Archive for July, 2003

Silly season underway

Thursday, July 31st, 2003

When journos go tropo…

Nothing like a dame

Gardener sues Dame Elizabeth Taylor for £183000 for 10 years work claiming he was not paid because he was not gay.

Maximus Wobblus

Bad boy Russell Crowe names Rolf Harris as childhood hero and vows to appear in Rolf tribute concert.

Kylie may top her Olympic ‘Dancing Queen’ routine by importing her Kyliebuttocks to the RAH for the occasion.

Gay bar

Anglican church backs gay bishop. This should not be confused with the recent ‘Anglican Church divided over Gay Bishop’ scenario. They don’t know if they’re coming or going.


Great White shark spotted in English Channel. Now we know why madman flew across so fast.

Alan Bennett meets ‘The Office’. This is great. I’ve been a closet reader for a while now and I can contain myself no longer – linkage has been implemented. Loving it.

who am eye?

This eye belongs with the ear and the lips.

Anudder bit tomorrow if nobody gets it.

^ See that?

That’s me that is – happy bunny – why?

Graham Lester has kindly described this here site as “Best of British Blogging”. Umbled I am, umbled – there are far worthier ones than I across there on the left for starters but thanks muchly Graham. Incidentally, he’s been breaking records himself on Thursday with a particularly amazing nine minute job application / rejection cycle ironically demonstrating the power of email to disappoint ever faster. The SMS divorce has been widely reported this week. How long before someone lives out their whole life in one day via the internet?

Thanks too to Mark for the recent linkage – much appreciated.

Record breakers 1

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003

Record breakers 2

Yesterday was a record breaking day. A French designed train, running on French designed tracks broke the British record for train speed. This will no doubt cheer the millions of commuters jammed into the pre-war and cardboard rolling stock this morning as they battle to work. Oh for a truly modern transport system – better move to Germany I spose…

Even lovelier; Bignjuicy achieved a record number of hits yesterday.

Thankyou to all my lovely readers.

[ Even if one of you was looking for “Big Brother Hot Tube nudity” – wonder if my travel card covers that? ]

I’ve been enjoying the excellent New Yorker Cartoon Channel. If you have a broadband connection you can leave it open and it refreshes with a new cartoon regularly throughout the day. Sharp and sophisticated stuff and free too.

Who are they?

Picture number three. This is the second person of the featured duo.

Why do I do this?

God knows – but this caused a swollen adams apple earier today. Tweet tweet.

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003

Q. What is Beano?

A. Beano is a dietary supplement that helps prevent gas. Beano contains a food enzyme from a natural source that works with your body’s digestion to break down the complex sugars in gassy foods making them more digestible. It is the only natural product available that can help prevent gas.

Fnarr fnarr – no good to Johnny Fartpants then.

Of course we Brits know better; The Beano is actually a Great British Institution and today it’s an OAP; that’s right 65 years old. I never thought that Lord Snooty, Dennis the Menace & Gnasher, Minnie the Minx and all their pals would still be around at this time. But when you are seven you don’t think too far ahead. Sunday mornings we would all go to ‘the papershop’ – dodging the hoards of News of The World readers shielding the latest Nude Vicar expose from our young eyes as they headed off to the pub. The Beano front pages were, and still are, deliciously drawn; full of exuberance, colour and life – you just needed to buy it. Comic colour printing in the 70’s was still fairly primitive and for The Beano, aimed at seven year olds with pocket money burning a hole in their shorts – this meant most of the the stories were in one or two colours only but when you’ve never seen full colour lithography that doesn’t matter – it’s the stories that count after all.

Beanotown is a distillation of British life. Like the stripes on Dennis’s jumper, everything is clearly demarcated and polarised. No blurring of boundaries here – Gnasher is truly the doggiest dog a boy could have. The Bash Street Kids were truly the ‘class from hell’ before the term was ever invented. Dads are always avuncular uncomprehending authority figures who wear suits. Teachers still wear mortarboards and slap up feeds consist of piles of mashed potato with sausages sticking out – no Big Macs or sundried polenta in sight. Many of the stories too seem to be prophetic. Minnie the Minx invented ‘Girl Power’ 20 years before the Spice Girls were even born.

[ Strangely Gnasher produced five daughters in 1986: Gnorah, Gnancy, Gnaomi, Gnatasha and Gnanette. 5 out of control bitch dogs? nah they didn’t release their first single until 1996 ] Billy Whizz anticipated the instant delivery culture of cyberspace too.

Funnily enough Billy was a favourite of mine and I continue to model myself on him today.

My only gripe with the present Beano is the character of Dennis the Menace. Dennis, from the time he first appeared in the early 50’s has a slightly thuggish wild boy look. Although the character evolved over the years he retained that slightly out of control and unpredictable quality. The Dennis drawings I remember from the seventies now look crude compared with today’s character but I think the roughness around the edges contributed to the menace factor. He’s just a bit too cute now methinks.

Dennis 1951 Dennis 1968 Dennis 2003

So many happy returns Beano.

I must away now to reload my peashooter.

Beano linkage

Paul Morris’s Beano site – delightful with some truly Geekoid bits. I nicked the Billy Whizz pics from here – Paul does a great analysis of the visual devices used over the years to show Billy’s speed and has what appears to be definitive web information for many of the Beano artists and characters. Recommended

Martin Grayling’s Beano page with some nice historical cover shots and links to other sites and (now dated) guide prices should you have some historic Beanos to sell.

The official Beanotown Museum synopsis of the Beano Golden Age.

Beanotown official site – brilliant with loads to do including the unique musical experience that is the gnashaphone.

DC Thomson, publishers of The Beano, will be celebrating their 100th birthday in 2 years. I nicked all the pics from your site I confess please don’t sue me – look I’m encouraging people to go there and buy loads of stuff OK?

Chortle Chortle.

Tuesday, July 29th, 2003

whose lips are these?

they belong to the same person as the ear below.

Back in May I wrote about the questionable retention of human remains for ‘scientific’ research. Very pleasing, then, to read this morning that Manchester Museum is finally returning Australian Aboriginal remains to their native lands.

Comments are back – anyone know how to do mass edits of blogger posts to remove duplicate comment links?


ear ear

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

As the comments are down you have a little extra time to work out who this belongs to.

More body parts during the next few days. Two people are involved.

Shower hour

I learn from the Big Brother Africa site that they have a thing called ‘Shower Hour’. This sounds like just the sort of gratuitous nudity British TV has long been without. Looking at the ratings I predict it may well feature in future edtions of a certain ‘reality’ show.

I’ve managed to sunburn a 2 inch strip just to the north of my bottom. I think the builders cleavage effect kicked in last week when I was doing my Bob the Builder thang. Let me tell you chaps it’s not a good look and it’s itching like a buzzards crutch at this time.

no comments?

I know the comments are still someplace else – I’m doing all sorts to try and sort it so sorry if you had something you wanted to say – please do save it for when the comments are back – I so love feedback / abuse / ego massage 😉

Sob sob

We have no clothes to wear

So ? you’re in the bleedin Seychelles what more do you want ? food too?



Sunday, July 27th, 2003

First there was the unfortunate squishing of sniffer cat Rusik. Then the recolouration of Pelusa the polar bear. Now we have the sad news that Kuno the Killer catfish has expired. Kuno, who liked to snack on Daschund puppies [ What else? ] and inspired a rock band was found in a catatonic state in Moenchengladbach last week.

It wouldn’t be the silly season yet would it?

Sensiti is on excellent form.

The hoverfly sequence is breathtaking – no 3 from the top being my favourite.

Is Tony cracking up?

We need to know

Self promotion – moi?

I tied for first place with myself.

Kinky or wot?

“I must say I love your site”

rob = founder of enetation

aww shucks

Saturday, July 26th, 2003

Isn’t she lovely

Pelusa the purple polar bear is attracting a lot of interest at Mendoza City Zoo in Argentina.

“After a number of crashes over the last week we have decided to perform a complete database sync over the 26th and 27th July weekend. ”

Love enetation

Er that’s why all my comments have been wiped then….I see…hmm

Friday, July 25th, 2003
Bignjuicy – the star studded final
The day kicks off with an earnest discussion on the merits of curd separation versus integrated whey straining as practised in the medieval period. Cameroon advocates the latter whilst Staph polishes her teeth with some pumice stone leftover from the statue restoration task earlier in the week. John, meanwhile, decides to get controversial by sticking dairylea portions to his exposed buttocks and slamming them against the windows. Damon looks on quietly. Roy is busy in the garden telling the chickens about his plans for cheese based hamster therapy when he leaves the house.
The inmates are enjoying a cheesy lunch of melted gruyere, gorgonzola crackers and a bottle of Old Craig’s cheesy peculiar. Roy’s head is looking extra shiny after John polished it for him earlier. Cameroon has decided to abstain from lunch on religious grounds as he prepares to win Bignjuicy: TheFinal later in the day. Damon looks on, with a worried expression, quietly.
The inmates are in the garden sunbathing. They are discussing the STAR STUDDED FINAL due to take place later that day. Roy looks wistfully at the chickens whilst Cameroon outlines his plans to take over Songs of Praise and introduce a national fish promotion programme. Damon is looking increasingly worried. Staph is talking about how she is looking forward to giving her kitchen cupboards a good seeing to tomorrow.
Cameroon is performing his final whipping cream ablutions in the dairy room. Bignjuicy asks him how he feels about the possibility of winning later on. “Och aye, si ochal cuin am na nollaig, haddock and eight cases of red snapper” – comes the reply.
Staph is evicted to cheers from the hired crowd. Sir Cliffe is waiting in his white limo and whisks her away for a night of toilet duck and intimate grooming.
Damon is evicted and looks on quietly as STAR STUDDED HOST MATTHEW KELLY* performs, ‘The Music of the Night’ from Phantom of the Opera.
Roy is evicted to packs of barking Irish Wolfhounds as the residents of Battersea Dogs Home are released into the community especially for the occasion. Roy looks ecstatic and his head is especially gleaming this evening.
The realisation that Cameroon has won Bignjuicy THE STAR STUDDED FINAL dawns across the globe. L’OSSERVATORE ROMANO issues a ‘2 fishes special’ with a full photo spread of Cameroon’s best bits. Irish airline Gurnet Atlantic repaints one of it’s planes as a mullet. White smoke is seen to issue from the Bignjuicy chimney. The Church of England decides unanimously to appoint it’s first Mackerel bishop.
STAR STUDDED HOST MATTHEW KELLY* signs a new contract for Bignjuicy 2004

*Dannii Minogue is pregnant and on holiday

Thursday, July 24th, 2003

Bignjuicy: the countdown

Who cares? you decide

Day 62:

Bignjuicy has provided the inmates with much needed supplies.

The tanker arrived early in the morning whilst they were still asleep.

Now that the water supply has been refreshed BJ awaits a fascinating day tomorrow when the compulsory topic of discussion will be ‘cheese through the ages’.


Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003

Bignjuicy: the countdown

Who cares? you decide

Day 61:


Cameroon emerges from the dairy room with five pints of semi skimmed and a black cherry yoghurt.

Damon looks on quietly. Cut to chickens pecking at ground randomly. Cut to gratuitous shot of Staph in shower.


Cameroon has slanging match with John about gay rights. John insists on giving full details of his wedding to Nigel – Cameroon looks shocked – camera zooms in on left nostril repeatedly. Staph can be heard singing in the shower.


Roy enters bathroom and applies tube of Immac to head. Damon looks on from shower quietly. Roy’s head shines in harsh Bignjuicy lighting. A birdsong tape is played in the background. Staph is seen with a cotton bud removing eyeshadow from the anus of a greek statue.


John and Cameroon are in the jacuzzi. Cameroon looks into John’s eyes for over a minute. John looks uncomfortable. Cut to chickens pecking at ground randomly. Cameras zoom in on John’s swimming trunks.


Cameroon is in the dairy room – the remains of a large chocolate eclair can be seen on the floor. Cameroon is holding half a pound of butter in one hand and a copy of the New English Bible in the other. A birdsong tape is played in the background. Cut to commercial break with mobile phone adverts.