Archive for the ‘Massive tossers’ Category


Saturday, September 16th, 2017

I’ve decided that I’m going to start randomly poking people with sticks.
On any particular day, without warning, I’ll walk up to a random stranger and poke them with a stick. Because I want to.
Then I will find out where they live and at a time of my choosing I will regularly revisit them and poke them with a stick.
Sometimes I might do this in the middle of the night. At other times I’ll do it early in the morning when they’re just waking up.
I might poke them with a stick several times in one day or for multiple days in succession or not for weeks and then suddenly I will appear again and poke them with a stick.

They might say to me “stop poking me with a stick” and I will say “OK”. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might poke me back with their own stick. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might complain to The Authorities. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.

They are perfectly free to opt out from my stick poking at any time. All they have to do is click a tiny button hidden somewhere they could easily find if they looked hard enough. Then, when they have clicked the button I will stop poking them with a stick.
Only I won’t. I’ll carry on poking then with a stick. Whenever I want.

They might write to me and threaten all kinds of consequences if I don’t stop poking them with a stick.
But I will still poke them with a stick

They didn’t ask to be poked. They don’t even know me. Or care about me. But I have chosen to poke them relentlessly and they can never stop me.

New house

Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017

I’d love to hear more about your new house, more than you told me yesterday and the day before and last week too. Yes, it is so wonderful that your old house sold so quickly and yes, I can quite understand how that young couple simply adore it and want to move in as quickly as possible. Isn’t it just fab that you will be neighbours with that minor-celebrity-that nobody-has-heard-of-but-appears-regularly-on-Radio-Four. I had no idea that your new house is fully wired for ‘twenty first century broadband’. Equally I have no idea what ‘twenty first century broadband’ is and neither do you. One thing I enjoy even more than hearing about your new house is your trip to New York. Yes, it does bear repeated tellings and no, the stories of your expensive shopping trips don’t get any less fascinating with each of the twenty iterations to date. How absolutely splendid that you found just the right original artwork for your ‘very successful geologist’ son in that quirky exclusive gallery you can’t pronounce properly. Your smirks of pleasure as you tell us again about your expensive holidays make our lives that little more complete. Thankyou and go to hell.

Perky tweet

Sunday, April 30th, 2017

You caught me by surprise. Your perky tweet hopped into my timeline with an enticing link to your YouTube review.
There you were looking all smiley in your tasteful front room being all perky and gushy. A wave of pleasure began to spread over me as you launched into some glowing praise. [Sincere head tilt] Great build up as you set the scene perkily and engagingly. I took the time to admire your Dyson fan thingy tastefully product-placed in the background. You can afford a Dyson fan and you are only twenty something with a baby and a house. Ooh. So then you stuck the knife in. [Earnest face to camera] Eighteen months of my work dismissed in a few perky seconds. You had no idea. You probably still have no idea. It was clear, on reflection, that you are ignorant. Despite what it says on your YouTube bio. And your Twitter bio. And your linkedin bio and all the other bios you’ve plastered all over the place on your Self Promotional Journey. You’re on the up and your YourTube is a sign of what is to come; watch out world! Yes, I did notice that you retweeted your review five times in the hope that I’d amplify your latest bid for Webfame. I’m waiting for the next level of passive aggression to get my attention. Will it be an email I wonder or a DM? I can imagine a DM would be your thing – more of the moment. I’ve never been summarily Vknifed before. It hurt a lot, really. But you had no idea.

Thanks for coming


Friday, April 21st, 2017

Y E S, it was AMA A A AZING. He was headhunted out of the blue. Fantastic salary, travel and car.”

Thanks for coming

President Fart

Saturday, November 12th, 2016

Aside from the slight international panic that we are at the start of The End Times – there is possibly one thing, or maybe two things which somehow seem a bit more visceral.

First. America has looked into its darkest, most unpleasant, most revolting corner. It has picked up that mouldy breadroll from the split rubbish bag and it has eaten it quietly, hoping that passers-by will understand that it is really very hungry and has nowhere else to turn. Yes, it’s digusting, yes they’re a bit ashamed, yes, they did notice that dog splash the bag a few minutes earlier. BUT THEY DON”T CARE!
They need that bread. It’ll make them sick, but it’ll fill the gnawing hunger for a while and they can hope for something better down the line.

Second. The realisation that ultimately it really does appear to be about money and if you have money you can be as revolting as you like and you still get to walk into that power office and sit there lording it, knowing that you have played as dirty as you can and you have won. Forget nobility, forget public service, forget altruism, forget being nice. It’s about being greedy, ruthless and as nasty as you like.


Monday, September 21st, 2015

Air morons

Thursday, September 10th, 2015
When your plane catches fire – here’s humanity at its worst.

“I keep all my most important items in my carry-on bag. It would be extremely damaging to my business if I lost it. So yes, I would TRY to get my bag off the plane as I was leaving — but ONLY IF it was possible to do so without blocking anyone else or otherwise impeding the evacuation.
Josh Light, Santa Barbara, USA”
Because your business is more important than other people eh Josh – moron.

“My hand luggage usually contains my medication, my girlfriend has her inhaler in hers. Leaving either behind could cause a further medical emergency.
Phil Hide”
As long as you and your girlfriend are OK Phil, that’s all that matters eh? Selfish moron.

“Damn right I would take my hand luggage. My passport would be in there, all my contacts and insurance documents too. Without which I’m stuffed and potentially trapped if the plane burns to a crisp.
Gary Sanders, Brighton, UK”
Not as stuffed as you would be if you meet a fellow moron in front of you who stops you getting off the plane in time Gary.

“Of course I’d take my bag with me if I left the plane. I have it with me under the seat in front, and it takes precisely no extra time for me to take it with me.
Quentin, London.”
You’re wrong Quentin. Let’s hope I’m in front of you in the evacuation queue. Moron.

Middle class morons: no2

Sunday, August 30th, 2015

Middle class morons: no1

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012