Big n juicy

I've lived in my present location for about fifteen years. Not far away is an avenue of trees. I'd mentally assigned them to the BnJ classification of 'public trees'.
These are nondescript, big green things that are just there in rows in public places. A bit like magnolia paint is used for interiors - it's there but you forget it's there because it makes little impact. Now that's not strictly true of these trees because they are big buggers being of the mature variety. Those Victorians knew how to do municipal planting. Anyway, before this post gets even more wooden [I know] I'll geddonwithit. For the first time ever I've noticed that the trees are flowering. I noticed this because I went for a walk the other night, passed underneath them and was engulfed in the most beautiful, subtle perfume. I couldn't work out where it was coming from as the flowers are very subtle too. But the more I looked the more I could see masses of flowers stretching way up to the sky - all giving off the most divine smell. The longer I live, the more I realise how subtle the natural world is and how it takes gentle appreciation to understand it. How many layers there are to be uncovered in the simplest of situations. How we can miss things no matter how often we see them. How stopping still for a while, pausing, can reveal things to you that are very special. I think that principle works in all kinds of ways.

Do you believe?
"The stress of the terror attacks on the US in 2001 changed the way many Americans viewed the world, and...left the population open to tricks of belief manipulation. A recent survey, for example, found that more than half of Americans thought Iraqis were involved in the attacks, despite the fact that nobody had come out and said it."
Interesting reading on how our beliefs influence what we do. Having leisure time gives us more thinking space. No wonder blogging has taken hold.

Earth calling Google
Birdy linked to Google Earth. I went there to try it but they've shut shop for now. It looks amazing. Watch this space. One day soon you'll be able to googlezoom in to your neighbour's eyeballs even when he's on holiday in Ulan Bator then videoconference with him to show him the houseplant you killed in his absence.

Be gone to sheol oh troll of greed
More familial evilbile from my deranged relative today. I'm only blogging it to give some objectivity to the situation. If I send it out there onto the web it'll get dissipated and take it's rightful infinitesimal significance with all the other crap floating around. Hopefully some of the crap will flow back in her direction real soon. Not that I'm bitter you understand. I'm lovely, you don't have to tell me..
I may remove this bit when I've calmed down. Or I may not.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:43 PM

Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I'll begin.
Who would have thought that buying an office chair would be so complicated?
About 18 months ago I took a fancy to a new chair for my impending power base. I settled on a little number from Habitat. I'd seen similar chairs on Newsnight - so they had to be good right? Looks a bit like this but with arms. After two months one of the wheels fell off. Habitat replaced the chair. After another twelve months one of the wheels fell off. The chair was beyond the guarantee period so I had to get busy with the Araldite and glue the wheel back on. Meanwhile I'd begun to suffer back and leg pain. I managed to convince myself that it was a sign of decrepitude and nothing to do with my uber-stylish chair. It was only last week when I had to go and have acupuncture on my neck that I finally admitted style had triumphed over sanity. I needed to get another chair. Just as I'd faced reality another wheel fell off.

Today I spent 4 hours touring local office equipment suppliers being instructed in the subtleties of synchronising, tilt and swivel, mesh back versus solid, collapsing foam and gas lift leakage. One salesman decided to tell me about the benefits of leather covering "because it protects you if you come off your motorbike". Somehow I'd stumbled into another dimension in which I would be travelling at high speed in my new chair and risking death. Makes a change from wheels falling off I suppose.

How was it that when I told him I wanted something 'well padded with good support' at an 'entry level' price he offered me a wonderbra - [only joking] - then tried to sell me some US made carbon fibre contraption that is so over engineered it could land on Mars unaided and send back pictures of sand. And all for the bargain price of £300! I hadn't the heart to remind him that my budget was nearer 10% of that. So, here I am still sitting on my 4 wheel 5 leg throne of pain. Actually more like slumping than sitting. There's a funny ache in my knee. My right shoulder blade feels knotted and when I tilt my head back it synchronises with a weird clicking in my ear. I went out determined to buy a new, healthier chair to work in. I came back confused . Should I go for the £250 purple high back with adjustable everything, the blue mottled medium back with bouncy inflatable lumbar support, the matte black Italian mean machine with chrome knobs or the 50 quid swiveltastic number with cast iron base but dodgy gas lift? I'm confused - and desperate. If I leave it much longer another wheel will fall off and I'll need a CT scan.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:52 PM

Summertime menu
Come home from work.
Take your clothes off.
Go out in the back yard.
Light a fire in an old oil drum.
Slap on some dogburgers [25p each from Offalmart].
Smellllll that aroma.
Crank up the stereo with some old Status Quo numbers.
Drink loadsa laaaaaager.

Weather
Stunningly gorgeous day today.
Clear skies, warm sunshine, gentle breeze, beautiful assistant rubbing oil into my body.
OK two out of three's not bad.

Are you too smart for your salary?
This fiendish online test will give you a cash/cleverness coefficient.
I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:30 PM

I'm hooked now.
The whole secret garden thing has done it for me.
Very clever. Shades of Whitehall farce - in one door out another. Deception, fear of being caught. We viewers know something they don't. Brilliant. The chemistry between the three secret housemates is interesting. I vote Kinga [the minga] and Eugene to stay. Poor Eugene. Stranded in those green velour pants - no wonder he was in tears. Kinga has enough boobage for page 3,4,5,6-20 with appendices and supplements to go. She'll go far.

Makosi is stunning and has real star quality. She's in her element with all the bluff and double bluff. She's a real delight - and we want her to win.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:07 PM

Do you know the way to San Jose?
How much is that doggy in the window?
Can you feel the love tonight?
Is this the way to a new pillow?

Lottabottle
Life is full of strange paradoxes.
I'm very much in favour of recycling. I'm also very much in favour of beer. I'm very much in favour of having a nice view from my windows. I'm not very much in favour of the bottlebank that the Bignjuicy Council have installed in my eyeline from one of those windows. You can't have it all ways can ya? Could be worse I suppose. Could've been a Bigjuicy Council dog poo processing and aroma unit...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:24 PM

It's raining

Blessed relief

News update

On Monday I made some news predictions. Lets see how I did:

YorkshireFlashFlood - has, so far, not dominated the news. GlastonburyFlashFlood has, instead, grabbed the headlines. Nothing to do with five thousand media peeps on site I suppose?

GlobalWarmingEuropecrisisNuclearPower rumbles on. Nobody seems to have picked up on TB's new title of 'President'. [It's what he's always wanted]

There seems to be a growing acceptance of the idea of a total public smoking ban rather than the previous limited proposals. [Cough cough]

Chirac is fading fast. TomCruise on the other hand is still up there. Being ~~a squirt~~ squirted, getting engaged to a child and having great teeth - waydago Tommy. Popbitch tells of Tom's on-set Scientology tent when making War of the Worlds.

WimbledonSueBarkerTimHenman / StateOfBritishTennis / McEnroe is at full-life sapping-throttle. She was on two channels simultaneously last night. Tim 'crashed out' [there is a god]. Only 15 more weeks to go before it's all over for another year.
[and there's a New Boy]

Geldof's African odyssey is a refreshingly different take. Positive and beautiful images abound. Geldof's gift of gab is a bit irritating but maddeningly engaging.

Jo Whiley got flashflooded off air at Glasto = more Moyles = result.

No hamsters this week.
[sigh]
Enuff now.
Late breaking update: We have hamsters!

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:32 AM

It's a bit hot here today. My brain is affected. I've resorted to taking siestas the last few days. They appear to work too. Beats being slumped over a hot terminal pretending to excel at excel. I'm feeling a bit tense having to deal with legal fallout from the fertiliser explosion just over a week ago. Given the heat and the tension I may well resort to violence if anyone gets on the wrong side of me. I've already given the cat a good talking to. How do you handle temperature induced tetchiness?

Stuff
Simon has had an interesting reply from his MP, whom he wrote to about the National ID card 'scheme'. The reply seems to indicate that this whole scheme has not been thought through. Given that the government appears to be sneaking this into law when most MPs are away, I think the eventual shape of this scheme will be far from what is initially proposed. Prepare for compulsory implants folks.

More stuff

Mark has got a lovely tooth photo on his site and a choice description of his nasal contents lower down the page [not stomach safe].

Witchy is being rebalanced as we speak - I hope she's going easy on the lager..

DG is famous at last.

Sensiti is back on the scene with more great photies.

Birdy has been galavanting around the med again [ jealous? oui ]

Alan's gone full frontal.

Q: What is that on top of Donald Trump's head?

Commentary
Thanks for your test comments below. It was frustrating when I couldn't comment back. It would seem that something had been changed at the Haloscan end which is causing some weirdness. I've been plugging away via their support forum and it looks like it's not just me having the prob. I've been trying to comment on a few blogs these last days and become like a silent screamer as each has been eaten as soon as I clicked the 'publish' button. I have been visiting you - it's just that I haven't been able to leave my calling card.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:30 PM

No comment
Seem to be having a spot of bother with my comments. My comments on other blogs just seem to disappear into the ether and I can't even get a comment on my own blog to show up! I'm wondering if anyone else has had the same prob here [or elsewhere] - drop me a line at [juice at bignjuicy.co.uk] if you have - ta.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:17 AM

The term has been around for a number of years and seems to have originated in the US. I only became aware of it today. It is 'affluenza'.
"A painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more." or "The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by dogged pursuit of the American Dream. 3. An unsustainable addiction to economic growth." [from Wikipedia]
Certainly there is plenty of evidence that it's crossed the Atlantic. Who buys all those pre-packaged meals from the supermarkets with no time to cook? Who doesn't have time to see their children during the week because they're working? Who spends their life chasing the bigger house, newer car, new kitchen / bathroom / boobs / bimbonic wife / alpha male? Consumption is the name of the game.
Are you afflicted? Find out here.
There's a project too.
And an org - which presents society as a jigsaw and attempts to show how affluenza permeates everything from agriculture to justice.
A wee book to read, "an eye-opening, soul-prodding look at the wretched excess of today's American society".
Still want that new gewgaw for your pad?
It may not make you happy you know...

This week's news ticker
YorkshireFlashFloodTragedyGlobalWarmingEuropecrisisSmokingBanJacquesChiracTomCruiseNuclearPowerWimbledonSueBark
erTimHenmanBobGeldofToryLeadershipG8G8TimHenmanTheStateOfBritishTennisBigBrotherKenClarkeLive8GlastonburyTicket
ScandalTimBloodyHenmanWimbleboreYawnVenusWilliamsJohnMcEnroeZZZZGlastonburyJoWhileyAndyKershawTimSoddi
ngHenmanHeatwaveSkinCancerHamster.
[Check back on Friday to see how my predictions fared]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:33 AM

It finally feels like summer.
The locals have started to disrobe. Vistas of badly roasted cellulite waddling down the road assail the eyes. Secret body hair is revealed to the neighbourhood and the scent of badly barbecued animals wafts across the back gardens in the early evening. Earlier I played 'Summertime', by Ella and it felt so right - even though there's no cotton plantation within a thousand miles of here - we can dream eh?

It's been a roller coaster week this week. Not just for me but for other readers too if blog posts are anything to go by. I'm glad it's going to be hot enough to change the way I feel this weekend. The kind of heat where you just have to go with the flow and stress takes a back seat. I hope you get the chance to stand and stare this weekend. Or sit down, take the weight off your feet - look into the middle distance and dream a bit. [Glass of something cool and alcoholic optional but recommended].
Enjoy.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:30 PM

...began with Gilbert and George on the radio. George described the pain it causes them to make pictures. They think of themselves as living sculptures and as a single artist, not collaborators. I find them very interesting to listen to. Their art is earthy and direct. They are very famous indeed yet not as celebrated in the UK as they should be.

After yesterday's fertiliser overload I needed to escape. Change scene. The day promised drizzle but came thru by lunch with brilliant sunshine and warmth. I moseyed to London. Mooched around the parks, hugged a tree, tickled a squirrel and sat by the lake for a while delighting in the sunlight glinting off the water and toasting my face gently in the sun. Lunch by the Thames [Tip: The river terrace of Somerset House is a great place to chill on a summer's afternoon.] Time, then, to visit one of my FPITW. More on that later.

Heard today:
A divorced father on the train making a call to his his young son. The boy obviously wanted to tell him all about his day and his new cowboy outfit. Dad kept mentioning that he was about to go into a tunnel and wanted to call him back later in the week. Sad. Boys need Dads.

Seen today:

The full size John Constable preparatory study for The Haywain.[ I think it's better than the 'final' version ]

A CD of summer birdsong for 22 quid. [I'd rather sit outside].

A beautiful copper beech.

A majestic horse chestnut.

The Live 8 concert arena being built [not as big as I expected].

A Margaret Rutherford lookalike.

A group of African gallery attendants gossiping among a collection of Rodin bronzes.
[They were like living sculptures]

Certain members of my family for what they really are. [Begins with B, ends in S - not 'beauties']

A renewed vision and another way forward in my life without their help.

Thought for the day [and tomorrows]:
"Our future is greater than our past."
Ben Okri
Inscribed here.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:04 PM

A meeting I was due to have last week was actually put off until earlier this evening. Funny how one meeting can change your life - or at least the way you see your life - and the people in it. Funny how people you thought you knew turn out not to be the people you thought them to be after all. Funny how people see the world so differently from one another and how a negative outlook can poison a person's whole life and way of relating to others. Funny how the 'Jerry Springer' way of dealing with people has eroded empathy, respect and compassion. How mistrust, suspicion and greed get in the way of decency. This, I think, was one of the most difficult meetings of my life and it didn't go the way I'd hoped and planned for. Trust me, material enough for a bit of despair in the long lonely hours.

But no. I will not yield, I tell myself. From this other directions, other plans have begun to emerge and I think they may lead on to good things. Certainly, talking about them made my heart sing a bit - so that has to be good no? "It's still a beautiful world - strive to be happy", used to be the motto on this blog. I really must reinstate that soon and I really do want to be happy - very much. I just seem not to have quite understood the best way to get there at the moment and the people I thought would help me are too busy seeking their own form of happiness. Knowing what you value, what's really important to you, not being bound up by the past. Discarding negative events in history and readjusting your view of your life.
I think they call it growth. Pass the fertiliser please.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:55 PM

The Right Honourable the Lord Steel of Aikwood KT KBE DL today expressed his fear that The Blessed Bobgeldof was on an 'ego trip' with his latest mission to save humanity. This is very public spirited of his Right Honourable Lordness. It seems like only yesterday when he stood apodium and told his Liberal Party chums to, "Go back to your constituencies and prepare for government". Yet it was twenty years ago. How that stirring command changed the world - for it was only three short years later that the Liberal Party was abolished and wee Davy Steel became a Spitting Image puppet. Glad to know that he's still around and being as absurd as ever. Who in their right mind would think that His Holiness, The Blessed Bobgeldof even had an ego under all that hair?
[ No text message yet - bugger I'll have to watch it on telly ]
Which brings me to the results of my TrinnyTranny style makeover of Sir Gandalf using a discarded Jude Law wig I had under the sink. Bobby looks neatNclean no?
Where's me f****n hair gone?

Excitement unbound today. The Zoester is going to be even more famous when she is interviewed by the BBC. [ I knew her when she only had a Twat for company - now she's got 80 million readers and a pond ]. DG took a ten hour walk down to the shops live and interactive. He averaged about four A-Z squares an hour before collapsing in the car park clutching his comestibles. And all because he wanted to shop on the same lattitude as his house. It was cool.

I went outside earlier to find that my telephone line had been ripped away from my house wall. Again. The sprited local young people had amused themselves last night by skipping down the road wrenching all visible cables from their mountings. Thirty houses vandalised. I phoned the local ~~constabulary~~ CrimeNdisorder Bairforce Voicemail Module and left a message. I'm still waiting for a call back. [ Or at least an Andrex 'we care deeply' photostat in the post]. It never used to be like that. Everyone knew the local bobby. You'd see him pounding his beat - when he wasn't pounding some local nerdowell down a back alley with his truncheon. Now all we get is a high speed driveby in an armoured Ford Focus once a fortnight in the early hours. No wonder there's so much dog s**t about.

Wednesday brings the chance to relive the kinder gentler days of community policing when Dixon of Dock Green returns to the airwaves. Looks promising - I can see a Heartbeat style TV revival before too long. And it features David Tennant - the noo Dr Who. Speaking of which, last Saturday's episode was exquisite. Russell T is pushing so many buttons so well.
Davina-droid: "You are live on Channel 44,000, please do not swear."
How I'd love to have my finger on the the pulse like that. Genius.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:13 PM

Baad
Pissed off by pollution?
Don't drive behind a Stagecoach with your windows open.

Myfanwy the sheep stages James Bond stylee escape from death. Go girl.

Downunder
Aussie shaggers.

Toilet train your pussy.
Dr Melissa Catt swears by it.
"Q.Will my cat fall into the toilet? A.Cats are nimble creatures & navigating the toilet should be easy for them. Also, cats don’t like water so they’ll try their best to avoid falling in."

Gay penguins can stay in the pink.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:00 PM

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:12 PM

Back tomorrow.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:32 PM

Crackin day at the ranch today - sort of summer.
Tomorrow looks like it's going to be even crackiner according to the new BBC virtual weather machine. [ Michael Fish in leather ]. Tomorrow evening I'm due to have a life changing meeting which is not looking to go in my favour at the moment. If there's owt you can do - sacrifice some pencil shavings / pray to the god of netto or ritual ablutions etc please do it - I need all the help I can get.

Questions today:

Why does the Radio Times website behave so badly in Firefox?

What is the true nature of Ian's haircut problem?

Why does my Cherie amour get £30k for telling bored Americans how difficult her life is?

Can I get a job like that please?

Seen:
Zoe has begun torturing her children again. Has to be a good sign.

My seven lovelies have moved up river with Mum & Dad. They are bigger - more photies when I can.

Dullness
..is bad for you. It's official. Especially dullness at work. In a study of 2000 male civil servants - [ the glamour of it all ] - it was discovered that their resistance to heart problems was related to unchanging heart rhythms. Lower grade jobs with little control over daily tasks may lead to early death. Bored to death? You may well be - escape before it's too late.
I feel even better now about not having a 'proper' job.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:17 PM

Making it up as you go along
Confusion point no 1.
Interestingly, the live8 web address they gave out at their press conference last week doesn't seem to have been implemented. Instead, they're using http://www.live8live.com/.
Confusion point no 2.
Checking the site earlier [about 12.01am] I noticed that they had published the 'question' and text number eight hours before it was officially open. However, nowhere on the site did it mention that pre 8am texts would be invalid as has been publicised elsewhere.
Confusion point no 3.
The [enormous wad of] money generated by the text lottery is, according to the site, going to The Prince's Trust and Help a London Child [first £1.6m]. Further money will go to pay the 'costs' of the concerts [interested to know what these comprise]. The rest will go to the Band Aid Trust. Earlier on the news I heard mention that a proportion of the money would also go to mobile phone co 02. No mention of this on the site.

Given the rapidly evolving arrangements and details for the events I can see trouble ahead unless they have got a super transparent and watertight accounting system in place. Somehow I doubt that they have. How long before 'Live 8 financial irregularity' headlines start to appear?

Money saver no 1.
Why not send lots of postcards to the postal address given here instead of mega expensive texts? You can then donate however much dosh you were going to spend on texts direct to the charities concerned - in the slightly increased confidence that it will not be creamed off by O2 or others. No way of knowing if you stand more chance of winning in the postcard lottery or text lottery of course. Will we ever know?

I can see a healthy black market developing in tickets. Ebaytastic.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 2:38 PM

Could wash the car.
Could wash the cat.
Could wish the cat
would kiss my hat.
Could go for a walk.
Could learn to talk
Italian again using the CD
that was free in the paper.
Could clean the fridge
or go see the bridge
they've built down by the canal.
K'inell is it that time already?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 4:21 PM

I switched on Big Brother last night. I was searching for a little late night mental chewing gum. After a particularly draining day, my head was suffering from fragmentosis of the frontal lobe so I thought BB might be banal distraction. More nuts than a nut flavoured nutty nut cluster in a psychiatric prison for shellbound nut tasting things. They seemed to be rowing about having rows, whingeing about being whinged about and generally being most unattractive and trivial. I hope it gets better. I'm in no mood for whingers at the moment - feeling a bit tense owing to non-cooperative people causing me serious personal concern of a kind Quite Important. My emotional truss is a bit slack so send me cybersupport if you can.

The summer is progressing weirdly. Somehow I keep thinking that 'it's almost summer' - when in fact it actually is. Not that you'd know it apart from the birds being mental around here and loads of flowers out. Maybe it's something to do with my new lifestyle. The things I've normally done in the summer I'm not doing now. This summer is going to be very different in all sorts of ways. I'm quite looking foward to it. Just have to remember to keep calm this next week and win through this present challenge. How do you cope with difficult challenges?

Moral dilemma - update
Thanks to all those that responded to my little poser. I've decided to send a dispassionate email giving details of what I observed with a request [for what it's worth] that the driver not be sacked. My reasoning is that should the driver think a little more about his driving as a result then that is a good thing which could save his life or health or that of others. I think this outweighs the possible negative consequences. I felt, given some of the views that people expressed, that I could not 'do nothing'. I'll let you know of any response I receive.

Words
Funny how words strike you sometimes. 'Blockbuster' gets used a lot; especially since Jaws was released in 1975. Reading about the thirtieth anniversary earlier there was the word again. What block is being busted exactly and why does a movie do the busting? Latterly 'Bonkbuster' has also emerged - hmm.
Wikipedia reveals possible origins in WW2 as a type of bomb capable, variously, of breaking through hardened structures or destroying a whole city block. Nice. Using explosive metaphors fits with the hyperbole of movie publicity I guess.
'Smash hit' - now where did that come from?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:43 AM

Yesterday I was cycling along, minding my own business, enjoying the sunshine - as you do. I approached a busy junction with some traffic lights - you could turn left, go straight on or turn right. I wanted to turn right so pulled up just behind an RAC van which was in the right hand lane waiting at the red light.
The lights changed. Straight on lane and turn left lane both roared off into the distance. RAC van remained stationary. I twitched. Seconds elapsed. I decided to try to get RAC man's attention by glaring at him via his wing mirror. It was then that I noticed that was having a chat on his mobile phone. Just then - either he saw me glaring at him or he realised what he'd done and he roared off - not to the right but across lanes into the straight on lane. In so doing he went through a red light and at speed. The RAC website is very clear about the illegality of mobile phone use whilst driving. There's nothing about speeding through red lights after switching lanes - but I think we all know that's naughty too.
I've got his registration number. Should I send a little email to the RAC?
My hesitation is because I think it might be a sackable offence - it is illegal on several counts after all. On the one hand I'd feel bad if he lost his job. On the other I think he should know better and is setting an appalling example.
It's not quite, 'You Decide' - but I'm interested to know what you think I should do.
Feel free to express your views either way.
I'll let you know later on what I decide to do and why.

Pants
Ja mein Fraulein - you must be wearing ze große knickers or you will be getting ze furry mouldy lumpen growing in ze fraulein parts. Vertrauen Sie, daß ich ich ein doktor bin.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 12:01 AM