Saturday, May 31st, 2003
drD’s guide for the essential knowledge of modern life |
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| Hot weather | |
| Q. Say how a person should entertain at home during a spell of hot weather. | |
| A. A person should entertain at home during a spell of hot weather through the establishment of an animal crematorium. This should be in the open air. An ideal time for it’s ignition would be a quiet day such as the LORDS day. The neighbouring properties should be reconnoitred to ensure that all windows are open. This will ensure widespread distribution of the aroma to all neighbours. Begin by imbibing a few bevvies at the noonday – it is recommended to remove one’s outer garments. This to enable a healthy glow to develop upon the skin. Pour a large quantity of petroleum spirit upon the pyre which should be prepared at least five minutes before. Ignite whilst holding a tinny – Fosters would be an excellent choice. Immediately begin the cremation. Heap as many body parts as is possible onto the pyre, baste with melted lard and poke occasionally with a stick. It may be advantageous to employ an industrial electrical fan to blow the smoke to your neighbours open windows should the wind drop at any time. Only those amongst your gathering who shall have consumed sufficient bevvies may be permitted to eat of the pyre. A suitable musical accompaniment for the hard house massive would be Milked from ‘Tidy Trax’. Sweet. | |
| Q. State how a person should be attired during the summer months. | |
| A. First principles dicate that usual sartorial rules are suspended for the duration of the clement weather. This should be considered at all times in choosing one’s attire. It may be found for gentlemen that some adidas trackies, worn lo-slung afford great comfort. This is a particularly smart choice for the older, stouter, gentleman who may appreciate the additional ventilation afforded his buttcrack. Care should be taken to select fabric of a synthetic nature so as to prevent the evaporation of vital manly juices. The modern way is to expose the upper torso so as to maximise exposure to the sun for the entire three days of summer. Ladies will do well to discard the encumbrance of corsetage opting for a less formal thong and bra top combo. | |
| Q. Should social behaviour change at times of climatic heat? | |
| A. It is now usual to suspend customary rules of social behaviour during periods of climatic heat. The natural tendency for a person to experience physical discomfort at such times may be much alleviated if attention is paid to the advice given above in relation to appropriate attire. However there may well be points at which it is desirable to ride around the neighbourhood in a motor vehicle at high speed. Additional pleasure may be brought to one’s companions at such times through the playing of Milked from ‘Tidy Trax’ upon the in-car phonograph. This pleasure may be shared more widely if one is considerate enough to ensure the windows of the vehicle are kept open – especially in the very early morning. Younger ladies and gentlemen may also enjoy being taken to a public place and screamed at by their parents. This is a most satisfactory arrangement for all concerned when performed in Netto adjacent to the carbonated beverages. |
Gday! – want to drive someone crazy?
Play this for half an hour with the speakers turned up loud.
Rolftastic.
If you really like it you can download a permanent one to install on your PC – I did – it’s groovy.
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