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Big n juicy - modern musings mediated - est 2003




drD's essential guide to modern knowledge

Thursday, March 30, 2006
Not too late to express your views on the Quick Question.
I'll be following up on your answers dans le weekend.


Delores done good. 6 wee piggies produced.
Check out the Cornish Pigcam.
[ Nobody mention bacon ]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:01 PM  

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Quick question

Which motorway sign design do you think is the most readable?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:41 PM  

Bogroll a go go
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
It's been so long. Now is the time:
Our man in the middle east - front line Israeli election blogging.
Birdy's gone all quiet - could be drunk in a hedge somewhere...
Sick as a parrot.
The call centre appears to be offline currently. Shame, just as it was getting interesting again.
Drub's doing lots of art and design and sex - nowt new there then.
H's in the house.
Game show geezer. I was wondering how long he could resist Noel's probabilities.
Dead badger?
Blue philanthropy.
La la la laundry. Looks like Spring is sprung out west.
Marky du jour.
Quietly, stealthily, Mr Mutant has produced a collection of some brilliantly atmospheric photos taken with quirky equipment. We like a bit of quirk round here.
It knows how to snow in Aberdeenshire.
Anudder quiet time but the pics are still worth a second look. Come back Sensiti.
Poetry before death.
Cola fuelled comatic thoughts and freaky gaydar profiles. I do worry for his wellbeing.
Sticky moments in the forest.
Beautiful isolation.
Solar panels and no knickers.
Princess von Twatski der Bloggie06.

Dozy twat
Clockforwarditis hit home this morning as I was on the receiving end of a rear end shunt. [ Stopit at the back ]. The dozy twat who pranged me mumbled about 'lost concentration'. He had the appearance of a further education lecturer who'd seen better days. There I was, waiting at the lights outside Netto and WHAMMO! right up the jacksie. I'm sure my nodding dog left a deposit on the parcel shelf through fear.
Now I have to decide whether to try claiming megabucks from his insurance company. Thrice Buggeration.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM  

Monday, March 27, 2006
Here's one I made earlier

1. Print out.
2. Stick to old cornflake packet with COPYDEX.
3. Laminate with sticky back plastic.
4. Pin to hoody and visit zoo for nothing.
5. Flog on ebay for one hundred and fifty quid.
6. Write blog article about scandalous corruption of British Institution.
Well if TB can do it...

Hearing voices
"Nowadays, phoning this insurance company is like meeting a lovely woman at a party. 'How can we help?' the voice artist asks, adding with a husky chuckle, 'For all claims, please press 4 now ..."
Fascinating article on the do's and dont's of interactive voice response systems.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:13 PM  

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Norman Kember's latest grumpy expression / shopping trip / eyebrow flex / bowel movement etc. [ He's back, move on ].
Sue Barker.
Squirrels with moustaches.
Des Lynam on Countdown.
Tony Blair's speculative bogoff date crisis.
That whiny bloke with the silly glasses on the news.
Endless stories about stunted daffodils, rabbits in thermal underwear, underperforming thermal knickers etc.
Crap regional weather.
Crap regional weather forecasts.
Fiona Bruce.
Fiona Bruce's moustache.
Crap X Factor spin off albums.
enuff already - I'm in another time zone now - time to go to bed

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:07 PM  

Squirrels: we need to know
Friday, March 24, 2006
Following yesterday's in-depth investigation into the euro-squirrel issue I was alarmed, when I espied from my bedroom window earlier, a member of this same species which appears to have taken up residence in the air vent of a nearby building. By perching on top of the vent, the rubber footed rodent can fully visualise the goings on [and otherwise] in my personal bedchamber. I am, understandably, concerned. What if this is not a true euro-squirrel but a CIA stealth-squirrel, targeted on me and my nocturnals? Fully equipped with laser night vision and nuclear powered - as no doubt it would be if manufactured in the US. Thus enabled for a considerably extended period to relay detailed multi-megapixel quality images back, via squirrelsat, to spook HQ somewhere in a hollowed out mountain west of here. 'Paranoid', you might think - but now we have a Tory MP in Bignjuicyville things have changed. Why did my phone ring inexplicably at 9.09am this morning only to stop ringing at 9.09am just 15 seconds later? Exactly.
Why have I never seen a baby squirrel? They always seem to be big bruisers, fully formed and ready to scamper up the nearest tree at the merest flicker of an eyelash. Where are all the offspring? Or do they hatch out, fully grown, from giant squirrel eggs ready to go forth and eat nuts? Would it be economically viable to mass produce squirrel burgers? I think not - unless you were going to farm the squirrels. Imagine what a squirrel farm would be like. They'd be bouncing about all over the shop. You'd have to make a giant lid to stop them bouncing off into the nearby industrial estate and rampaging through the Nearby Nut factory. [ Dry roasted being a particular favourite ]. How many squirrels could you fit in per square metre before it became inhumane? Are there laws and local authority regulations governing the incarceration, for burger production purposes, of squirrels: bush tailed and multiple numbers of ? Do squirrels suffer psychological trauma when prevented from leaping up trees willy nilly? - I suspect they do. I conclude that the squirrel burger will only ever be a small volume product - more of an occasional gourmet snack. Air gun accuracy permitting. No doubt, the squirrel opposite will be keeping a close eye on me. But, already I'm on to him - I have, as I type, installed Squirrelcam to monitor his [or her ] every twitch. Expect developments.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:24 PM  

So, no takers for this criminal chap from yesterday?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:23 PM  

Thursday, March 23, 2006
Monsieur, with these squirrels you are really spoiling our nuts
Did you know that the future of Ferrero Rocher is at grave risk?
A voracious hoarde of rampaging squirrels is massing perilously close to the south of Turin. The precious plantations of hazlenuts which form the basis of the chocolate Globe of the Gods are about to be munched into oblivion by the bushy tailed terrorists. Not content with duffing up virtually the entire population of British Red Squirrels, they are now about to decimate the bad taste dinner parties of the upwardly mobile. [Those transparent boxes they pack them in make really handy desk tidys too ].
Four solutions:
1. Jamie Oliver Squirrel burger anyone?
2. Why not join the European Squirrel initiative? [ I want a T Shirt ]
3. Convince Mr Bush [geddit?] that they are a threat to national security. Stand back whilst he lasers their bushy behinds from outer space.
4. Bugger the hazlenuts and eat Mars bars.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:20 PM  

The Budget
Your FAQs

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Will there be any tax cuts?
I could cut taxes but...
we don't wanna give you that
I'm spending it all on schools!

I have children. Is there any help for me?
Yes. The government will arrange for a white van to visit in the early hours of the morning. Have them ready with enough clean underwear for a two week stay at the Jamie Oliver correctional facility and brat camp. You won't know them once we've finished with them.

I am a pensioner. What is in the Budget for me?
Bugger all granny. Get real. This is New Labour. Labour means work - geddit?

I have bought a new car. Will I be paying more tax?
Sure thing. There are several new taxes we've designed especially for you.
1. Hub cap relief allowance. Based on the molecular weight and precise alloy used in your caps as well as the aesthetic appeal of your alloys and how blingin they are. Expect to pay between £2.50 [ Ford Fiesta with UPVC inserts ] and £1250 [ Merecedes SLK with Beckhamique ceramic dongers ].
2. Petrol pump attendance allowance. Prepay on your moby [ text messages cost £1.50 ] or buy a voucher from Vera at the forecourt.
3. In-car ornamentation charge. A sliding scale of charges, payable at time of purchase, on all new in-car thingies. Examples: Orangey traffic light smelly thing to hang from you rear view mirror + 50p. Nodding pitbull + £1.50. Cigarette lighter powered electro toilet +£3.00. David Dicko mahogany style rococo raleigh seats +£85.

What additional help will you be giving to schools?
Every child will be provided with a Personal Educational Assistant. A highly trained mentor style personal performance coach. They will be able to provide your child with the opportunities you never had. They'll do your child's homework whilst he does PS2. They'll nip out for Twiglets or Lucozade at break when he forgets to stock up on the way in. They'll even, in an emergency, phone you to remind you of your child's existence whilst you're busy working. [Fees apply. Your child may be reposessed if you do not keep up repayments. Calls may be recorded and sold to the BBC for use on Watchdog]
We are also recruiting 30 million extra teachers from Guatemala to staff our new 'Get up n Guatemala Business and Enterprise Half Hour Extension Twilight After School Club n Dance Trance Zones'. Enjoy.

My parents have a large home which I am set to inherit. What has happened to inheritance tax (IHT)?
We've increased it so that rich kids like you can subsidise the less well off.
[ Unless you are a Queen in which case Charlie boy gets the lot ].

My daughter is buying her first home, is there any help available?
Yes. We will be producing a series of helpful leaflets with titles such as, 'Capitalist enslavement - a guide for the young and the desperate'. 'Finding affordable homes in the south-east' [Currently out of print]. 'Estate agents and other wildlife of the United Kingdom'. 'Linda Barker's magic moments with MDF'.

I am a saver and investor, is there any help for me?
Not really - you've got plenty already Comrade. Why not consider a donation to your local SNEZ [School n Enterprise Zone].

What about booze and fags?
Sounds like a good idea. I need something to take my mind off of all this heavy financial stuff.

I am an employee. Will I be paying more tax?
Not really. Overall, you'll be slightly better off when you take into account the endogenous offset factor which will apply to around 95% of all eligible employees during the forthcoming fiscal cycle. I trust that's allayed your concerns.

Is there anything else?
Yes. I'm going to be Prime Minister at last! Good eh?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:44 PM  

Monday, March 20, 2006
When sweaters attack

Don't have nightmares, don't look at this site after 10pm.

Beam me up 2 - on me 'ead
Something large and steely nearly fell on somebody's head at Wemberley.

The Moustache Quiz has been solved finally by the lovely Harriet. Full answers now posted down there. Thanks to all who persisted. Rejoice.

Question: Would you let your 12 year old watch a documentary film that featured several uses of the f**k word plus other assorted swear words as well as some fruity n frank discussion of various sexual goings on?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:15 PM  

Sunday, March 19, 2006
Caterpillar clues
8 and 9 of the Moustache Quiz are still unsolved. [ This has to be the longest running quiz I've ever done ]. I'm going to issue clue upon clue until closure can be achieved.
8 - Voulez vous etc etc.
9 - Jungle madlady.
Cmon cmon..

The risky work that I thought was about to come my way has not done so. Apparently, my handsome face did not fit with the particular philosophy at work. I'm sort of relieved that the decision was made for me. I'm sort of disappointed to be rejected. I'm sort of thinking it was a bit karmic as, deep down, I did feel uneasy. Oh well, back on the game for me it seems...

Beam me up
As predicted after my visit back in January, The Scottish Parliament building is in the news again for all the wrong reasons. One of the massive oak beams from the magnificent debating chamber roof has pinged out of it's stainless steel socket, giving the Tory MSPs below a scare. [Thankyou God]. The structural integrity of the whole roof is now being called into question and it looks as though a large bill will be landing in someone's in-tray. How very embarrassing - again. Bespoke architecture, as I said at the time, does not come cheap. Or necessarily well made it seems.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:14 PM  

St Patrick's Day
Friday, March 17, 2006
Dublin memories

Inscription on Oscar Wilde memorial

Celtic knot carving, Glasnevin Cemetery

At the Guninness Storehouse

Ha'penny Bridge detail

At the Guninness Storehouse

Thought for the day
It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.
Irish proverb

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 2:49 PM  

Step too far?
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I think we're far more influenced by the seasons than we realise. Though many of us operate in artificial environments of brick, stone, steel and glass. Although we may spend large amounts of time surrounded by machinery of various kinds. I think the change in the seasons permeates into the rhythm of what we do. For me, there's definitely change in the offing with some expected and some unexpected opportunities coming to a head at the moment. One of the unexpected ones came up today; I think I'm about to be offered some work quite unlike anything I've ever done before and quite unlike anything I ever thought I might do. I'm surprised at myself for actually considering doing it. There are a few aspects that are genuinely interesting and exciting to me with opportunities for personal growth and potential for personal reward. [The money aint too bad either] There are also two aspects which concern me and these two could be 'deal breakers'. You see, they are to do with personal safety and wellbeing. I know for sure that the work will be demanding and may impact on my personal happiness from time to time. Since I quit traditional employment nearly 17 months ago I've felt a lot more content, balanced and sane. I'm concerned that I might jeopardise that by taking on this work. The other issue is a risk, albeit small, to my personal safety in carrying out the work. That's something I've never had to deal with before so it obviously needs some careful thought. On the one hand, I could be doing something very stimulating and greatly appreciated. On the other, I might be signing up for a load of grief. The likelihood is, I think, that it'll be somewhere in between these two extremes. What to do eh?

The moustache quiz is getting a bit hairy in it's old age. 6, 8 and 9 still to be solved - so here's anudder clue.
6 - May be celebrating on Friday.
8 - Latino ladee.
9 - Purple hair.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:40 PM  

drD's weekend health plan - phase 1
Sunday, March 12, 2006
1. Eat grapes and other assorted fruits for much of the day. Purchase advance supplies of small labrador puppies online.
2. Drink several glasses of 'Be good to yourself' wine during the evening. Eat a healthy, low calorie vegetable lasagne followed by diet chocolate gateau and a few more medicinal wines.
3. Take taxi home.
4. Fall asleep on sofa with mouth open until 2.45am then crawl to bed trying not to open eyes.

1. Awake to, 'The Archers', having left the radio on all night. Lie in bed disorientated and trying not to think about Tom Archer's gourmet burgers.
2. Drink large strong coffee and eat low calorie luxury croissant with deluxe strawberry jam - [ lite ].
3. Meander aimlessly for several hours performing undemanding domestic duties. Break favourite mug in careless collision with floor. Wince as Sarah Cox stands in for Trevor Nelson on radio.
4. Eat several M&S jaffa cakes [ not just Jaffa Cakes: luxury orgasmic German Jaffa Cakes in gold plastic wrapping - with moustaches ].
5. Watch Bahrain Grand Prix.
6. Develop uncomfortable bloated feeling as Steve Rider interviews cockney fat man.
7. Decide to revive jogging habit after five years.
8. Seek out suitable clothing.
9. Dress in stripy acrylic tights and hoody and run twice around park in low light.
10. Avoid vicious muzzled hound frothing and barking in defence of it's tattooed owner. Say 'hello' to her as you breathlessly trot past.
11. Warm down with brisk walk back to pad.
12. Collapse on sofa and feel good. Resolve to get fit again.

to be continued...this may take some time.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:40 PM  

Saturday, March 11, 2006
Blogs of interest
Ms Robin - she's a vintage housekeeper and a Ladeee for sure.
I enjoyed these extraordinarily intense images from Kit in Chile.
Russell is the author of now legendary eggbaconchipsandbeans. Being a resident of Planet Vegetaria, I prefer his other blog which is an entertaining read also.

...to uncovering the owners of the 3 remaining magnificent moustaches.
Clue no 1: 2 singers and a harridan. Try your hand here

Anna has written a beautifully atmospheric poem with a magic picture.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:01 PM  

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Watching you
More bloody cameras.
Fingerprints in the supermarket.
Eyeliner. Churely not Chantelle? Looks like her.

Get your Tony Blair action doll here.

There are several still to be guessed - why not have a go?

Cloud of unknowing
As you may notice, I'm trying out a new feature over there on the left.
Not sure what I think yet - we'll see eh?
As a consequence of this there is now an RSS feed - should you require such fangledness. It is here.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:50 PM  

Monday, March 06, 2006
...there are 10 more hirsute well knowns for you to identify.
One each, please, for the time being - could all get a bit hairy later.


freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:56 PM  

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Who is hiding behind the mammoth moustache?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM  

Thursday, March 02, 2006

el gherkin en la noche
Great little slideshow of groovy Spanish modern buildings - recommended.

US horror
"Millions of eyewitnesses watched in stunned horror Tuesday as light emptied from the sky, plunging the U.S. and neighboring countries into darkness. As the hours progressed, conditions only worsened...

Sad news
It's hard not to feel a bit spooked when people who form the backdrop to your life die unexpectedly at a relatively young age. Funny lady, Linda Smith and Jack Wild - forever the Artful Dodger. Feels a bit close for comfort somehow.

Can I just share with you:
There are six million cat owners in the UK and - sorry I haven't finished speaking - most of them live in London. [ Gawd - how bad was Nargis? Krazy name, krazy gal. This lot are supposed to be the creme de la creme of the business world. There's hope for me yet. ]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:47 PM  

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