Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Back in June I warned you about the imminent bunny boom threatening our very civilisation. Unceasingly, the Bignjuicy Research Agency has been, er, researching the phenomenon of Rabbit Repro. Their conclusion - in the news today - confirms my earlier suspicion: Rabbits are rampant and are increasing their numbers by 1% per year. At this rate we'll be overrun by the time I get my bus pass. Badgers are also busy bonking and have been stealthily populating remote bunkers all over the joint with their junior shaving brush babies. When TB finally unleashes the dogs of war - [ the Hounds of Doom having been banned and compulsorily DNA impounded along with David Blunkett's harem by then ] - the rabbits will be living under your bed, gnawing on your very incontinence pad - just remember, you read it here first.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:14 PM
Monday, November 29, 2004
On my TV. A message to you
2 tone Britain.
Tonight 11.00pm.
C4
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:00 PM
Sunday, November 28, 2004
I'm very worried.
A dangerous situation has developed here in Bignjuicyville. So dangerous, infact, that I hesitate to write about it. I thought it best, though, to share my concern as you, dear reader, may wish to act very promptly once you are aware. I urge you as soon as you've finished reading to equip yourself with the necessary and leave your home [ or internet cafe or moving vehicle for those of a wireless disposition ], proceeding immediately and without hesitation. Do not stop to collect your personal effects, there is no time to waste for this is surely a matter of life and death. Warning signs have been emerging for weeks and have now reached such a pitch that I can no longer stand idly by and watch. I am impelled to act before the ticking clock reaches metaphorical midnight and it is too late. My unease has grown as strange lights have appeared in the sky. My fellow Bignjuicyvillians have become obsessed and singularly fixated. It's become impossible to walk down the street and pretend. Such is the stridency of the multifarious messages I have been receiving from all quarters I must comply. I must shop for Xmas and I must shop good - I must empty my bank account, acquire and expire 0% cards aplenty and get retail. My house must be filled with cream, turkeys, smiling grannies and DVDs. I must roast, I must mash, I must carve, I must open pre-packed snackettes, I must tinsellate, I must greet, I must fest and seasonate, I need to be jolly, I need to get holly, vital for me to card everyone before they card me and above all I must dance for my life, rosy cheeked by the light of an open fire, with Jamie as my twinkly guest. All these things I must do - and fast - for if I don't surely my life will be over before it has begun.
Sob
Favourite Things
Linkage is mine - Jonathan Ive - thankyew Things.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:01 PM
Friday, November 26, 2004
What a complete waste of money. Idiotic twat uses mobile phone to take picture in court room. Gets arrested for contempt of court. Causes abandonment of trial. Gets locked up for sixth months. Is he really a danger to the public? Would not the money spent on his hearing and incarceration be better spent elsewhere whilst he does a million hours community service or summat? [ Froth foam, chews Daily Mail etc ]
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:48 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Bleedin eck. It's Thursday and I've written one post this week so far. Time flies when you're having fun. I'm busier now than I was when I had a job. It's true what retired people say. Only I'm not retired - yet. Somehow it feels like I have. No more getting up in the middle of the night for my daily commuter war session. No more office politics and feeling crap the whole time. No more achingly pointless meetings, "we don't need an agenda - I'll just let you argue amongst yourselves for a while and you can do what I want to do anyway" - how I loathed those meetings. Yes I feel like a different person - I just need to find one now...
The weather here in Bignjuicyville has been stunning.
Today was depressing tho. The sun set for the first time before 4pm. The daylight hours are getting shorter and shorter and will continue to do so for just under another month. We're heading into the black hole that is winter. Somehow I'm feelng it more acutely this year - I think it comes from having time to stand and stare - and I'm enjoying watching it unfold. Last night there was a temperature inversion which caused a band of fog about a metre high to cover the local park. Below the fog - which was about a metre off the ground you could see the grass and the view into the distance. Above the fog you could see the trees and the view into the distance. The fog layer was swirling around. It was just like a dry ice effect and not a little hollywood horror in character. I'm probably going to enjoy the bad weather more too as I'm not having to travel so much in it and I can observe it's more picturesque qualities and then retreat inside - we'll see. The thing I don't like about this time of year is the lack of light. The weather this week has been exceptional with sun most days but when the gloom descends it's dispiriting and no amount of cosy fireside stuff can make up for it. I'm wondering if I should relocate to the Bignjuicy overseas estate which is in warmer climes with longer days. Maybe Dracula will win the election and give me the excuse I need to bugger off.
Stung
I went to see Sting the other night. I don't care - I'm not ashamed - it's time to stand up and be counted - I like Sting's music. The concert was OK - a bit overamplified. He knows how to please the audience - most of his big hits and not too much 'here's a track from my latest album'. The concert was 9 months late - previously cancelled due to laryngitis [ you have to laugh - Sting, laryngitis geddit? ] - but it was worth waiting for. He plays well live - great quality in his voice and apart from an hysterical duet with an out of control backing singer every song was great. His current tour is mammoth and there was a sense that the performance was very polished - on stage on the hour - off stage at 10.30pm, 15 min encore then into the rainforest friendly helicopter and back to the mansion for a spot of tantric crochet. Ace light show with some really groovy video screen action. Intriguing that a large proportion of the visuals featured slinky 'tales of the unexpected' stylee chicettes writhing seductively to the music - he's a bit of a lad is our Gordon. My favourite track of the evening, totally unexpected as it's a bit obscure - brought a tear to my eye.
Great atmospheric review of the May Albert Hall concert here. Says it far better than I can.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
Monday, November 22, 2004
I'm not ashamed to admit it, I love IKEA. I'm now the proud owner of a vast, "I Can't believe it's Not Plastic", book case - it's called NÖRRIEGAFÅERT or summat like that.
It came in 58 different pårts. I nearly gave birth to my spleen trying to manoeuvre it out of the wårehouse into my cår - so heavy were the two enormous cardboard packages it came in. The IKEA assistant - [ there is only one ] - stood idly by staring at his feet as I skilfully stëëred my trølley the two miles to my car. I could see him watching me through binoculars and sneering as I unbolted the seats from my car and threw them into the bushes such was my blind determination to get those enormous boxes inside. High speed motorway driving with a 1.5 tonne box pressing into the back of your neck is not to be advised especially whilst listening to, "The very best of schooldisco.com - various artists". Not to worry. After some heavy allen key action I've installed about 80000 books on the NÖRRIEGAFÅERT and it's looking stunning - on the first floor. I estimate total weight to now be about 2 tonnes. The floor is making a worrying creaking noise tho. Bit worried it's going to go south for the winter. Journey to the Centre of the Lounge sort of thing. Was Jules Vërnë Swedish? I liked that song, "Mad World" mind you.
Juicy bits
When mutants have cybersex - it can be very funny indeed. Nice plums.
Tesco are leaders in retail design. Not.
400 people can't be wrong - he's normal.
Charmin - choose bog standard and save cash.freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:59 PM
(aka where the hell have you been you lazy get?)
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Excuses - True or False?
Reasons not to blog:
1. It's dark outside.
2. It's cold outside.
3. It's raining outside.
4. There's nothing to write about.
5. There's a good porno film on the telly. It's called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
6. The aardvarks need feeding. They are ravenous beasts and there aren't that many termites around at this time of year.
7. I've got to assemble that flatpack jacuzzi I bought at Lidl.
8. My oven needs de-coking. I've no time to blog.
9. I've got a fractured eyelash.
10. My telephone bill is too low and I need to use up my call allowance talking to premium rate sex lines.
11. My keyboard has gone mouldy.
12. My hard drive is making an annoying noise and I have to wear ear protectors. This is discouraging me from blogging.
13. I can't stop listening to Band Aid 20. I am immobilised by Justin's vocals.
14. My pet gerbil is ill with toxic gerbil syndrome - all my time is absorbed in tending to it.
15. The wallpaper in my bedroom contains nerve agent and my fingers are paralysed from late night wallpaper frottage.
16. I spent all night queuing up for an Ipod and got frostbite of the extremities.
17. My Ipod exploded rendering me incontinent.
18. I've been impounded by the intelligence services for subversive blogging.
19. I've risen too far above my station so need to have my pegs lowered by up to two.
20. I'm busy out on the roof performing a pet rescue on cutecat who has attempted to abseil without a rope down the back wall of my house.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:33 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium."
"Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can, don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance."
Heard it again on the radio earlier - makes you think I think.
MP3 available here here
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:58 PM
The Juicyaid 85 line-up
Monday, November 15, 2004
The stars have been gathering at the Bignjuicyville masonic bunker to record the 85th anniversary Juicyaid single, "Do they care we're has beens". Rob Gandalf, who is now a listed building, flew in from Guatemala for the occasion. "I'm fucking knackered you bastards", was his only comment to the assembled throng of journalists, fans and indifferent passersby on their way to Mogadonmart. Scores of celebrity vocalists arrived on the 10.22 no 23 Arriva bus which stops just down the road outside the bakers. They were immediately escorted inside to begin work on the historic recording. Bonio broke off from his tour of Greater Krakhausen to jetpack in and reprise his famous line, "Tonight thank God we're rich and you aren't".
The juicyaid lineup in full:
- only £59.99 available now and every Christmas unceasingly in perpetuity without end.
Exclusive download available here.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:49 PM
YawnThe juicyaid lineup in full:
- Fido
- Phono
- Bonio
- Justin Silvercrotch
- Lord Paul McCashregister
- Elvis
- Viscount Gandalf de Groucho
- Melissa Thong
- Boss Stoned
- Phil Tounge
- Daniel Bunkbed
- Natasha Bunkbed
- Mrs Bunkbed
- Mr Bunkbed
- Tiddles Bunkbed
- Ford Mondeo Bunkbed
- Mizz Semtex
- Linda Barking
- Huw Edwards
- Jenny Bond
- Prince William
- Breeder
- Fagash
- Robeee Chesthair n Gerri Shaggalot
- Noel Eyebrow
- Midge Mungo
- Laminate Llewellyn-Bongo
- Handy Andy
- Bill Collins
- Bill Bailey
- Jack Daniels
- Busty
- Crusty
- The Devine Launderette
- Lamelia
- Lobelia
- Lloret de Mar
- Morticia de Rayban
- Damien Barnconversion (serving Coke in a rubber apron)
- only £59.99 available now and every Christmas unceasingly in perpetuity without end.
Exclusive download available here.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:49 PM
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Band Aid 20.
Robbie Williams. I don't want to know about your inner pain - I've enough of my own.
Big Brother derivatives. Enuff with the two way mirrors and chavtestants.
Xmas.
All 650 thousand reasons to shop at Morrisons. They're cheap - that's all we want.
Craig Doyle. He's so twinkly I want to hit him.
The National Lottery. 10 years is enough OK?
Crap railways. Sell it to Germany. or France, or Japan.
The Pensions Crisis.
Prawn
"Great of you to log on to Boris Johnson's website. We are snowed under at the moment, but will be ready to resume later on this week with Boris's next posting. All comments options will be frozen in the meantime."
Now, there's one post that will be worth reading methinks.
It's a mystery to me why they don't want any comments ;)
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:46 PM
Saturday, November 13, 2004
The BT Tower - looking cool, all lit up in it's new rainbow colour scheme.
Marti Pellow and Robin Cook.
The new Scottish Parliament building at Holyrood.
Glowing golden leaves outside my kitchen window.
The Scottish Crown Jewels.
The Forth Rail Bridge from 20000 feet, all lit up - looking stunning.
Too many kilt shops.
Unfortunate gallery attendants compelled to wear unfortunate tartan troosers.
A rather beautiful Van Gogh painting of an orchard which I was able to stand about six inches from so I could see Vincent's brush strokes and charming signature.
A Leonardo drawing of a dogs foot.
A woman with orange hair wearing a yellow shirt and green tartan waistcoat and trousers plus three enormous poppies. I think she was going for the traffic light look.freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:25 PM
Friday, November 12, 2004
It's true what they say, you wait all day for a famous person to come along and then three turn up at the same time. So it was yesterday at Edinburgh airport. Minding my own business - [ it takes a lot of minding - unruly pup that it is ] - I was surprised and not a little thrilled to see Wet Wet Wet frontman, Marti Pellow walking towards me. Looking ever so slightly orange in a wholly wholesome and permatanned fashion, Marti was attempting to remain inconspicuous to the general public. His cunning choice of a red suit ensured this to be the case and only twenty four people in my immediate vicinity noticed him. I'm glad to report that Marti obligingly signed numerous autographs. For the security staff, for the people going through security, for the airline staff on the gate, for the toilet cleaner. Good to see the band reformed after a ten year break. Good to see that the other members were still trailing Marti anonymously. Good to see they're back in the chart. Which doesn't bring me to Robin Cook. Yon wee labour pixie was arriving hotfoot from London. He wasn't hanging around. Ex wife in the Guardian telling her dating agency story - Robin won't be signing autographs. Then Tony Hadley - at least I think it was him. Yes, it was all goin down at the 'burgh. More on that story later...
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:17 PM
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
It's amazing how much useful lingo you acquire when forced to communicate in a foreign country. Last week I went from knowing simply 'Grazie' to being able to make myself understood, albeit in a rudimentary fashion. Past experience has taught me that unless I practice these phrases on a regular basis they are quickly forgotten. I've therefore decided to record them here for future reference and for the benefit of my readership should any of you be planning a trip south at any stage.
You are gorgeous.
Siete gorgeous.
Kindly accompany me to my hotel room where I wish to do unspeakable things to you.
Accompagnilo gentilmente alla mia stanza dell'hotel in cui desidero fare le cose unspeakable a voi.
Do you have any Guinness?
Avete de Guinness?
OK two Camparis it is then.
OK due Camparis allora è.
Is this the way to the Sistine Chapel?
È questo il senso al capel di Sistina?
The Pope is my uncle you know.
Il papa è il mio zio che conoscete.
You have an unfeasibly large bottom.
Avete una parte inferiore unfeasibly grande.
No thankyou, I do not wish to purchase a dancing plastic tiny tears - even if you are from Somalia.
Nessun grazie, non desidero comprare le rotture molto piccole di plastica ballanti - anche se provenite dalla Somalia.
You mean your ancestors really were gladiators? My sister knows Russell Crowe's cleaner.
Significate che i vostri antenati realmente erano gladiators? La mia sorella conosce il pulitore di Russell Crowe.
Is that a cappuccino machine I can see in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
È quella una macchina che di cappuccino posso vedere in vostra tasca o siete soddisfatti appena di vederli?
I've got to go - I have to buy cashews and my aardvarks are hungry.
I've ha ottenuto andare - devo comprare gli anacardi ed i miei aardvarks sono affamati.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:48 PM
Monday, November 08, 2004
Back in Bignjuicyville after my Roman holiday and I pay a little visit to Mogadonmart to satiate my cashew cravings - intensified by a week of paninis, pizzas and vino rosso. The place has lost none of it's twilight weirdness in my absence. Taking a sharp left into aisle 3 I'm just in time to witness Lizzy performing an act of prolonged public flatulence. I make concerned eye contact with Mr Large who is also present, swinging a basket of discounted expired Kettle Chips [down to £1.11]. Lizzy then realises she's been rumbled rumbling and starts to offer embarrassed apologies to us both, explaining that the staff often do this sort of thing and that the lads she works with can "leave the place smelling like a cesspit". My immediate thought is to evacuate - I do a 180 and head for aisle 5 where I select a bottle of Sicilian Red (£3.99) by way of comfort and rekindling mediterranean memories. Yesterday: dining all'esterno overlooking a ruined Roman temple - tonight being farted on in a godforsaken supermarket in the East Midlands.
At the till, Brenda bounces up with her own shopping. Lynda is serving. Brenda is doing that teeth sucking thing. As I am paying and preparing to run out the door I can hear the Mogadon Minstrels have been updating their songbook - for there chirruping over the tannoy to a bontempi set on 'Latinbeat' we have that hot Destiny's Child number, "Bring the noise, make me lose my breath". Brenda plonks two packets of dried prunes and a scotchbrite on the counter.
The Romans invented sewers didn't they ?
Fred's gone
but he'll not be forgotten
he liked steam engines
and digging mineshafts in his back garden
he had three wives
and could knock down chimneys the old fashioned way
he wore a flat cap
and had a beautiful Lancashire accent
and a twinkle in his eye
I almost met him once
and he had very shiny shoes - always a sign of true class.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:29 PM
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Nothing like a bit of distance + language barrier to make you feel completely cut off from depressing reality of more rabid right wing madness from across the Atlantic. Still, George is on a mission from God so I guess we'd just get used to the idea of planetary destruction in our lifetimes. You can tell I've been to the Colosseum today can't you? There I was tastefully walking through the historic structure. Contemplating the deep n meaningfulness of it all when I am engulfed by a supersized flotilla of overnourished American tourists - one of them was called Betty Larkstone. I know this because she was wearing a large sticker on her left bosom - which was ample - that had 'Betty Larkstone' magic markered in inch high lettering on it. Betty's fellow Americans were similarly emblazoned and they meant business. Average age approximately 60, their baseball caps were tilted sharply forwards, their ample bosoms were purposefully marshalled and pointed due north. Their collective backsides contained enough material, pound for pound, to feed a small nation for a week. Don't linger over that image I beg you. Before offense is taken, before I am included on the Red List - let me make my point. I've long ago learnt that the breed I encountered today is atypical. Not one of Uncle Sam's proudest exports, American friends of mine look embarrassed at the description. Too much disposable income can be a bad thing. Betty Larkstone and her mates were blundering around the Colosseum talking very loudly amongst themselves, for the benefit of all within a 50 foot radius, about how awful the Roman Empire was, how cruel were their practices, how they were glad the world has changed. Struck was I on this day of defeat for sanity of the irony of it all. The ruins of an empire based on greed, self obsession, corruption and military oppression lay all around us. Time tells.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 4:36 PM
Monday, November 01, 2004
Have been a busy boy lately. Glasgow, London and now Rome. Hence the lack of blogflow - loads to write up in due course of course. Romans do know how to enjoy life. It's lunchtime and only the crazy tourists are out and about. The locals are having, believe it or not, lunch. Very difficult to find adrenaline filled queues of office workers at stressed out sandwich bars here. Instead everything shuts down for about 3 hours, they all head off to the nearest Trattoria for a 3 course and lashings of wine. Impossible to Get Anything Done nel senso Britannico but who cares when you've had Lunch. Yes, real Lunch. I'm off for mine shortly followed by a lie down in a darkened room very close to that celestial location above.
It's a rather stunning city. When it comes to civic design they are on another level entirely. When it comes to lunch and dinner they are on another level entirely. When it comes to arrogance they are on another level entirely. This, though, I forgive them - I am a Catholic after all - because they have style, they know how to live - they expect. I'm gushing a bit and I've not even had lunch yet. Anyway, seen this morning:
Large italian middle aged man in large black Mercedes with windows open driving down narrow cobbled street with Julio Iglesias track at full volume.
Horribly disfigured beggar + numerous other beggars at numerous locations.
One of the most beautiful public spaces on the planet - after midnight and lit up stunningly. They know how to do lighting here too.
Unbelievable numbers of beautiful beautiful classic buildings in various states of crumbliness.
Unbelievable numbers of beautiful beautiful Italian people.
A commune of feral cats hanging out a Roman ruin - as they do - they're protected by law.
La Dolce Vita - in many forms.
Ok better be off - there's a 3 course with my name on it not far from here.
Arrivederci per ora!
PS: The aardvarks are in kennels - they'll be finishing their tale belatedly within the month.
PSS: In case you were wondering - the weather is on another level too.
freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:41 PM