Archive for the ‘Life sapping non entities’ Category

F off

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017


Saturday, September 16th, 2017

I’ve decided that I’m going to start randomly poking people with sticks.
On any particular day, without warning, I’ll walk up to a random stranger and poke them with a stick. Because I want to.
Then I will find out where they live and at a time of my choosing I will regularly revisit them and poke them with a stick.
Sometimes I might do this in the middle of the night. At other times I’ll do it early in the morning when they’re just waking up.
I might poke them with a stick several times in one day or for multiple days in succession or not for weeks and then suddenly I will appear again and poke them with a stick.

They might say to me “stop poking me with a stick” and I will say “OK”. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might poke me back with their own stick. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might complain to The Authorities. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.

They are perfectly free to opt out from my stick poking at any time. All they have to do is click a tiny button hidden somewhere they could easily find if they looked hard enough. Then, when they have clicked the button I will stop poking them with a stick.
Only I won’t. I’ll carry on poking then with a stick. Whenever I want.

They might write to me and threaten all kinds of consequences if I don’t stop poking them with a stick.
But I will still poke them with a stick

They didn’t ask to be poked. They don’t even know me. Or care about me. But I have chosen to poke them relentlessly and they can never stop me.

Meetings after meetings

Saturday, July 15th, 2017
  • You rock up to the meeting.
  • There is lots of moderately expensive dark suiting in the room but InfluentialPowerPerson is not wearing a jacket.
  • You spend hours trying to look interested while a succession of non-entities circulate their poorly typed reports or show you their poorly designed powerpoints.
  • You earnestly circulate your own poorly typed report, give a dull but safe ‘overview’ whilst wishing you were on a beach in Barbados.
  • The Chairdrone sums up, thanks everyone and concludes the meeting.
  • Nobody stands up.
  • People shuffle their poorly typed papers and tap on their Expensivesmartstatusgizmos.
  • They rearrange their designerpens before slowly decanting them into their man/woman/nongenderspecific bags.
  • Someone stands up, closely followed by their neighbours who all engage in chitchat.
  • On the far opposite side of the table InfluentialPowerPerson stands up and is immediately surrounded by several WannabeLadderClimberPersons.
  • They all sidle into a corner of the meeting room and mutter powerfully to each other.
  • InfluentialPowerPerson cracks a funny and all of theWannabeLadderClimberPersons guffaw excessively. It can’t be that funny becauseInfluentialPowerPerson is notoriously dull.
  • By now you have rearranged your pens and updated your Expensivesmartstatusgizmo as much as you feasibly can without looking like you are loitering with intent to join a MeetingAfterMeeting.
  • You notice anotherMeetingAfterMeeting gathering near the doorway and, just as you do InfluentialPowerPerson extricates themselves and brushes past the door MeetingAfterMeeting saying a few words to MinorPowerPerson who promises to email ImportantPowerThing later.
  • Finally you accept that nobody is going to engage you in any sort of MeetingAfterMeeting so you leave, feeling that you are missing out on something vital to your future.

New house

Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017

I’d love to hear more about your new house, more than you told me yesterday and the day before and last week too. Yes, it is so wonderful that your old house sold so quickly and yes, I can quite understand how that young couple simply adore it and want to move in as quickly as possible. Isn’t it just fab that you will be neighbours with that minor-celebrity-that nobody-has-heard-of-but-appears-regularly-on-Radio-Four. I had no idea that your new house is fully wired for ‘twenty first century broadband’. Equally I have no idea what ‘twenty first century broadband’ is and neither do you. One thing I enjoy even more than hearing about your new house is your trip to New York. Yes, it does bear repeated tellings and no, the stories of your expensive shopping trips don’t get any less fascinating with each of the twenty iterations to date. How absolutely splendid that you found just the right original artwork for your ‘very successful geologist’ son in that quirky exclusive gallery you can’t pronounce properly. Your smirks of pleasure as you tell us again about your expensive holidays make our lives that little more complete. Thankyou and go to hell.