Archive for the ‘Hell in a handcart’ Category

Middle class morons: no2

Sunday, August 30th, 2015

Middle class morons: no1

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Farewell hell

Monday, February 20th, 2012

Dear Client from Hell,

So you finally realised after two months that I was not going to return your calls.  This was mainly due to your previously having asked me to do that ultra-urgent job overnight and then telling me the next morning that you would not pay for it because you had found someone to do it free. Now you have written to say that I am sacked from your prestigious project / empire / total f**k up of an operation.

We go back a few years.  I kept the bounced cheque you sent me in payment for the first ultra-urgent project. It is next to the photo of you with the dart in it that I pinned up after you told me that I wasn’t really much good at my job but that I was not to be offended.  Now I will add these to your final email and will place all of them in a rusty metal bucket into which I will urinate at a time of my choosing before setting fire to everything and scattering the ashes like a man released from hell.

I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure.
But I can’t.


PS:  Good luck to your new Victim Contractor, I googled him – interesting history of criminal activity.  I’m sure you’ll get on very well together.
Ciao !

Tedious linguistic clichés of the moment

Sunday, October 9th, 2011

I’m growing tired of hearing so many people who can’t speak normally any more. They pepper their speech with stock, media-derived phrases which are glued clumsily together into cliché-ridden sentences. The glue is usually the word ‘like’. The filling is comprised of a mix of standard English, spoken in a pseudo-Jamaican accent with the following seasonings:

‘For free’, ‘Awesome’, ‘Massive thankyou’, ‘You / guys’, ‘Fantastic’, ‘Legend’, ‘Oh my days’, ‘My bad’, ‘It’s a big ask”.

I wish they’d all just bugger orf and get some elocution lessons innit?


Friday, April 29th, 2011
In April’s early morn

uniformed splendour is borne

upon the backs of numerous horses

through London streets troop loyal forces

in tribute to the royal pair

as “Commoner Kate” weds the Heir

all eyes will focus on the passing parade

as on this day a new Princess is made

across the land hearts will rejoice

as in the Abbey we hear his voice

as Will says “I will”

and Kate looks pure

we can be sure

when it is born

it’ll have those teeth

Quick! build a new tube system

Friday, April 15th, 2011

It didn’t take a genius to predict that London’s creaking tube system would prove the weak link in the London 2012 infrastructure. Now the bleating has begun – see above. The system has been underinvested and poorly managed for years and years. Symbolic of this is the ceiling in one of the tunnels of a station I regularly visit. The ceiling has been under repair for some time. Six months?, a year? No. Over seventeen years. Yes, seventeen years I have been walking under that ceiling patched up with chicken wire that has the ‘temporary’ lighting hanging down. All over the tube there are similar botched up repairs ‘underway’. The fact that the system runs as well as it does is testament to the dedication of the hard pressed staff and the even harder pressed passengers who daily endure manky stations and trains, delays and overcrowding. What was once the pride of London and a beacon of modern efficiency to the world is now a shambling shadow of its former glory. We can write the 2012 headlines now can’t we? All that’s needed to complete the teetering timebomb will be a well timed Olympic strike from the ongoingly aggrieved LT staff.

Mind the gap.

Western leaders !

Saturday, March 19th, 2011

Home political scene looking a bit fractious?

Why not create a handy distraction by bombing one of those far away countries that nobody knows the location of.

Never mind if innocent people get blown up.

You can call it a victory for democracy !

© G.Bush I&II, B.Clinton, J.Carter, G.Ford, R.Nixon, T.Blair, G.Brown, J.Major, M.Thatcher etc etc etc

Labour Leadership Election

Saturday, September 25th, 2010

With just over 3 hours until the new leader of the Labour Party is revealed it’s time for a little media analysis of the imagery used to represent the candidates to the electorate. First we have the group shot.

Labour leadership candidates

Looking like a collective of office drones on an awayday to the ‘Getting results from your Ringbinders in the 21st Century’ conference they gaze out uninspiringly. Burnham and Miliband, D protecting their parts, Diane glowing mumsily, Ed Balls not protecting his and Ed Miliband like a newly promoted office junior edging into the shot apologetically. This is supposed to be Labour projecting potential future prime ministers for us to choose from. Right.

Next, Labour decide to go all reportage and do a monochrome Power Slideshow of the candidates on the front page of their website as the nailbiting countdown to the Leadership Election result progresses (5 month countdown – gawd). So, rather than commission some suitably grave looking photographs (the nation and the party are in crisis remember) they decide to go Raw with a selection of bizarre portraits that send  enough mixed messages to be worthy of the Kenwood Chef Award.

Diane Abbot Here’s Diane looking like the love child of Lorraine Kelly, Dawn French and Lenny Henry. Sorry Diane, this is not saying ‘Prime Minister Diane Abbott’. Why did you let them use this photo? Have you not heard of Image Management Diane? Er, oh yes, you sent your son to a private school.
David Milliband David Miliband squinting into the future. It’s so bright he can barely open his eyes wide enough to look at it. From the Paddy Ashdown Book of Action Man Poses, DM is in need of a decent haircut, a jacket, a properly tied tie and some sedatives to cure him of that wild eyed Tigger thing he does when interviewed. Bright, smiley and ever so slightly Tonyblair, he somehow seems as mad as TB but not nearly as convincing. Or maybe we’re now just wise after being involved in World War 3 since electing the Toothsome One three times in a row. If DM gets the job, I’m officially worried.
Ed Milliband Doh! Godhelpus. I can only guess that David’s henchpeople chose this one. Never has such a dorky brainless looking photo been used to ‘promote’ a politician. Sure, there are plenty of off-guard shots used to make people like Bush Jr look even more stupid than they are (is that possible?) but here we have a supposedly serious political party supposedly showing off one of its brightest and best. At the time of writing Ed is favourite to win. If he does I hope he gets revenge on whoever published this. Truly moronic. And the Picture Editor is not too clever either.
Ed Balls Sweaty forehead, called Mr Balls, close friend of Gordon Brown. Some people have greatness thrust upon them. Others employ someone who knows how to use Photoshop. No chance.
Andy Burnham Of all the shots, this one is probably the best in terms of projecting some kind of vision and authority. Which is what you want from a political leader. Andy Burnham, when interviewed, always seems too young to be taken seriously yet somehow too old to be thought of as a youthful leader; which is what the Nation seems to want these days. Maybe it’s his northern accent. However, he’s probably the most photogenic of the five (the eyes convey just enough vulnerable twinkliness to endear him to the X Factor Generation) and this photo does a good job of making him look dynamic and friendly, yet with just enough crows-feet gravitas to come across as PM material. All of which serves no purpose whatsoever as a Miliband is going to win. Sigh. I blame Thatcher.


Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Pope on a rope

Another blow to my Pre-Papal-Vist-Prep is the news that Pope on a rope is ‘no longer available’ – drat.  With what am I now to cleanse my sinful soul and wash away unwanted  evil?  Maybe I’ll need to put in a special order for a bulk pack of Ratzinger.