Archive for May, 2003

Saturday, May 31st, 2003

drD’s guide for the essential knowledge of modern life

Hot weather
Q. Say how a person should entertain at home during a spell of hot weather.
A. A person should entertain at home during a spell of hot weather through the establishment of an animal crematorium. This should be in the open air. An ideal time for it’s ignition would be a quiet day such as the LORDS day. The neighbouring properties should be reconnoitred to ensure that all windows are open. This will ensure widespread distribution of the aroma to all neighbours. Begin by imbibing a few bevvies at the noonday – it is recommended to remove one’s outer garments. This to enable a healthy glow to develop upon the skin. Pour a large quantity of petroleum spirit upon the pyre which should be prepared at least five minutes before. Ignite whilst holding a tinny – Fosters would be an excellent choice. Immediately begin the cremation. Heap as many body parts as is possible onto the pyre, baste with melted lard and poke occasionally with a stick. It may be advantageous to employ an industrial electrical fan to blow the smoke to your neighbours open windows should the wind drop at any time. Only those amongst your gathering who shall have consumed sufficient bevvies may be permitted to eat of the pyre. A suitable musical accompaniment for the hard house massive would be Milked from ‘Tidy Trax’. Sweet.
Q. State how a person should be attired during the summer months.
A. First principles dicate that usual sartorial rules are suspended for the duration of the clement weather. This should be considered at all times in choosing one’s attire. It may be found for gentlemen that some adidas trackies, worn lo-slung afford great comfort. This is a particularly smart choice for the older, stouter, gentleman who may appreciate the additional ventilation afforded his buttcrack. Care should be taken to select fabric of a synthetic nature so as to prevent the evaporation of vital manly juices. The modern way is to expose the upper torso so as to maximise exposure to the sun for the entire three days of summer. Ladies will do well to discard the encumbrance of corsetage opting for a less formal thong and bra top combo.
Q. Should social behaviour change at times of climatic heat?
A. It is now usual to suspend customary rules of social behaviour during periods of climatic heat. The natural tendency for a person to experience physical discomfort at such times may be much alleviated if attention is paid to the advice given above in relation to appropriate attire. However there may well be points at which it is desirable to ride around the neighbourhood in a motor vehicle at high speed. Additional pleasure may be brought to one’s companions at such times through the playing of Milked from ‘Tidy Trax’ upon the in-car phonograph. This pleasure may be shared more widely if one is considerate enough to ensure the windows of the vehicle are kept open – especially in the very early morning. Younger ladies and gentlemen may also enjoy being taken to a public place and screamed at by their parents. This is a most satisfactory arrangement for all concerned when performed in Netto adjacent to the carbonated beverages.



Gday! – want to drive someone crazy?

Play this for half an hour with the speakers turned up loud.

Rolftastic.

If you really like it you can download a permanent one to install on your PC – I did – it’s groovy.



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So farewell then

Saturday, May 31st, 2003

The merry month of May…

My forty first

you brought

Baroness Amos to my life

hasbeens who became ’stars’

an increased awareness of nostril hair

middle age

and lovely weather

in fact it’s all rather lovely

at the moment.

A shooting star – may your amazon wishlist empty faster than the VT during a police raid
The most elegant elephant ever made – faster than a speeding bullet – how will Tony go on holiday now?
You made a lorra lorra dosh – away now to the botox labs – bring on Davina

All fair?

A photography shop assistant has described her horror at photos that allegedly showed Iraqi prisoners of war being mistreated. ‘Colonel Bob Stewart, former army officer, said: “If someone has done this then it devalues the British Army which is a great pity.

“That’s why the British Army understands that if there’s an accusation it must be rigorously pursued and proved either guilty or not guilty.’

Shame these standards don’t apply when it comes to the Deepcut investigation – 8 years and still it goes on.

“Everything for primate lovers”except a brain

This I found pretty disturbing.

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Change in the weather

Friday, May 30th, 2003

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Yawn

Thursday, May 29th, 2003



I’m in need of motivation.

After working my ass off for the last week [ weekend excepted ] I’m now in recoil mode and feeling like doing bugger all. Trouble is I have a few days off and badly need to do all kinds of stuff I won’t have time again to do for ages. Canna be bothered tho captain.

Suggestions received thus far:

•’Make a list’ [ Too thatcherite ]

•’Do a something, just anything, once you are started you’ll carry on’ [ Sounds plausible - just can't be bothered to start ]

•’Drink beer while you are doing it’ [ Liking the sound of this one but fear I may pass out in this heat ]

•’Force yourself – you’ll regret it if you waste your time’ [ This one came from a Catholic - surprisingly (not) ]

What am I to do? sigh – this didn’t help at all – all that lycra – shudder

lol

“Don’t get me wrongo: the Scribe loves Blogger, but they do suck rather badly.”

Chy

Jezza’s joke:

A man notices a sign in a pet shop window, “Talking Dog for Sale……..”

Intrigued he enters and asks the shopkeeper if he can see the dog.

“I believe you can talk” says the man. “Yep” replies the dog.

“So tell me about yourself” the man continues.

“Well,” says the dog, “I discovered I had this gift pretty young and approached the government. In no time at all I was being flown from place to place to eavesdrop on world leaders. Later I became tired of the travelling and took a job as an undercover security guard at an airport, where I thwarted a hijacking. I was given a huge reward and was able to retire” Amazed by what he’s heard the man asks the shopkeeper

“How much for the dog?” “Ten quid” comes the reply.

“But this dog is amazing” says the man “Why so cheap?”

“He’s a liar” says the pet shop owner, “He hasn’t done any of those things.”

Name that tree – the star studded final
My first is in beech but not in oak.
My second is in beech but not in Tony Blair.
My third is in beech but not in Kuwait.
My fourth is in beech but not in Eurovision.
My fifth is in beech but not in cedar.

Tonight Matthew I’m going to be a b***h.

[ No not a bitch - it's a tree remember ]

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Historic visit

Wednesday, May 28th, 2003

He quoteth himselfeth

drD 25/3/03:

Lingua bellica:

WMD = Weapons of Mass Disinformation”
“I have absolutely no doubt at all
about the existence of weapons of mass destruction”



Name that tree

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And now…..No 1:The LARCH

Tuesday, May 27th, 2003

The European LARCH Larix decidua is found in Europe and is naturalised throughout northern north America.

The sub alpine LARCH Larix lyallii is native to north-western US & south western Canada as is the western LARCH Larix occidentalis also.

All are members of the Pinaceae family – commonly known as ‘Pine’. This is the largest family of gymnosperms. They have small needle like leaves which are borne singly, or in fascicles on short shoots, spirally arranged on the stem. Pinaceae are generally evergreen and all parts are resinous and aromatic. How different the world of disinfectant would be without the fresh zingy fragrance of pine. Pine resin exudes from cuts in the needles or stem of the tree. We know that this is an ancient family partly because amber is fossilised pine resin pointing a dendrochronological finger at the anticedents of the mighty LARCH.

Pinaceae are Monoecious with small pollen (male) cones and larger seed (female) cones with spirally arranged scales. I love pine cones and own a particularly enormous one I acquired in the Southern Hemisphere [ where there are few native Pinaceae - the majority having been planted by anticedents and unclecedents as a reminder of their northern homelands ].

Surprising facts about The LARCH:

•The European LARCH, a coniferous tree, loses its needles in the autumn in a manner reminiscent of it’s deciduous cousins.

•An extract from it’s lower trunk has been found to suppress the growth of the Salmonella bacterium. Research is going on to develop a dipping solution to put this effect into use within the meat and poultry industry and also as a sink and worktop cleaner. [ Yum yum ]

•It featured heavily in Monthy Pythons Flying Circus where I was first introduced to it’s beauty and I still laugh at the never ending slideshow about: The LARCH.

Say no more

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back later…

Friday, May 23rd, 2003

Many thanks for the birthday wishes yesterday. I’m feeling a little delicate today. Thankfully I’m off for a recovery weekend so won’t be posting again until early next week – should give me time to cook up some interesting morsels…

So, if you are in the UK enjoy the bank holiday rain – further afield: enjoy whatever is currently being thrown at you…

See ya soon

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a bit of previous

Wednesday, May 21st, 2003



May 22nd

760: Halley’s Comet makes its 14th recorded perihelion passage

1665: Johann Sebastian Bach, composer, was born.

He remains master of the fiddly bits to this day

1813: Richard Wagner, composer born.

1859: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of Sherlock Holmes born.

1884: Frederic Auguste Bartholdi completes work on the Statue of Liberty.

Saw this for the first time in 2000

1906: The Wright Brothers are granted a patent for their airplane.

Saw this in 2001

1907: Laurence Olivier, actor born.

Dear dear Larry

1922: Quinn Martin, TV producer of numerous ‘Quinn Martin Productions’ was born.

Saw far too many of these

1924: Charles Aznavour, beetle eyed French singer was born.

He may be the face I can’t forget

1939: Hitler & Mussolini sign the ‘Pact of Steel’.

A lot of good it did them in the end

1946: George Best, footballer, was born.

1947: The first U.S. ballistic missile is fired.

And so began a long tradition that continues to this day

1950: Bernie Taupin, co-writer with Elton John was born.

He’s the one without the orange cat on his head

1954: Robert Zimmerman (aka Bob Dylan) is Bar Mitzvah’ed.

Every good boy deserves a feast

1954: Jerry Dammers, keyboardist, The Specials was born.

Band won’t play no more

1959: Morrissey, singer/songwriter, The Smiths was born

and Heaven knows he’s miserable now.

1962: drD, blogger, was born.

1962: George Best, footballer, signs for Manchester United.

Football and George’s liver would never be the same again

1970: Naomi Campbell, model, was born

complaining no doubt.

1972: President Nixon becomes the first U.S. President to visit Moscow.

1981: Yorkshire Ripper jailed for life.

1992: After nearly 30 years on air, Johnny Carson ends run as host of the ‘Tonight’ Show.

1998: Voters in Northern and Republic of Ireland approve the Northern Ireland peace accord.

2003: It’s true – I’m nicer now than I ever was.

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Tomorrow I'll…

Wednesday, May 21st, 2003

get up early

have a bath

wear my bestest suit

eat breakfast

drive to work while listening to the radio

do lots of information shunting, talking and thinking

eat lunch

do more information shunting, talking and thinking

drive home while listening to the radio

eat dinner

drink some champagne

become middle aged

just an ordinary day then…

…but is it?

Here’s a little game you can help me play:

Tomorrow is not just going to be an ordinary day.

I want you to suggest things I can do, say or wear.

I will try, if humanly possible to build into my day what you suggest.

Only suggestions that I can realistically achieve will be attempted – so no naked flights to Afghanistan please.

I won’t be wearing anything too shocking either [ at least at work anyway ;) ]

Put anything you care to suggest in the box below – if you do I’ll let you know on Friday how it goes.

B -1

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Meet your brother

Tuesday, May 20th, 2003



On May the 10th I wrote about the Animal Sentience site over at CWF. I was interested to read today of some new research that suggests Gorillas and Chimpanzees should be considered part of the same genus as Homo Sapiens. There is some evidence to suggest that we share 99.4% of our DNA with these apes. If you’ve ever looked into the eyes of a chimp or gorilla there’s no denying that lurch of recognition for a fellow creature obviously capable of complex thoughts and feelings. I wonder how likely it is we will act in time to prevent the extinction of many great apes which is looming perilously? I’m thinking of putting some money, time or both where my mouth is – but where to start?

I seem to have acquired a few readers more who have kindly linked to this site. Many many thanks to:

Graham, Fred, Chy and Cleophas. You’ve made an old man v.happy. If I’ve missed someone please do let me know – I’m going to update my links list soon!

B -2

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