Big n juicy

HM Government

UK Citizenship ceremony
Offical guidance

Venue
The venue must be a setting appropriate to the conduct of the ceremony of UK citizenship.
A poorly decorated church hall, out of town DIY store, inner city crack house or motorway service station are all good choices. Venues unique to regional localities may also be chosen; eg: Former internment camps, disused coalmines, nuclear power plants, highland shepher huts or low cost regional airports - all have a unique place in UK society and are thus good choices also.

The venue should be equipped with the following:
1. Large format poster of Tony Blair.
2. Blu-Tak to affix poster to wall of venue.
3. Tape player (purchased from Argos).
4. Tape recording, tracks to be included:
Eastenders theme (Simon May Ensemble)
Greensleaves (Karaoke version - For use in England)
Donald where's yoor troosers (Billy Connolly - For use in Scotland)
Bread of Heaven (Max Boyce - For use in Wales)
Things can only get better (D Ream - For use in Northern Ireland and Islington)
Congratulations (Sir Cliffe Richard - Bhangra Mix)
4. Folding table.
5. Union flag tablecloth.
6. Supply of protect and survive leaflets.
7. Black bin liners for collection of post ceremony litter.
8. Job seekers allowance claim forms.

Celebrant: All rise.

All the aspiring citizens present will stand while the theme music from Eastenders is played

Celebrant: Dear friends and asylum seekers we are gathered here today/this evening/this lunchtime/in despair (delete as appropriate) to assume the rights and responsibilities - [ the celebrant will glance meaningfully at the TB poster at this point ] - of United Kingdom citizenship. This is a step not to be taken with a pinch of Maldon Sea Salt. If any person present does not know who Jonny Wilkinson is could s/he now leave the room and make their way to the front desk for re-programming. Pause for departures.

I will now ask those present to respond and make a series of pledges - the response in each case is "I do"

Celebrant: Do you promise to discuss the weather with a stranger at least once a week?
Citizen: I do

Celebrant: Do you pledge to eat fish and chips on Fridays?
Citizen: I do

Celebrant: Do you promise to strive for a consumer lifestyle fuelled by unsustainable debt and dodgy ringtones?
Citizen: I do

Celebrant: Do you pledge to follow the plotline of at least one televison soap opera for the rest of your life?
Citizen: I do

Celebrant: Do you pledge to undertake one of the following regularly:
a. Car boot sale
b. National Trust visitation
c. DIY
?

Citizen: I do - a b or c

Celebrant: Having made your pledges we now come to the final part of the ceremony, the oath of allegiance. Please face the picture of Tony Blair and repeat after me.

I will talk proper English and try to fit in with my neighbours.
I do solemnly swear that I will obey all laws commands and dictates of our leader - for he has lovely teeth.
I promise to pay the bearer on demand.
I love Queen Brenda and will keep a picture of her in my house - I will pray for her in my own way.
I will not drop litter or play loud music.
I recognise that this oath may be recorded for training purposes and that I may be deported if I do not keep up repayments to my trafficker.

Celebrant: That concludes our ceremony. You are now citizens of the United Kingdom. Please leave quietly so as not to disturb the neighbours - place your litter in the black bin liners by the door.

All the citizens will then depart whilst 'Congratulations' is played. Other regional music may follow

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:27 PM

There's something very satisfying about a nice big n juicy pie. The combination of crisp yet yielding pastry, melting in the mouth - and luscious tasty filling is hard to beat. Most folks who don't eat meat seem to have one particular meat type thing that they miss. For many it's bacon. This is certainly one of mine - I do miss that smoky salty intense flavour of bacon sometimes. I also miss pork pies. Now this may sound like anathema from a citizen of vegetaria but I can't help myself. It's not something I care to conceal any longer. In my previous life as a carnivore the pork pie was an essential staple in my nutritional landscape. Rated at a handy million calories per serving with 120% saturated fat content they are a vital comestible for anyone needing a complete meal in one. Just the thing for a handy lunchtime snack, a fill-me-up for supper or a post pub piefest. I'd better stop before I cave.

Anyway these days the only pie action I get is of the sweet variety - [ vegetable pies are shite ]. I'm especially partial to warm cherry pie with a dollop of fresh cream. If it involves almonds as well then it starts to border on sexual. It was no surprise then to read today that Bignjuicyville is smack bang in the middle of the nation's pie-eating capital according to a new survey. Reading like a Viz feature this survey puts those lilly livered Londoners bottom of the pie munching league with just 1 in 5 eating a weekly pie. [ More sun dried polenta darling? ] The Scots are third, East Angular second with Yorkshire and Humberside fourth and fifth. I have to say the results were surprising. Those Kwik Save boffins that carried out the survey found that of the 1,282 people surveyed chicken and mushroom was the nation's favourite filling. Personally I always found this a little slimy and preferred Minced Beef. [ God it's all so pre-BSE here today aint it? ]. Saturday is apparently the most popular day for eating pies - [ never let it be said I don't write topical posts ]. Men preferred chips with their pies while women went for mash. "It's fantastic to see that the great British pie is holding its own and standing firm as a national favourite at meal times", says Kaptain Kwiksave. And would you believe it they've got a special on mini Melton Mowbrays at the moment.
~Twitch~

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:18 PM

My first is in Natasha but not in Hamilton
My second is in Wildenstein but not in Jocelyn
My third is in Pamela but not in Anderson
My fourth is in Tori and also in Spelling
My fifth is in Christina but not in Aguilera
My sixth is in Posh but not in Becks
My eighth is in Jordan but not in Egypt
My ninth is in Rivers but not in Joan

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:53 PM

A four hour journey home tonight has left me in need of resuscitation. Hence a minimal posting I'm afraid.
If you are in Britain you may have noticed that large parts of the country have stopped functioning. Seems to be due to some snowfall. Not that it ever snows here of course. What with our usually tropical weather and all. Caught us all completely by surprise. No warnings, no weather forecasts, no wall to wall media coverage for the last week. Can't understand it myself...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:58 PM

Steaming
Brilliantly atmospheric shots of steamy New York streets over at Satan's Laundromat. I badly need to go back - not keen on the whole visa shennanigans tho.

Doomed
Did you get caught by the w32/Doomed virus?
I did - and pesky it is I can tell ya. God knows what I've emailed to people without knowing - I've certainly had some very weird ones coming in this direction. If you add up all the human effort expended on fixing this and other malicious computer problems it would probably be enough to achieve something amazing - like find intelligent life in George W - or cure Cancer. Aside from bunging the perpetrator in jail I wonder if he - (no sexism here but I bet it's a bloke) - could be subverted into some socially beneficial activity. How about a virus that forces it's victims to give to charity in order to get it removed?

Anyway - if you need to remove this little bugger from your PC - try this from Sophos - works a treat. Download the MYDOOGUI cleaner and then run it - remembering to tick the scan all files option on the configuration tab. If you're running a network - best call Ghostbusters and go on an extended holiday.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:00 PM

Quick as a parrot
N'kisi the African Grey Parrot is one clever little birdy who is opening the minds of scientists to the cognitive abilities of animals. The major reason for this is that N'kisi can speak - after a fashion. Humour, context, tenses, and verbal invention shown by the parrot have opened a fascinating window into how animals perceive the world - and us. More reason for us to take animals and their welfare far more seriously than we do.

Rover - sick as pup
The problems with the Spirit Mars rover may be due to 'too many computer files' according to reports.
I am actively checking out rumours that the Rover is running a bootleg copy of Microsoft Windows XP and that the recent message received from the surface of Mars was actually,

"This rover has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
If the problem persists, contact the program vendor."

Need I say more at this stage?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:28 PM

The Museuem of London is a curious place. Smack bang in the City of London situated in what seems to be a sort of elevated concrete traffic roundabout. At least from the outside anyway. So it was when I came to visit for the first time last weekend to see the latest exhibition there, '1920s: the decade that changed London'.

The museum building is deceptive. Despite it's unpromising exterior it is very roomy and modern inside. Albeit in a tarted up 1970s bare concrete and ceramic tile Barbican Centre kind of way. Upon entering, a charming flapper greets you and beckons you to see the 1920's show. The people who work here are among the friendliest museum staff I've ever encountered. Nothing seemed to be too much trouble - very impressive and refreshing when so many of the public facing staff you encounter in London can be a bit backward when it comes to helping you. Anyway - onto the exhibition proper. They are using location sensitive audio guides that you get free when you enter. Hidden radio beacons in the exhibition space are detected by the gizmo you wear around your neck as you move through the displays. Your headphones play you some erudite commentary about the objects around you. All very clever but I found it was pretty incompatible with my usual swanning technique. No sooner would I be listening to a detailed exposition of The British Empire, say - when I would have swanned off in the direction of A K2 telephone box; the commentary juddering abruptly and trying to keep up. Great technology - but I think it's aimed at less frenetic visitors than I.

There is a rich collection of exhibits in this show - some of which are very special indeed. An elevator removed from the Selfridges store in Oxford Street can be seen as you enter. All gold and bronze deco detail - it's a splendid centrepiece. The Jazz age in London was marked by many American imports. The Charleston, talking pictures and American style retail therapy - in the form of the Selfridges department store. I'd not previously known that Gordon Selfridge, the founder, was a Chicago man. I remember seeing the grand department store buildings in the Loop in downtown Chicago when I was there a few years ago - very similar in style to the grand Selfridges building. Funny how long it takes to make connections sometimes isn't it?

What I enjoyed most about the show was learning how transforming this period was for ordinary Londoners. A great energy and buzz, accelerated, no doubt, by the post WW1 boom - seemed to take over the city. Telephones, television, private cars and wirelesses - all began their steady growth into mass ownership items during this period. There was some great film footage of a bus ride through central London from the drivers viewpoint - fantastic. A very covetable collection of early telephones and an actual sample of the Eric Gill carvings from St James Park Station I wrote about back in April last year. A very atmospheric show; watch out for the impromptu performance from Jazz Age Annie and check out the weirdness that was the Kibbo Kift - [ and you thought Jacko was wacko ]. Show closes on 18th July 2004 - well worth a visit if you are in London and have a few hours to spare. Don't miss too the Lord Mayor's coach just around the corner from the exhibition - see if you can work out how they get it out of the Museum for the annual Lord Mayor's Show.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:48 PM

It's all going to kick off next week. We'll be tuning into ITV avidly to pick up on the latest goings on from the jungle with ower Ant and ower Dec. Yes it's that time again - time for, "I'm a fading minor blip on the entertainment circuit - boost my profile and I'll eat maggots for you". Stars such as Diane Modahl, Alex Best, Lord Charles Brocket and Neil 'Razor' Ruddock will be beamed into our homes dressed only in Gucci fatigues and insect repellent. Which brings me to Peter Andre; greaseball steroid boy - now running a bar in Cyrpus. How I've longed to see Peter's six pack again after it went into premature retirement in the nineties when it decided to grow a lard overcoat. By far and away the most exciting prospect though has to be Jennie Bond. Jennie who has "recently opted for a quiet life in rural Devon with her family and ponies" [ NO NOT CAMILLA ] will be joining the stars to rough it in the jungle. Yes indeed, I am looking forward to hearing her tales of life with the royals - just before she is compelled to plunge her head into a perspex box full of Peter Andre grubs or eat Ant and Dec's rancid leftover thongs.

Linkage...
...is mine from two enigmatic sources. Thanyou muchly - I've always wanted to be described as a he-man. [ he he ]

Rolling
My three wheels have been joined by a fourth following my trip to Mr Fixit's last week. Reassuringly the whole car is now going to the same place as me when we are out and about together. Surprisingly low cost too given the life threatening nature of the malaise.

Flushed with success
Judging by the number of hits I've been receiving since I dared to mention, 'colonic irrigation in Glasgow, [ There I've done it again ] - there is an untapped market [ If I could describe it as such ] for this service - not only in the Clydeside metrolops but also further afield; the furthest enquiry thus far being from the 'eastern US'. [ thinks: could I....could I really give up my present life and become.....the internet's first mobile online colonic consultant?.....clicks to domains r us and checks out availability of www.colondirect.com ]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:51 PM

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:41 PM

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:14 PM

What time is it? - yawn

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:30 AM

Interesting start to the day when I find out that one of the front wheels of the car is pointing in a different direction to the other one. Only trouble is I find this out having pulled over after driving fifteen miles with increasing concern about the weird handling of the car. In spite of not being mechanically inclined even I know that both wheels should ideally be pointing in the same direction at the same time.

So I drive v e r y s l o w l y - back to base and exchange my defective jalopy for a spare I happen to have lying around, [ as you do ] - only trouble is the spare does not want to start because it's been lying idle for several weeks. Thus - call the fourth emergency service. Only trouble is they can't find me. Their 'GPS system is down' - so Mr Emergency is having to go to a local garage to buy a streetmap because, 'Bignjuicyville is not my area - I was only passing through'. I know this because he is talking to me on his mobile phone whilst I am trying to give him directions to my non-starting spare jalopy. Mr Emergency finally arrives after frantic hand signals from me from afar whilst still talking to him on the mobile. Good job he didn't understand semaphore. He turns out to be an enthusiast who simply loves my spare jalopy and swears he's seen it on telly. Mesmerised by the surreality of the whole morning thus far I engage in merry banter about the benefits of galvanised chassis' and will him to get the bleedin thing started.

3 hours later I finally get to work wishing I had stayed in bed instead.
Only trouble is I won't be able to do that tomorrow as I'm getting up before I go to bed so I can deliver my three wheeler to Mr Fixit the garage man - he keeps a stock of fourth wheels.

I'm thinking that this week is Breakdown Week.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:54 PM

It's now 58 years since the second world war ended. Somehow, as a nation we are obsessed with this war. Endless films, TV dramas, comedy shows, documentaries and now a bleedin parrot attest to seemingly endless capacity to revel in the fact that 'we won the war'. Visiting Berlin a couple of years back I walked past one of the many sites associated with the Nazi era and found large numbers of British tourists hanging out there. What I find interesting is how even generations unborn at the time have an appetite for all this stuff. This goes beyond remembrance - I think it's unhealthy. If anyone can explain it I'd be very interested.

The gas man cometh...
and my ass is now thawing out nicely. Having replaced my circuit boards I now have heat and water that is above zero. How luvverly it is to have a bath and scrub my rancid armpits to within an inch of their lives.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:15 PM

Not doing too well today.
Central heating packed up, microwave gone kaput, car behaving very strangely when going round corners.
That's three bad things that have happpened. Surely this must mean that at least one good thing is now due?
Gas man says if he can't fix my problem with the spare parts he's ordered then I may need a new boiler. This is an interesting approach to fault finding. ie '"I can't work out what's wrong so best we throw the whole lot away and replace it with a new one. Kerching! £1000 please."
I DON'T THINK SO
So let's think this through. Say my car goes wrong - [ bad example given the way it's behaving at the moment ] - and I take it to a mechanic who doesn't know enough about the problem to fix it. Does he then say, "Better scrap it and get a new one" ? I think not. The trouble with modular electronic things is that so few people know how to fix things anymore. It's all, 'what does it say in the procedures manual? Try A > if A fails try B > if B fails try C > if C fails chuck it away and sting em for a new one'. Looks like I may be casting around for a boiler electronics expert soon. sigh
Meanwhile my ass is frozen - bigtime.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:15 PM

Here's what recent visitors have been looking for:

Search term	drD's advice
dodgy houses in romford	I suggest a chat with Dwayne from Slumulike in the High Street - Estate Agents to the Romford elite.
colonic irrigation milton keynes	Correct, MK is going down the toilet.
wombles photograph	Try here.
bigger penis tablets in england	Hmm - what makes you think our tablets are bigger than yours? Is this really a case of tablet envy? remember, the other man's pill is always smaller.
fizz in yellow outfits	Uh oh - thought I said not to mention watersports - I blame D*****s.
carol vorderman bum arse	Cheeky!
witch wands that cost 50p	May I recommend a trip to ValueWitch? - at a blog near you.

Give em what they want...it's the only way...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:29 PM

There's a BBC trailer being shown at the moment that features Rodin's, The Kiss. Controversial when first unveiled, the sculpture continues to exert fascination in the viewer with each generation adding their own interpretation of it's meanings. [ Me, I think it's dead sexy ]. Rodin was a master of the portrayal of human emotion in his work and reinterpreted the medium of classical sculpture for the modern era. When I was a student I went to Paris and visited the Rodin Museum where I spent a hot August afternoon amongst his works. The museum is housed in Rodin's former residence and is a delightful place to go; a place of repose, grace and style where you can be transported into a world of passion, elegance and emotion. [ Ooh - hark at him ] I think it's one of my Favourite Places in the World and I remember sitting in the garden sipping a pre-benzine Perrier and drinking in the heady atmosphere too. Round the corner from my reverie stood The Gates of Hell, considered a masterwork. The massive bronze doors are alive with figures representing almost every facet of human experience and emotion. Atop sits The Thinker, in eternal comtemplation. I was taken back to this today when I was considering how I don't often give myself time to think about deep stuff any more - it's a bit like I 'don't want to go there'. Interesting this - my brain is trying to tell me something I think.

Lol
"There will be no room for giant rubber slugs and furry-suited yetis"
And there was me hoping for a reappearance of the bubble wrap monster in the new Dr Who series

Plonkett

You wake up and you receive a phone call telling you that Shipman has topped himself. Then you have to think for a minute is it too early to open a bottle??
The Right Honourable David Blunkett MP
The dignity of the Her Majesty's Secretary of State for the Home Department is upheld once more.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:02 PM

Those quiz answers!
Rocky Robin - he's left the building due to lack of interest.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 4:32 PM

Should I attend a social event because I feel it's expected of me? I know the people that will be there are not the people I want to spend time with and my guess is that the feeling is mutual. There's a sense of obligation on us all from some historic loyalty to a cause which formerly brought us together many years back. If I stay away I may be burning some bridges but I'm not sure if that bothers me - I think it should. What to do?

Lol
"Our most wanted list is headed by the notorious Apollo moonrock thieves 'Armstrong' and 'Aldrin'. Never doubt our unfliching resolve to avenge the unprovoked geological attacks of 1969."
geezertastic

Winter Quiz - only one more day!

Rocky Robin - he say:

1. What date did 'sun stand still' last year? Clue: 'Sun = Sol' - geddit?
2. XX in 760 days time - where? Clue: It happens every four years
3. Name Felix Bernard's 'conspiracy' from 1934? Clue: This was performed memorably by Chris on Pop Idol
4. On whose album did the The hounds of winter follow him down? Clue: Wasps do this
5. On what Saints day would you send a card to your Welsh lover ? Clue: I can't be bothered to think of a clue for this one - look here for the answer
6. Why would Daphne be especially welcome at this time of year? Clue: Daphne is green
7. "But they shall gleam with spiritual glinter" - Name that Poet. Answered correctly by Diamond Geezer
8. Which German artist made the painting, a detail of which is shown above? It now hangs in the National Gallery London? Clue: look here
9. Schnorbitz was a famous pooch - who was his owner? Answered correctly by Zed
10. A song containing the word 'Winter' has never reached number one in the UK charts - what is the highest position reached by such a song and who was the artist? - Answered correctly by Diamond Geezer

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:58 PM

It's snowing in Bignjuicyville

Nice people
Today I met some very nice people. They went out of their way to be helpful to me. They didn't have to give me their time but they did - and they did it with humour and good grace. And I'm struck when people are like this at the goodness that exists in this world, every day. Somewhere someone is being good to someone else. Just thought I'd mention that.

Rocky Robin - he say:

For those interested in collies it's here

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:00 AM

As a purer than thou individual how happy am I to be working class when I
read of the scandalous behaviour of Britain's middle classes:
Not paying VAT
Keeping the money after being given too much change
Stealing from the workplace
Not owning a TV licence
Fraudently using an ID card
Overclaiming insurance
Getting a friend to waive a fine
Accepting a refund when it’s not warranted
Not disclosing faulty goods when selling them second-hand
Benefit fraud
shocking

Rocky Robin - he say:

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 12:20 AM

[ aaagh! ]

I've long lamented the slow and stealthy destruction of our architectural heritage that is the 'replacement window' business. Living in a Victorian house for the last ten years or so I've had to endure an endless stream of twenty-somethings in bad polyester suits, often smoking, banging on my door at all hours to offer me the gift of UPVC windows. Usually at some mental price that would pay for a smallholding in Orkney. Incredulous are their stares when I decline the 'offer', always throwing in a cheery, "I hate plastic windows", for good measure.

About 5 years ago I had some doors made for my house to lead out to the back garden. I got three quotes for the work, as you do. All but one of the builders I contacted automatically assumed I would want the doors made from UPVC. The last of these, when I said "no thanks - there's enough plastic in the world" grudgingly admitted, "Yeah - I spose you're right". Music to my ears then today to read this. People are finally waking up to the realisation that plastic windows suck. Not only do they look terrible; monster alien material all shiny and gleaming even after a nuclear attack. They'll only last forty years if you're lucky. Now, grumpy old man that I'm rapidly becoming - I think that's bad. My house is over a hundred years old and it still has it's orginal windows. I've lovingly repaired them, scraping out all the old loose putty, filling in all the rot excavations. Undercoating and painting them and now they are looking splendiferous in all their classic Victorian glory. Walk along my road and there is only one other house with it's original windows. The rest have all been defaced with the unmentionables. I know nobody wants to spend what little daylight we get repairing sash windows. I know you don't have to paint UPVC. I know they are quieter and warmer and they make you more attractive to prospective partners. I don't care - they look plain nasty. Mark my words - in a few years they'll all be being ripped out. Remember artex? UPVC windows are the artex of our era.
Most hideously misguided of all is the UPVC front door - complimented beautifully by a moulded plastic doorframe. You too can have a front door that looks and acts like a badly fitting airlock on a spaceship bought from Argos.
[ sorry n all if you have plastic windows already - it's never too late to change. If you're thinking of getting them please please don't I beseech you ]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:31 PM

Out for a lovely winter forest walk earlier - admiring the beautiful colours. Grey green lichens, juicy green mosses, chocolate brown trees and a lovely powder blue sky. Robins, chaffinches, rabbits and squirrels. I've come over all wintertastic - so here's a little quiz to try. Max of two answers per personne - round up on Friday.

1. What date did 'sun stand still' last year?
2. XX in 760 days time - where?
3. Name Felix Bernard's 'conspiracy' from 1934?
4. On whose album did the The hounds of winter follow him down?
5. On what Saints day would you send a card to your Welsh lover ?
6. Why would Daphne be especially welcome at this time of year?
7. "But they shall gleam with spiritual glinter" - Name that Poet.
8. Which German artist made the painting, a detail of which is shown above? It now hangs in the National Gallery London?
9. Schnorbitz was a famous pooch - who was his owner?
10. A song containing the word 'Winter' has never reached number one in the UK charts - what is the highest position reached by such a song and who was the artist?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:44 PM

Those pesky NASA dudes thought they could hide it from us by crude photoshop manipulation.
However, at great personal risk [ I'm fearing a knock on the door any minute ] I bring you the missing picture segment they didn't want you to see [ below right ].

Yes, it's the good old Beagle2, intergalactic wok, as made in Milton Keynes and this picture proves it got to Mars first - and all for only 50p! And months ahead of the 9 billion dollar warp assisted US effort. I am - for reasons of taste and decency - prevented from revealing the rest of the picture which clearly shows the dismembered remains of the energiser bunny which is now known to be Beagle2's power source and must have suffered horribly on rearentry.

I'm being watched
And very nice it is too - especially when the watcher has such a delightfully readable blog as this nice lady.

lol
"I have a large 'knot' in my buttock which means my arse is stressed"
Zed gets deep heated down under.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 8:26 PM

Watching with interest 'Shattered' - the current Channel 4 sleep deprivation gameshow.
It's had mixed reviews and has been the subject of a recent field trip by our intrepid on the spot reporter.
No London Underground features in this one - I think
Spawned from the Big Brother family - there is that unnerving feeling you get when you meet a long lost relative for the first time. They look familiar - but they're a stranger. You feel like you know a lot about them - but their reaction to you only reinforces the strange sense of distance between you. So it is with Shattered. Many of the signature Big Brother elements are there: Brightly lit house/set, groovy retro styling ( 2001 meets Habitat in this case ), chummy host - for it is he:

there is the outdoor space - a micro-patio just big enough to strew some dog ends, innumerable contestant challenges (some of which demonstrate spectacular innumeracy), darkened antichamber with chummy host and assembled friends / family.
It's all a bit 'you decide'.

Only you don't in this case. They sort of bring it upon themselves by being incapable of staying awake or concentrating sufficiently on the challenges and thereby risking elimination from the £100k contest. There are constant shots of people yawning, looking bored, looking like they want to sleep and actually sleeping (yes). Whenever they get so bored/tired/psychotic that they resort to banging their heads on the padded walls or throwing water at each other the cameras zoom in as if to prove 'this can be exciting telly'. Sadly not exciting but quite interesting - I think. And controversial - as those who have been victims of torture are beginning to say. It's also attracted a fair degree of flak from those who suffer from sleep disorders for making entertainment of their affliction.

The late night slot, the disjointed sequencing [ night and day is immaterial here - it's just one endless airport lounge hell ], the familiar yet strange quality. The air of unreality. The endless yawning. They all give this viewer a feeling of wanting to sleep - a respite from the relentlesness of it all. Whether this is intentional would be a guess. I'm finding 'Shattered' to be a great substitute for Horlicks. I may well wait for the highlights video to be remaindered and get one to watch when I need to take my mind off the in-bed construction project.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 1:42 PM

- is not well. He will be back as soon as the mucous abates. sniff

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:46 PM

Doomwatch
Now here's a man with a job title to die for:
'Architect for the Doom', Alan Wright.
Sounds like a bundle of fun.

Search update
These searches just in:

1.how to treat big adams apple

2.most serious row noddy big ears

3.spellbindingly incontinent

4.at what age should boys wear thongs?

5.colonic irrigation in glasgow

1. I recommend a non-interventionist approach - experiment with polonecks, a beard to distract attention - that sort of thing. There is an operation I hear but you don't want to go there believe me.
2. The whole noddy/bigears scenario appears to be worstening - expect a pre-emptive strike from PC Plod anytime now - or at least an annulment.
3. This is worrying - there is a definite element of fixation going on here - I suggest counselling - together with a bulk order of paddipads.
4. 85:Peter Stringfellow - I rest my case - mullet optional.
5. What is going on in Glasgow? It used to be a simple straightforward place. I'd cut back on the deep fried Mars Bars and try eating a few more apples. Failing that a trip to B&Q might be in order.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:30 AM

Microsoft are trying to raise much needed funds by providing a cheap tacky add-on to their ubiquitous and annoying MSN Messenger service. Called 'weemees' - obviously in ignorance of the cross cultural implications of British people urinating on themselves or preferably Microsoft - the Austin Powers ripoff is charged at £1.50 a shot and you don't get a white pussy to stroke menacingly either. As cheap tacky add-ons go it's slightly less irritating than 'Clippy' - the unbearably helpful Microsoft Office Assistant - but only marginally so.
One of my most favourite MS Office features is reproduced below - borrowed from Linux Gazette from where more can be seen.

Strangely my own weemee spontaneously downloaded itself free of charge complete with free pint of Guinness - that's what I call personalised marketing.
Don't mention watersports - it could all get nasty

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 4:25 PM

Having recently decided that the duvet was in need of a seasonal irradiation at the dry cleaners - the spare is now in use. The main duvet is stuffed with the remains of about three thousand geese. This has always struck me as an incongruous bed covering for one who professes to be animal friendly. There's nowt so friendly as sleeping under the remains of some dead birds is there? The unfortunate tendency of dust mites to set up home among the remains makes for a truly disgusting mental image that I am actively trying to suppress even as I type. I'm sure that my recent nostril control issues are connected with this. Too much information? probably - but I'll go on - you know you want me to.The realisation that I have been sleeping under a layer of this stuff for a number of months is giving me waking nightmares. Thankfully the miracle that is hollowfibre has changed all that. No longer does the layer of bird remains and - dust mites have to be shaken to hell and back to redistribute it every day. I've just had the horrible realisation that the dust mite colony have probably been moving all the feathers around constructing their equivalent of Milton Keynes over my prone form every night only to suffer a daily earthquake when I do my shake n vac routine. Small wonder they haven't moved out long ago in search of a more stable living environment. Like my mattress perhaps? [ shudder ] So the spare is proving to be better than the main event. Snuglier, lighter, warmer and best of all - wildlife free - in more than one sense. The only problem now is what happens when the main duvet comes back? - a sack full of slightly fresher feathers mixed with the dead remains of the former inhabitants of duvetville. Will it be possible to sleep under it again, knowing what I now know?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:16 PM