Bignjuicy

“You’re going to have to teach my husband how to do that”

Women are needed to test an orgasm machine. No, Errol Flynn has not been cryogenically reactivated. This is a spinal implant that reaches those places only a Zannussi on full spin cycle had previously been able to – it’s much smaller too but at $22000 a time I’m sensing we’ll have to wait for the Nokia version to hit ebay before we have a problem with women overdoing it with the orgasmatron and then phone-moaning that they can’t come into work of a morning.

Personally speaking, I’m finding these almost a satisfactory substitute.

National Disaster

“Due to a power failure at BBC’s Television Centre, we are unable to process new weather data and graphics for our services. Engineers are working to fix the problem, but at present we do not know when the data and maps on the website will be updated. Apologies for the interruption to our output.”

‘What on earth are we Brits meant to talk about now? I pay my licence fee – this is simply not good enough. [ Disgusted of Bignjuicyville ]

Here is the alternative 5 day forecast [ I didn't have time to do Monday and Tuesday - it is the weekend you know ]:

At last we’ve won something and in celebration BnJ launches a tribute to our boys – see if you can name each n every one of em – heroic warriors all. Just don’t mention the school fees…

A day of reflection today.

A lot of people I’m encountering lately seem to have been recently bereaved.

Interesting how many seem to be thinking they want to make changes in their lives following their loss.

Two deep n heavy conversations today in this vein. Funny how they all come along at once.

Foreign accent syndrome

I never knew there was such a thing. Until I saw this today.

Seemingly we hold within ourselves the facility to adopt any accent in our speech – all it takes is a major trauma of the brain to make it so. Would it be cheap of me to wonder if Lloyd Grossman is right in the head?

Today’s thought

Go placidly in the noise and haste.

About 5 years ago I was offered the chance to attend a ‘Champagne tasting masterclass’ provided that I pretended to be a restaurant manager from an exclusive establishment. Well what do you say to an offer like that?

So there I was, with all the other connoisseurs with 12 glasses of Champagne to the front, a spit bucket to the side and a badly repressed grin on my face as I prepared to ‘learn’.

The finer points are lost on me now but two things stayed with me. One, the Pinot Meunier grape seems to have an unwavering good effect on any Champagne or sparkling wine – if you see it mentioned on a bottle it’s a safe bet to buy it – should be v.nice. Two, not all Champagnes are the same. In fact a lot of the wines that can legitmately call themselves ‘Champagne’ – by dint of their originating from the Champagne region of France – are in fact inferior to many wines made in other parts of the world using the same method (Champenoise) but allowed only to be known as ‘Sparkling Wine’. The other thing I learnt was an understanding of the word ‘complexity’ when applied to wine and this is never more evident I think when dealing with sparkling wines. There is a richness of flavour – really I should say flavours – when tasting a ‘complex’ wine. Makes it a really enjoyable experience, multi layered with distinct but complimentary notes that all wrap up into oral and olfactory pleasure – oh yes. I’m not a wine buff – in fact I know not very much other than what I’ve written here but with Christmas coming up I thought I would share the benefit I derived from that little gathering a few years back. Should you be considering the purchase of some seasonal bubbly I would suggest steering clear of the many obscure and little known brands that suddenly appear at this time of year. Australian Sparkling Chardonnay is usually a safe bet. Mid priced Cava ( go to a wine merchants – supermarket stuff = no good). And for Champagne you can’t go wrong with a bottle of Piper Heidsieck – currently 3 for 2 in Sainsbury’s.

Cheers.

I walked out this morning

It was like a veil had been removed from before my eyes

For the first time I saw the work of heaven

In the line where the hills had been married to the sky

And all around me every blade of singing grass

Was calling out your name and that our love would always last

And inside every turning leaf

Is the pattern of an older tree

The shape of our future

The shape of all our history

And out of the confusion

Where the river meets the sea

Came things I’d never seen

Things I’d never seen

I was brought to my senses

I was blind but now that I can see

Every signpost in nature

Said you belong to me

The only one with any stage presence.

The only one with star quality.

The most beautiful.

Ah well…no accounting for taste.

Author Hari Kunzru has turned down a £5000 prize sponsored by The Mail on Sunday because of it’s “hostility towards black and Asian people”. Good for him.

With the approach of the the new year I think it’s time that the men of this country realised that the current obsession with ‘through a hedge backwards’ is bad for national wellbeing and is leading to a decay in moral fibre. Just look around you; everywhere there are spiky just-out-of-bed confections, hoxton fins, wolverhampton dorsals, birmingham blowholes, catford cattails and numerous other hair crimes in need of immediate right wing retribution. [ froth, foam ]

Do they not realise the shame that will be heaped upon them by future generations, as yet unborn, when their inappropriate reverse mullets are exposed in family photo collections many years hence? I have a theory that this maybe a turn of the century thing. To verify this I conducted extensive detailed research into the tonsorial tendencies at the beginning of the previous century.

I need say no more.

But I will. It’s time to get over this unkempt unkemptness. Whatever happened to a nice sensible shortbacknsides, [ heavy on the brylcreem, something for the weekend, cough cough ]?

I blame TB – any country with Monsieur Bouff as it’s leader is asking for trouble – whatever next: a woman as head of state? [ twitch ]

I’ve had such a laugh playing with this site and then Alain recorded a special greeting pour vous ici. [ Clickez sur mon bonce to ecoutez ] Simple things for simple minds…

Meanwhile more serious matters; this spotted at Georgie’s local church – [ flock all ye faithful ]