Sunday, December 31, 2006
On the 1st January 2006 I made ten predictions about the coming year. Now that we have reached the end of the year then it's time to see how I did.
Prediction number 1: There will be bad publicity for Mr D. Tennant for some un-Doctor like behaviour.
Actuality: Nothing too bad really - though a current rumour is bad news, depending on your viewpoint.
Accuracy of prediction: Somewhere off-planet
Prediction number 2: The US will be confronted unpleasantly with the realities of global warming.
Actuality: Not a lot strong contenders for this one but there appears to be a growing acceptance stateside that global warming is a reality. Perhaps one of the most significant official moves, which seems to imply governmental acceptance of the effects of climate change, is the recent proposed listing of polar bears as a threatened species because of declining Arctic ice levels.
Accuracy of prediction: Lukewarm
Prediction number 3: There will be a royal scandal.
Actuality: In August it was reported that the Royal Voicemail had been illegitimately accessed by tabloid journalists. Apparently, the technique used is quite widely known and most people do not protect their voicemail boxes and are thus vulnerable to this form of hacking. Oh what fun awaits.
Accuracy of prediction: Royal flush
Prediction number 4: July will be very hot in the UK.
Actuality: UK July temperatures were at a record high; a 95 year record was broken on the 19th July with a reading of 36.5°c at Wisley.
Accuracy of prediction: Sizzling
Prediction number 5: A famous animal will expire.
Actuality: Desert Orchid carked it in November. This is the first obituary I've ever seen for a horse.
Accuracy of prediction: Evens
Prediction number 6: A member of Take That will suffer from 'exhaustion'.
Actuality: If only I had used 'former' as my second word then I'd have been spot on with this one.
Accuracy of prediction: I was Robbied
Prediction number 7: Tony Blair will still be prime minister in December.
Actuality: It all looked a bit shaky from early in the year, culminating in an autumnal near-meltdown. However, there was life in the old dog and not a dry seat in the house when he gave his 'farewell speech' to the Labour Conference in September. This has to be one of the longest farewells in history as he's still here - or rather he's sunning himself in Miami. [ Bastard ].
Accuracy of prediction: Number 10 out of 10
Prediction number 8: Something really exciting and positive will happen to me.
Actuality: Well, it's been a pretty good year. When I wrote this particular prediction, though, I was envisaging something unexpected. Sadly, I can't think of a single thing that would fit this description. Ah well, maybe next year.
Accuracy of prediction: Nul pwan.
Prediction number 9: An unexpected happening of national note will occur on the South Coast of England.
Actuality: I've struggled with this one. The biggest story I could find, if I'm being strictly coastal, is the closure of Hastings Pier in East Sussex after it was deemed to be unsafe by the borough council. [ Contain yourselves ]
However, five miles from the Sussex coast lies the town of Lewes and earlier this month there was a massive explosion at a fireworks factory which definitely did hit the headlines.
Accuracy of prediction: Almost explosive
Prediction number 10: Shayne X Factor will join Gareth, Michelle and Steve in the Simon Cowell Secure Wheely Bin For Discarded Things That Make No Money.
Actuality: According to Shayne's website, "2006 has been an absolutely phenomenal year for Shayne. After celebrating a record breaking Christmas no 1 last year, he has gone on to achieve global success with his chart topping debut album and huge concerts around the world."
Shayne's tour ends in Feb '07 and he's due to produce a new album sometime during the year. Looks like I've been a bit premature about this one. [ Story of my life ].
Accuracy of prediction: factor Z
So I got about 50% correct, which is not bad in my view.
How did you do?
I also invited readers to make their own predictions and received 35 additional predictions including,
"England will do remarkably well at the World Cup and the nation and its expats shall experience Svenitus."
"BBC and ITV will do the honourable thing and cancel Strictly Come Dancing and X-Factor respectively."
"Prince Phillip will die and the Queen may abdicate."
So now's the time to evaluate your own predictions - were you right?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Prediction number 1: There will be bad publicity for Mr D. Tennant for some un-Doctor like behaviour.
Actuality: Nothing too bad really - though a current rumour is bad news, depending on your viewpoint.
Accuracy of prediction: Somewhere off-planet
Prediction number 2: The US will be confronted unpleasantly with the realities of global warming.
Actuality: Not a lot strong contenders for this one but there appears to be a growing acceptance stateside that global warming is a reality. Perhaps one of the most significant official moves, which seems to imply governmental acceptance of the effects of climate change, is the recent proposed listing of polar bears as a threatened species because of declining Arctic ice levels.
Accuracy of prediction: Lukewarm
Prediction number 3: There will be a royal scandal.
Actuality: In August it was reported that the Royal Voicemail had been illegitimately accessed by tabloid journalists. Apparently, the technique used is quite widely known and most people do not protect their voicemail boxes and are thus vulnerable to this form of hacking. Oh what fun awaits.
Accuracy of prediction: Royal flush
Prediction number 4: July will be very hot in the UK.
Actuality: UK July temperatures were at a record high; a 95 year record was broken on the 19th July with a reading of 36.5°c at Wisley.
Accuracy of prediction: Sizzling
Prediction number 5: A famous animal will expire.
Actuality: Desert Orchid carked it in November. This is the first obituary I've ever seen for a horse.
Accuracy of prediction: Evens
Prediction number 6: A member of Take That will suffer from 'exhaustion'.
Actuality: If only I had used 'former' as my second word then I'd have been spot on with this one.
Accuracy of prediction: I was Robbied
Prediction number 7: Tony Blair will still be prime minister in December.
Actuality: It all looked a bit shaky from early in the year, culminating in an autumnal near-meltdown. However, there was life in the old dog and not a dry seat in the house when he gave his 'farewell speech' to the Labour Conference in September. This has to be one of the longest farewells in history as he's still here - or rather he's sunning himself in Miami. [ Bastard ].
Accuracy of prediction: Number 10 out of 10
Prediction number 8: Something really exciting and positive will happen to me.
Actuality: Well, it's been a pretty good year. When I wrote this particular prediction, though, I was envisaging something unexpected. Sadly, I can't think of a single thing that would fit this description. Ah well, maybe next year.
Accuracy of prediction: Nul pwan.
Prediction number 9: An unexpected happening of national note will occur on the South Coast of England.
Actuality: I've struggled with this one. The biggest story I could find, if I'm being strictly coastal, is the closure of Hastings Pier in East Sussex after it was deemed to be unsafe by the borough council. [ Contain yourselves ]
However, five miles from the Sussex coast lies the town of Lewes and earlier this month there was a massive explosion at a fireworks factory which definitely did hit the headlines.
Accuracy of prediction: Almost explosive
Prediction number 10: Shayne X Factor will join Gareth, Michelle and Steve in the Simon Cowell Secure Wheely Bin For Discarded Things That Make No Money.
Actuality: According to Shayne's website, "2006 has been an absolutely phenomenal year for Shayne. After celebrating a record breaking Christmas no 1 last year, he has gone on to achieve global success with his chart topping debut album and huge concerts around the world."
Shayne's tour ends in Feb '07 and he's due to produce a new album sometime during the year. Looks like I've been a bit premature about this one. [ Story of my life ].
Accuracy of prediction: factor Z
So I got about 50% correct, which is not bad in my view.
How did you do?
I also invited readers to make their own predictions and received 35 additional predictions including,
"England will do remarkably well at the World Cup and the nation and its expats shall experience Svenitus."
"BBC and ITV will do the honourable thing and cancel Strictly Come Dancing and X-Factor respectively."
"Prince Phillip will die and the Queen may abdicate."
So now's the time to evaluate your own predictions - were you right?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Saturday, December 30, 2006
 Western Hemisphere Recruitment Inc Unique opportunity ! Bluff ! Bravado ! Conspicuous Consumption ! Indiscriminate Oppression and Cruelty ! Death Wish ! If this sounds like you we want to hear from you. Following the successful vertical realignment of the previous postholder a vacancy has arisen in our Middle East division for a General Bogeyman / Pariah. This is a key role underpinning the international arms, media and novelty face mask industries. The successful candidate will be skilled in attracting derision, bile and condemnation from the key client group: genitally challenged western politicians (GCWP). You will achieve this through a mix of crude violence ( both in house and in selected foreign territories ), regular taunting via Al Jazeera TV and megalomaniacal personality cultism ( lapel badges will be provided to the appointee ). You should be experienced in dysfunctional diplomacy, indiscretion, public use of frightening looking guns, cigar smoking and instilling fear into small children. It is likely that you will have several years experience in a senior villainy position in a dubious organisation, previously unknown. ( A list of choices is available upon application to the CIA ). Language skills are vital, you must sound foreign and need an interpreter so that we can make up scary stories with the voiceovers. A large moustache is preferred, especially if you are female. Your name should be too long for TV name banners and have add on bits to confuse people. Salary is dependent on experience and is subject to an annual 'hate rating' derived from: negative media headlines, diversionary speech opportunities for GCWP and frequency of caricature videos on YouTube. A special one-off War Starter Bonus is payable when we invade / bomb to stone age. Contract length depends on your continued success as a loose wheelnut on the axle of evil. Don't hang around - apply now! |
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:25 PM
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Miami top 30
1. You win again
2. Don't let it happen again
3. Every day I have to cry
4. He's a liar
5. If only only I had my mind on something else
6. Exit
7. Giving up the ghost
8. Guilty
9. House of Lords
10. I've gotta get a message to you
11. Letting go
12. Life goes on
13. A man for all seasons
14. Misunderstood
15. Please lock me away
16. Promise the earth
17. Sacred trust
18. Saying goodbye
19. We lost the road
20. Smoke and mirrors
21. Swan song
22. Wind of change
23. Temptation
24. Tint of blue
25. Treacle Brown
26. Up the revolution
27. Shape of things to come
28. Soldiers
29. Stayin alive
30. When he's gone
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:25 PM
Boxed off1. You win again
2. Don't let it happen again
3. Every day I have to cry
4. He's a liar
5. If only only I had my mind on something else
6. Exit
7. Giving up the ghost
8. Guilty
9. House of Lords
10. I've gotta get a message to you
11. Letting go
12. Life goes on
13. A man for all seasons
14. Misunderstood
15. Please lock me away
16. Promise the earth
17. Sacred trust
18. Saying goodbye
19. We lost the road
20. Smoke and mirrors
21. Swan song
22. Wind of change
23. Temptation
24. Tint of blue
25. Treacle Brown
26. Up the revolution
27. Shape of things to come
28. Soldiers
29. Stayin alive
30. When he's gone
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:25 PM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Bad old Saddam last appeared on the Feast of Stephen
When the sentence was confirmed Bush and Blair got even
Brightly shone the stocks that day though his fate was cruel
When the oil firms came in sight gathering high grade fuel
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Happy ChristmasWhen the sentence was confirmed Bush and Blair got even
Brightly shone the stocks that day though his fate was cruel
When the oil firms came in sight gathering high grade fuel
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Monday, December 25, 2006
I took this photo on Lanzarote at Christmas a couple of years ago.
It's a perky little succulent bursting forth in winter sunshine from unpromising stony black volcanic soil. [ Metaphorical? moi? ]
Wishing you a succulent and perky Christmas. Whatever you do, do it with a glad heart - remember, you could be working on emergency callout for komodocolonic.com. That's far worse than listening to Aunty Gladys' stories about knitting now isn't it?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:52 AM
Saturday, December 23, 2006
At last the oppressive fog blanket has blown off into the ether. Out in the garden earlier. Cutting great hanging lengths of ivy to make Christmas wreaths. The fresh green and white singing out at me. It was cold and the leaves were dripping with moisture, the ground was slimy underfoot. But I felt a bit connected. It's all a bit quiet round here at the moment. People locked up in their boxes, watching their boxes or wrapping their boxes. Lights on, curtains drawn, boilers pumping out steam and CO2 into the grey air. So it was as though I was the only one outside, quietly snip snipping and thinking. About it all. And this annual thing we do. And as I cut and laid out the lengths of ivy, there glowing at the end of the garden, against the gathering gloom, a bunch of rosehips all glossy and crimson - last blush of distant summer sunshine stored up just for me.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:42 PM
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:42 PM
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Quick question
Is New Blogger any better than New Labour?
Will there, for example, come a time when non-existent bugs of mass destruction will fail to obliterate my archives and I will become the pariah of the right thinking liberal western hemisphere? Just asking like.
Bashed in teeth and split lip agogo
Via the slimevine I learn that someone - who
a. Caused me immense grief in the past.
b. Has been frequently rude to my face.
c. Incited others to do likewise and
d. Been calculatedly evil in their actions toward me - has suffered an especially painful and temporarily disfiguring facial injury just in time for chrimbo.
Would it be 1. Evil or 2. Understandable to purr inwardly with pleasure in karmic appreciation of theirPunishment sad misfortune?
Do you now see how Catholicism has warped my mind?
Cheap clothing at Tesco?
Read this first.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:29 PM
Weekend paranoiaIs New Blogger any better than New Labour?
Will there, for example, come a time when non-existent bugs of mass destruction will fail to obliterate my archives and I will become the pariah of the right thinking liberal western hemisphere? Just asking like.
Bashed in teeth and split lip agogo
Via the slimevine I learn that someone - who
a. Caused me immense grief in the past.
b. Has been frequently rude to my face.
c. Incited others to do likewise and
d. Been calculatedly evil in their actions toward me - has suffered an especially painful and temporarily disfiguring facial injury just in time for chrimbo.
Would it be 1. Evil or 2. Understandable to purr inwardly with pleasure in karmic appreciation of their
Do you now see how Catholicism has warped my mind?
Cheap clothing at Tesco?
Read this first.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:29 PM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Back in July I posed a few questions following the plan to computerise UK medical records. Knowing how easy it is for information to leak out of supposedly secure databases I don't want to have anything to do with this system. I don't trust computer systems. Only today, it's emerged that up to 700,000 people may be adversely affected by an Inland Revenue computer cock up. Our vulnerability to infrastructure dependency is also highlighted by the mayhem caused today in Birmingham by the loss of a single power substation. Is it inconceivable that simultaneous malicious targeting of power or data infrastructures might occur? After all, this is the first thing that the US and UK did in the Iraq invasion. So, to an 'enemy' it's a logical first move. So what will happen to our vital medical records if such infrastructure damage occurs? What's to stop, too, medical data being acquired by those who'll misuse it in any number of ways? The plans announced today have received various interpretations. Some commentators suggest that patients will be given an easy opt-out of the system. Others, that one would have to prove that the system would cause them 'substantial mental distress' to be exempted. The exact nature of the system remains cloudy. One thing is clear to me. Alongside the creeping 'identity card culture', more and more detailed personal information is being collected on government databases. Any illusion of privacy is being stealthily and steadily removed.
I'm wondering
...whilst we're on the subject of privacy, why was US intelligence bugging Princess Diana's phone conversations during the period leading up to her death? Why has so little fuss been made about this and the questions it raises for us all?
...also, how is it possible to get on board an aircraft, either originating or destined for the UK, carrying radioactive material? You would think that if 'security' can detect a nail file in your underpants from sixty feet away they might be able to pick up the odd stream of gamma rays coming out of your handbag now wouldn't you?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:31 PM
RoundupI'm wondering
...whilst we're on the subject of privacy, why was US intelligence bugging Princess Diana's phone conversations during the period leading up to her death? Why has so little fuss been made about this and the questions it raises for us all?
...also, how is it possible to get on board an aircraft, either originating or destined for the UK, carrying radioactive material? You would think that if 'security' can detect a nail file in your underpants from sixty feet away they might be able to pick up the odd stream of gamma rays coming out of your handbag now wouldn't you?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:31 PM
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Why don't you read
About pushbutton cheese.
About when recycling gets out of control.
A yuletide reappraisal of Gary Glitter.
Pervy postulations on Chav culture from Drub.
An argument for bloggistic minimalism from Anna.
Middle class controversy for the Radio 4 generation.
Sobering thoughts from a recovering chaffinch.
Too much information from da geezer.
...or just look at some brilliant pictures.
Linkage
From Damo - thankyoumuchly Sir.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:02 PM
About pushbutton cheese. About when recycling gets out of control. A yuletide reappraisal of Gary Glitter. Pervy postulations on Chav culture from Drub. An argument for bloggistic minimalism from Anna. Middle class controversy for the Radio 4 generation. Sobering thoughts from a recovering chaffinch. Too much information from da geezer....or just look at some brilliant pictures.
Linkage
From Damo - thankyoumuchly Sir.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:02 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Unfortunately named spokespersons on the benefits of circumcision: no 1
Dr Kevin De Cock.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:47 PM
Dr Kevin De Cock.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:47 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
Sick?
We all love a good serial killer saga - discuss.
Never knew
..there were 80,000 separate species, alone, along the Mid-Atlantic ridge.
Marvellous slideshow which confirms how little we still know of life on earth.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:48 PM
We all love a good serial killer saga - discuss.
Never knew
..there were 80,000 separate species, alone, along the Mid-Atlantic ridge.
Marvellous slideshow which confirms how little we still know of life on earth.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:48 PM
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Funbundle
Looking forward to Chrissy?
Stoppit immediately. Don't you know we're at imminent risk of attack?
Be on your guard. Look out for strange looking strangers doing strange things in your neighbourhood. That frail old man staggering along the street with what looks like a heavy bag of cut price TJ Maxx acrylic legwarmers for the granddaughters is probably a heavily disguised insurgent en route to annihilate half the neighbourhood. That fresh faced innocent looking, carefree 'Youngmum' [© The Scum] wheeling her screaming bratbuggy across the road is probably packing semtex in the wheels destined to demolish an unsuspecting council block just when you least expect it. See those schoolchildren skipping along? Polonium ponies - just off to irradiate a granny. Trust nobody. If in doubt, DO NOT offer them a seasonal welcoming cup of mulled wine avec Asda mince pie [ 3 for 2 on Tuesdays for OAPs ] - call the police immediately. DO NOT engage them in merry banter about the dark / cold / wet / passing tornado - call the police immediately. DO NOT twitch your net curtains, thus alerting them that they have been good n rumbled Mrs Atkins - call the police immediately. Be assured, an armed response unit will be gunning them down without mercy before you can say PeaceonEarthAndGoodwillToAllNonGenderSpecificUniqueIndividuals.
I thought it best to tell you.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:04 PM
Saturday, December 09, 2006
The large fish I saw swimming down the River Arno from the Ufizzi window? The two girls that we gave our lettuce to at Wastwater? The fox I saw basking in the sun on the railway embankment outside Sheffield? The old git who scowled at me in the bar in Malaga? The flatulent bore I sat next to for five hours on a flight to Bahrain? My best mate at college? The screw top of my pepper mill? All the ½p pieces we used to have? My friend Blanche, last heard of en route to New Zealand? Scan & Pack at Sainsburys?freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Friday, December 08, 2006
S Factor
Apparently Ms Osbourne posts her poo to critics.
2. I thought this was illegal.
2. I think she's got a problem.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:07 PM
Apparently Ms Osbourne posts her poo to critics.
2. I thought this was illegal.
2. I think she's got a problem.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:07 PM
Darktime© decorations:
Policy Statement
Thursday, December 07, 2006
As we move into the darkest time of the year, our essentially Anglo-Saxo-Celtic heritage may blind us to the modern reality that what was appropriate in past times may no longer be so. As this blog is fully committed to a poly-ethnic collective consciousness and pan-cultural sensitivity, we believe that it would be inappropriate to display any symbols which might injure the delicate sensibilities of any man woman or beast. We have therefore decided that, this year, only a single golden bauble of love will adorn this page during the Darktime©. Let us unite around the bauble and bask in it's golden glow. It offers us hope for the future time of drinking ourselves stupid in the gullet stuffing noshfest which approacheth.
Please wash your hands and dress modestly after leaving this blog.
That is all.
[ Darktime is © drD expungoreligiomatic enterprises plc ]
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:47 PM
Balonium 247: Your questions answeredPlease wash your hands and dress modestly after leaving this blog.
That is all.
[ Darktime is © drD expungoreligiomatic enterprises plc ]
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:47 PM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Q: What is Balonium 247?
A: Balonium 247 is an artificially produced gas which is all-pervasive in today's fast moving, so called 'info-web age'. It is colourless, odourless and extremely tasteless.
Q: Where is Balonium 247 found?
A: Especially high concentrations are emitted from sources such as BBC News 24, George Michael, government press offices, performance management manuals, Mohammed Al Fayed, Andrew Neil, David Cameron, middle managers, Michael Portillo, Lord St John of Fawning, Princess Wilhemina von Blitzkrieg, Tim Westwood, Westlife, Simon Cowell, George W. Bushytail, Five Star, Randy Jackson, Griff Rhys-Jones, Dawn French and the entire cast of everything that she has ever appeared in, ITV Play, Virgin Radio, Richard Branson and 98% of the 72 million wannabes that auditioned for X Factor.
Q: How will I know if Balonium 247 is in da house?
A: You may find that your eyes glaze over. You may feel lacking in energy; immobilised on the sofa clutching a remote control and drooling. You may find Kerry Katatonia attractive. You will lose the will to live and have a strange craving for Pot Noodle.
Q: What should I do if I am exposed to Balonium 247?
A: Most of the effects can be neutralised by setting up a simple one mile exclusion zone around emission sources. You may find that it is more convenient to dump your telly in a nearby canal. On no account call NHS Direct after 10am - they're closed due to government cutbacks.
Q: Is there any cure?
A: There is no short term cure on the horizon. Sadly, the problem looks set to increase. Your only hope is to become an astronaut and live on the moon in 2020. [ Though arranging a mortgage could prove tricky and your habitation pod may be repossessed resulting in your implosion ].
Q: What should I do next?
A: Have a nice cup of tea, a sit down and watch that DVD of Lord St John of Fawning on the history of government press releases about George Michael.
Gas
American airline emissions reach criticality - she's gonna blow Captain - strike a light.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
An inspector callsA: Balonium 247 is an artificially produced gas which is all-pervasive in today's fast moving, so called 'info-web age'. It is colourless, odourless and extremely tasteless.
Q: Where is Balonium 247 found?
A: Especially high concentrations are emitted from sources such as BBC News 24, George Michael, government press offices, performance management manuals, Mohammed Al Fayed, Andrew Neil, David Cameron, middle managers, Michael Portillo, Lord St John of Fawning, Princess Wilhemina von Blitzkrieg, Tim Westwood, Westlife, Simon Cowell, George W. Bushytail, Five Star, Randy Jackson, Griff Rhys-Jones, Dawn French and the entire cast of everything that she has ever appeared in, ITV Play, Virgin Radio, Richard Branson and 98% of the 72 million wannabes that auditioned for X Factor.
Q: How will I know if Balonium 247 is in da house?
A: You may find that your eyes glaze over. You may feel lacking in energy; immobilised on the sofa clutching a remote control and drooling. You may find Kerry Katatonia attractive. You will lose the will to live and have a strange craving for Pot Noodle.
Q: What should I do if I am exposed to Balonium 247?
A: Most of the effects can be neutralised by setting up a simple one mile exclusion zone around emission sources. You may find that it is more convenient to dump your telly in a nearby canal. On no account call NHS Direct after 10am - they're closed due to government cutbacks.
Q: Is there any cure?
A: There is no short term cure on the horizon. Sadly, the problem looks set to increase. Your only hope is to become an astronaut and live on the moon in 2020. [ Though arranging a mortgage could prove tricky and your habitation pod may be repossessed resulting in your implosion ].
Q: What should I do next?
A: Have a nice cup of tea, a sit down and watch that DVD of Lord St John of Fawning on the history of government press releases about George Michael.
Gas
American airline emissions reach criticality - she's gonna blow Captain - strike a light.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Monday, December 04, 2006
Ms Posteriou has spent the day being accompanied by Inspector Polypocket throughout her daily duties. This has been fascinating to watch as the daily duties are, today, somehow different to the usual ones. They have a new gloss, a certain verve and are described to Inspector P in a running commentary delivered in low tones designed to impress. To impart gravitas.
Inspector P has been charged to probe Ms Posteriou on her performance across a range of vital criteria, each of which is detailed at length on his Proforma of Power. I note that Inspector P is a Bic Crystal man. This and his shabbily polished shoes tell me that he is a functionalist, not given to excessive concern about his appearance. I sense that he is somewhat at odds with the contents of his Proforma and the leather clipboard [ gold embossed - 'Industrial Inspections Inc' ], since both imply absolute conformity with the Procedures by Ms Posteriou. I notice, as I nonchalantly pass, pretending to study the air conditioning duct, that there are several question marks Bicced onto the Proforma in the 'achieved' column. Ms Posteriou is gushing about her use of the Excel Spreadsheet of Satisfaction to illumine the darkest recesses of corporate slovenliness. She has that crazed look in her left eye - the telltale of one who believes the Mission Statement [ but only when it really matters - and that is now ]. Inspector P listens impassively, nodding with barely suppressed boredom. He wants to Bic a penis or some other inappropriate graffito on his Proforma but he is controlling the urge because he knows, in the core of his Inspectorhood, that so to do would be to destroy the authority of his Proforma. He has read the signals, Ms Posteriou is a slapper, attempting, with little success, to recover from a loud conversation about her 'night on the piss' which was overhead as Inspector P returned prematurely from taking a pee. There is also the pair of manky mauve court shoes under the desk. There is also the unmissable whiff of the overperfuming which disguises something unpleasantly pheromonic that should not be there but is. Yes, he has already made his mind up has Inspector P. But Ms Posteriou does not know this. She believes that it is possible to make this man believe that she is doing a good job. He knows, and I know and soon she will know that, sadly, she's as crap as the rest of us.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:06 PM
Inspector P has been charged to probe Ms Posteriou on her performance across a range of vital criteria, each of which is detailed at length on his Proforma of Power. I note that Inspector P is a Bic Crystal man. This and his shabbily polished shoes tell me that he is a functionalist, not given to excessive concern about his appearance. I sense that he is somewhat at odds with the contents of his Proforma and the leather clipboard [ gold embossed - 'Industrial Inspections Inc' ], since both imply absolute conformity with the Procedures by Ms Posteriou. I notice, as I nonchalantly pass, pretending to study the air conditioning duct, that there are several question marks Bicced onto the Proforma in the 'achieved' column. Ms Posteriou is gushing about her use of the Excel Spreadsheet of Satisfaction to illumine the darkest recesses of corporate slovenliness. She has that crazed look in her left eye - the telltale of one who believes the Mission Statement [ but only when it really matters - and that is now ]. Inspector P listens impassively, nodding with barely suppressed boredom. He wants to Bic a penis or some other inappropriate graffito on his Proforma but he is controlling the urge because he knows, in the core of his Inspectorhood, that so to do would be to destroy the authority of his Proforma. He has read the signals, Ms Posteriou is a slapper, attempting, with little success, to recover from a loud conversation about her 'night on the piss' which was overhead as Inspector P returned prematurely from taking a pee. There is also the pair of manky mauve court shoes under the desk. There is also the unmissable whiff of the overperfuming which disguises something unpleasantly pheromonic that should not be there but is. Yes, he has already made his mind up has Inspector P. But Ms Posteriou does not know this. She believes that it is possible to make this man believe that she is doing a good job. He knows, and I know and soon she will know that, sadly, she's as crap as the rest of us.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:06 PM
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Magic
'Body of baby is found on motorway' was the headline. The darkness of the scene this conjured up. A crushingly sad story about to be uncovered. Something about a deep seated fear of abandonment in us all.
Then, 4 days later all is well, 'Foetus on M25 was medical exhibit'. Oh fine. Not an abandoned dead baby after all. A foetus, and it was a medical exhibit. No, not a baby. No, it didn't have a mother. No sadness here. Move along. It was just a foetus. No further action required.
Isn't language magical?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 2:05 PM
Holbein'Body of baby is found on motorway' was the headline. The darkness of the scene this conjured up. A crushingly sad story about to be uncovered. Something about a deep seated fear of abandonment in us all.
Then, 4 days later all is well, 'Foetus on M25 was medical exhibit'. Oh fine. Not an abandoned dead baby after all. A foetus, and it was a medical exhibit. No, not a baby. No, it didn't have a mother. No sadness here. Move along. It was just a foetus. No further action required.
Isn't language magical?
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 2:05 PM
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Holbein in England is on at Tate Britain until the 7th of January. It costs a tenner to get in. I debated on whether it was worth it. Medieval portraits of the Great and the Good [ or Bad in this case ] are not ordinarily my thang. But there's something about Henry VIII isn't there? Possibly the most soaptastic monarch we've ever had in the Realm and compelling in so many ways. Given that Holbein was so close, for so long, to the Court of our 'enery I was strangely drawn to cross the threshold. I went to see a whole load of Michelangelo drawings back in June. As I entered the Holbein show I was suddenly aware of the contemporaneity of the two. I'd not previously connected the Renaissance with the Tudor era - my impoverished historical awareness showing thru. Like his Italian counterpart, realism was The Thing for Mr H. There is a freshness about the many portraits on show that gives them a spine tingling magic. You look into the eyes of someone that died five hundred years ago and you are in their presence. They gaze at you across time. A rosy flush in the cheek, a seductive glint in the eye - nowt new under the sun. The big draw, of course, is the Tudor stuff and it doesn't disappoint. From the massively impressive two and half metre high cartoon of H8 to the exquisite miniatures of prospective wives that Holbein was dispatched to make as the quest for an heir grew ever more desperate. Most haunting: the image of John Fisher; a vision of a good man destroyed by the all consuming power of a king-gone-mad. Holbein's genius was, in no small part, to chronicle an extraordinary period in English history. Indeed, much of our subsequent understanding owes much to his extraordinary legacy.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:35 PM
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:35 PM