Mr Sean Hughes has died. He was great and I am sad.

October 16th, 2017

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Sean's Phone

I wonder..

October 7th, 2017

Are there any Catalans that shop at Matalan?

F off

October 4th, 2017

Poke

September 16th, 2017

I’ve decided that I’m going to start randomly poking people with sticks.
On any particular day, without warning, I’ll walk up to a random stranger and poke them with a stick. Because I want to.
Then I will find out where they live and at a time of my choosing I will regularly revisit them and poke them with a stick.
Sometimes I might do this in the middle of the night. At other times I’ll do it early in the morning when they’re just waking up.
I might poke them with a stick several times in one day or for multiple days in succession or not for weeks and then suddenly I will appear again and poke them with a stick.

They might say to me “stop poking me with a stick” and I will say “OK”. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might poke me back with their own stick. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.
They might complain to The Authorities. But I will still poke them with a stick. Whenever I choose to.

They are perfectly free to opt out from my stick poking at any time. All they have to do is click a tiny button hidden somewhere they could easily find if they looked hard enough. Then, when they have clicked the button I will stop poking them with a stick.
Only I won’t. I’ll carry on poking then with a stick. Whenever I want.

They might write to me and threaten all kinds of consequences if I don’t stop poking them with a stick.
But I will still poke them with a stick

They didn’t ask to be poked. They don’t even know me. Or care about me. But I have chosen to poke them relentlessly and they can never stop me.

The click of death

August 26th, 2017

“Please submit your meter reading”, said the insistent email from Faceless Autobot Utility Corp ( “We save you money by having no staff” ).

I opened the dimly lit meter cupboard to inspect the ticking box and scribbled the reading onto the back of an envelope. Logging on to the Faceless Autobot Utility Corp ‘Customer Service Portal’; [ ie: a poorly designed, cheap looking website ] I entered the reading which was swiftly rejected as being ‘error in submissino’. Suspecting a technical glitch I refreshed the page, logged in again and re-entered the reading. ‘Error in submissino’. I decided on a whim to enter ‘error in submissino’ into Google Translate which actually translated it correctly. Those clever Googlies. Looking closely at the back of the envelope and the last reading on screen from sixth months earlier I realised that they were identical. My brain began to hurt. I returned to the cupboard and double checked the reading then looked again at the screen. Both readings were clearly the same. Instantly I realised that the new, but now familiar, click I had first heard several months earlier probably indicated that the meter was broken.
[ To be continued. ]

Jerry Lewis

August 20th, 2017

Remembering when I watched Jerry Lewis in a 60s film and laughed so much and so carelessly that I ached. Intensifies the sadness in hearing he has gone.

Hipster hounds

August 19th, 2017

Signs that there are probably people who have far too much money.
No 3837:

Quilted

July 23rd, 2017

You know it is time to review your mailing list preferences when you receive an email inviting you to buy this.

Park life

July 18th, 2017

A walk through Hyde Park earlier and an encounter with the latest fitness fad. A phalanx of sweaty runners accompanied by topless ‘trainers’ (also sweaty) carrying tinny portable speakers blaring out crappy ‘inspirational musak’. This I presume to motivate their victims to ever more perspirational efforts as they pound relentlessly around the byways intimidating lumpen bloggers into the undergrowth for fear of being trampled.

No wonder we lost The Empire.

Meetings after meetings

July 15th, 2017
  • You rock up to the meeting.
  • There is lots of moderately expensive dark suiting in the room but InfluentialPowerPerson is not wearing a jacket.
  • You spend hours trying to look interested while a succession of non-entities circulate their poorly typed reports or show you their poorly designed powerpoints.
  • You earnestly circulate your own poorly typed report, give a dull but safe ‘overview’ whilst wishing you were on a beach in Barbados.
  • The Chairdrone sums up, thanks everyone and concludes the meeting.
  • Nobody stands up.
  • People shuffle their poorly typed papers and tap on their Expensivesmartstatusgizmos.
  • They rearrange their designerpens before slowly decanting them into their man/woman/nongenderspecific bags.
  • Someone stands up, closely followed by their neighbours who all engage in chitchat.
  • On the far opposite side of the table InfluentialPowerPerson stands up and is immediately surrounded by several WannabeLadderClimberPersons.
  • They all sidle into a corner of the meeting room and mutter powerfully to each other.
  • InfluentialPowerPerson cracks a funny and all of theWannabeLadderClimberPersons guffaw excessively. It can’t be that funny becauseInfluentialPowerPerson is notoriously dull.
  • By now you have rearranged your pens and updated your Expensivesmartstatusgizmo as much as you feasibly can without looking like you are loitering with intent to join a MeetingAfterMeeting.
  • You notice anotherMeetingAfterMeeting gathering near the doorway and, just as you do InfluentialPowerPerson extricates themselves and brushes past the door MeetingAfterMeeting saying a few words to MinorPowerPerson who promises to email ImportantPowerThing later.
  • Finally you accept that nobody is going to engage you in any sort of MeetingAfterMeeting so you leave, feeling that you are missing out on something vital to your future.