. Such is the stridency of the multifarious messages I have been receiving from all quarters I must comply. I must shop for Xmas and I must shop good – I must empty my bank account, acquire and expire 0% cards aplenty and get retail. My house must be filled with cream, turkeys, smiling grannies and DVDs. I must roast, I must mash, I must carve, I must open pre-packed snackettes, I must tinsellate, I must greet, I must fest and seasonate, I need to be jolly, I need to get holly, vital for me to card everyone before they card me and above all I must dance for my life, rosy cheeked by the light of an open fire, with Jamie as my twinkly guest. All these things I must do – and fast – for if I don’t surely my life will be over before it has begun.

Sob

Favourite Things

Linkage is mine – Jonathan Ive – thankyew Things.

Justice?

Friday, November 26th, 2004

What a complete waste of money. Idiotic twat uses mobile phone to take picture in court room. Gets arrested for contempt of court. Causes abandonment of trial. Gets locked up for sixth months. Is he really a danger to the public? Would not the money spent on his hearing and incarceration be better spent elsewhere whilst he does a million hours community service or summat? [ Froth foam, chews Daily Mail etc ]

Darkness falls across the land

Thursday, November 25th, 2004

Bleedin eck. It’s Thursday and I’ve written one post this week so far. Time flies when you’re having fun. I’m busier now than I was when I had a job. It’s true what retired people say. Only I’m not retired – yet. Somehow it feels like I have. No more getting up in the middle of the night for my daily commuter war session. No more office politics and feeling crap the whole time. No more achingly pointless meetings, “we don’t need an agenda – I’ll just let you argue amongst yourselves for a while and you can do what I want to do anyway” – how I loathed those meetings. Yes I feel like a different person – I just need to find one now…

The weather here in Bignjuicyville has been stunning.

Today was depressing tho. The sun set for the first time before 4pm. The daylight hours are getting shorter and shorter and will continue to do so for just under another month. We’re heading into the black hole that is winter. Somehow I’m feelng it more acutely this year – I think it comes from having time to stand and stare – and I’m enjoying watching it unfold. Last night there was a temperature inversion which caused a band of fog about a metre high to cover the local park. Below the fog – which was about a metre off the ground you could see the grass and the view into the distance. Above the fog you could see the trees and the view into the distance. The fog layer was swirling around. It was just like a dry ice effect and not a little hollywood horror in character. I’m probably going to enjoy the bad weather more too as I’m not having to travel so much in it and I can observe it’s more picturesque qualities and then retreat inside – we’ll see. The thing I don’t like about this time of year is the lack of light. The weather this week has been exceptional with sun most days but when the gloom descends it’s dispiriting and no amount of cosy fireside stuff can make up for it. I’m wondering if I should relocate to the Bignjuicy overseas estate which is in warmer climes with longer days. Maybe Dracula will win the election and give me the excuse I need to bugger off.

Stung

I went to see Sting the other night. I don’t care – I’m not ashamed – it’s time to stand up and be counted – I like Sting’s music. The concert was OK – a bit overamplified. He knows how to please the audience – most of his big hits and not too much ‘here’s a track from my latest album’. The concert was 9 months late – previously cancelled due to laryngitis [ you have to laugh - Sting, laryngitis geddit? ] – but it was worth waiting for. He plays well live – great quality in his voice and apart from an hysterical duet with an out of control backing singer every song was great. His current tour is mammoth and there was a sense that the performance was very polished – on stage on the hour – off stage at 10.30pm, 15 min encore then into the rainforest friendly helicopter and back to the mansion for a spot of tantric crochet. Ace light show with some really groovy video screen action. Intriguing that a large proportion of the visuals featured slinky ‘tales of the unexpected’ stylee chicettes writhing seductively to the music – he’s a bit of a lad is our Gordon. My favourite track of the evening, totally unexpected as it’s a bit obscure – brought a tear to my eye.

Great atmospheric review of the May Albert Hall concert here. Says it far better than I can.

Støragë

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

I’m not ashamed to admit it, I love IKEA. I’m now the proud owner of a vast, “I Can’t believe it’s Not Plastic”, book case – it’s called NÖRRIEGAFÃ…ERT or summat like that.

It came in 58 different pÃ¥rts. I nearly gave birth to my spleen trying to manoeuvre it out of the wÃ¥rehouse into my cÃ¥r – so heavy were the two enormous cardboard packages it came in. The IKEA assistant – [ there is only one ] – stood idly by staring at his feet as I skilfully stëëred my trølley the two miles to my car. I could see him watching me through binoculars and sneering as I unbolted the seats from my car and threw them into the bushes such was my blind determination to get those enormous boxes inside. High speed motorway driving with a 1.5 tonne box pressing into the back of your neck is not to be advised especially whilst listening to, “The very best of schooldisco.com – various artists”. Not to worry. After some heavy allen key action I’ve installed about 80000 books on the NÖRRIEGAFÃ…ERT and it’s looking stunning – on the first floor. I estimate total weight to now be about 2 tonnes. The floor is making a worrying creaking noise tho. Bit worried it’s going to go south for the winter. Journey to the Centre of the Lounge sort of thing. Was Jules Vërnë Swedish? I liked that song, “Mad World” mind you.

Juicy bits

When mutants have cybersex – it can be very funny indeed. Nice plums.

Tesco are leaders in retail design. Not.

400 people can’t be wrong – he’s normal.

Charmin – choose bog standard and save cash.

The dog ate my blog(aka where the hell have you been you lazy get?)

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

Excuses – True or False?

Reasons not to blog:

1. It’s dark outside.

2. It’s cold outside.

3. It’s raining outside.

4. There’s nothing to write about.

5. There’s a good porno film on the telly. It’s called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

6. The aardvarks need feeding. They are ravenous beasts and there aren’t that many termites around at this time of year.

7. I’ve got to assemble that flatpack jacuzzi I bought at Lidl.

8. My oven needs de-coking. I’ve no time to blog.

9. I’ve got a fractured eyelash.

10. My telephone bill is too low and I need to use up my call allowance talking to premium rate sex lines.

11. My keyboard has gone mouldy.

12. My hard drive is making an annoying noise and I have to wear ear protectors. This is discouraging me from blogging.

13. I can’t stop listening to Band Aid 20. I am immobilised by Justin’s vocals.

14. My pet gerbil is ill with toxic gerbil syndrome – all my time is absorbed in tending to it.

15. The wallpaper in my bedroom contains nerve agent and my fingers are paralysed from late night wallpaper frottage.

16. I spent all night queuing up for an Ipod and got frostbite of the extremities.

17. My Ipod exploded rendering me incontinent.

18. I’ve been impounded by the intelligence services for subversive blogging.

19. I’ve risen too far above my station so need to have my pegs lowered by up to two.

20. I’m busy out on the roof performing a pet rescue on cutecat who has attempted to abseil without a rope down the back wall of my house.

Wear sunscreen

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.”

“Enjoy your body.

Use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance.”

Heard it again on the radio earlier – makes you think I think.

MP3 available here here

Exclusive!The Juicyaid 85 line-up

Monday, November 15th, 2004

The stars have been gathering at the Bignjuicyville masonic bunker to record the 85th anniversary Juicyaid single, “Do they care we’re has beens”. Rob Gandalf, who is now a listed building, flew in from Guatemala for the occasion. “I’m fucking knackered you bastards”, was his only comment to the assembled throng of journalists, fans and indifferent passersby on their way to Mogadonmart. Scores of celebrity vocalists arrived on the 10.22 no 23 Arriva bus which stops just down the road outside the bakers. They were immediately escorted inside to begin work on the historic recording. Bonio broke off from his tour of Greater Krakhausen to jetpack in and reprise his famous line, “Tonight thank God we’re rich and you aren’t”.

The juicyaid lineup in full:

  • Fido
  • Phono
  • Bonio
  • Justin Silvercrotch
  • Lord Paul McCashregister
  • Elvis
  • Viscount Gandalf de Groucho
  • Melissa Thong
  • Boss Stoned
  • Phil Tounge
  • Daniel Bunkbed
  • Natasha Bunkbed
  • Mrs Bunkbed
  • Mr Bunkbed
  • Tiddles Bunkbed
  • Ford Mondeo Bunkbed
  • Mizz Semtex
  • Linda Barking
  • Huw Edwards
  • Jenny Bond
  • Prince William
  • Breeder
  • Fagash
  • Robeee Chesthair n Gerri Shaggalot
  • Noel Eyebrow
  • Midge Mungo
  • Laminate Llewellyn-Bongo
  • Handy Andy
  • Bill Collins
  • Bill Bailey
  • Jack Daniels
  • Busty
  • Crusty
  • The Devine Launderette
  • Lamelia
  • Lobelia
  • Lloret de Mar
  • Morticia de Rayban
  • Damien Barnconversion (serving Coke in a rubber apron)

Don’t forget! Buy the new single:

- only £59.99 available now and every Christmas unceasingly in perpetuity without end.

Exclusive download available here.

Yawn

Sunday, November 14th, 2004



Band Aid 20.

Robbie Williams. I don’t want to know about your inner pain – I’ve enough of my own.

Big Brother derivatives. Enuff with the two way mirrors and chavtestants.

Xmas.

All 650 thousand reasons to shop at Morrisons. They’re cheap – that’s all we want.

Craig Doyle. He’s so twinkly I want to hit him.

The National Lottery. 10 years is enough OK?

Crap railways. Sell it to Germany. or France, or Japan.

The Pensions Crisis.

Prawn



“Great of you to log on to Boris Johnson’s website. We are snowed under at the moment, but will be ready to resume later on this week with Boris’s next posting. All comments options will be frozen in the meantime.”

Now, there’s one post that will be worth reading methinks.

It’s a mystery to me why they don’t want any comments ;)