drD Dancing
Big n juicy - modern musings mediated - est 2003


 

 

ashley
birdy
buttery
damo
drubadub
fishy
jb
jetty
leafy
laP
marky
pammy
tadej
timmy
tristan
twisty
witchy
zoe
 

drD's essential guide to modern knowledge


Thursday, October 30, 2003



Tomorrow in part 2 of BnJOL we head south. Postings may be a little sporadic for the next few days but I'm keeping notes and next week plenty of fleshing out to do...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:56 PM  


Wednesday, October 29, 2003

The Urbis Building
The Triangle - No not the crappy seventies soap opera
Northern Quarter near death experience.
My office block hotel
Robert Maxwell's empire reinvented as a pub crawl mecca
Queer goings on in the park.

So much to write about and so little time to write it - more on these stories later

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 5:52 PM  


Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Day 2 of BnJOL and I find myself doing a bit of aimless wandering round the city. Well not quite aimless but carefree. First stop after a serious coffee infusion is the remodelled Manchester Art Gallery. I remember this as a dark uninviting poky little den of a place, all dark rooms and dusty glass cases. Michael Hopkins and Partners have transformed it, taking in the neighbouring Athaneum building and providing a linking atrium. Now tripled in size, it is full of light and life - the Made in Manchester gallery was particularly engaging with excellent use of works in traditional and digital media too. The building is really really good with well thought out circulation - cool toilets [ always a good sign ] and above all beautiful honest design. The central glass and steel atrium is exquisitely detailed with stunning juxtaposition of the original stone facades of the buildings and the new structure. The intricately cantilevered stair and lift stucture is a joy and I spent nearly half my time just marvelling at this alone - sad I know.


Click for larger image

A bleak, harsh and unforgiving landscape, distorted metallic forms under leaden skies, reflected in black water and drained of all colour but for a single red poppy. So was my first glimpse of Daniel Liebeskind's building for Imperial War Museum of North. I'm going to write a bit more about this in a while but suffice it to say for now it's a building you should visit - it works on all kinds of levels - [ pun intended ]


"You're flicking ash on him Beverley"
Yesterday it was the eighties. Tonight a revisit to the seventies with a trip to The Lowry to see Abigails Party. This reminds me a bit of The Rocky Horror Show. The TV production, starring Alison Steadman, is such a classic [ top 20 in the BFI's all-time top 100 British television programmes ] - when Abigail, played here by Lizzie McInnery, opens the show with her sexy 'Love to love you baby' dance I wanted to stand and applaud such was the anticipation of delights to come. A great set - full of carefully sourced brown and orange seventies furniture and the obligatory sparkly fibre light provides the pefect backdrop for Beverley, Ange, Tony, Sue [ marooned mother of the unseen Abigail ] and ill fated Laurence [ ex Bill actor, Huw Higginson ] to play out their excruciating surburban tableau.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:46 PM  


Monday, October 27, 2003



Sir Dicky Branson provides the means and drD provides the cash. Whooshed northwards, [ signal problems at Macclesfield permitting ] we are transported inexorably towards sunny Manchester. A Virgin Voyager is my vehicle of choice and Stewart, my train manager, does an entertaining line in half baked public address patter - forgetting, mid announcement, what he was wanting to say and 'pulling it round' quickly at the end.
eg "Ladeesangennelmen, we regret to announcethat teascoffeesandliderefreshments will not be available from the shop ...inexplicable pause... we will be shortly arriving in Stockport - please have your tickets ready as barrier services are available at this station" [ Cue perplexed looks from customers...for we are passengers no more on the Virgin Voyager...but customers bound for galaxies as yet unexplored ]

Today the city is illuminated softly from behind grey clouds wafted inland from the Irish Sea and massing menacingly to the north. I come prepared with acres of snap-on Goretex accessories which can be deployed at a moments notice to keep out the driving rain and constant drizzle beloved of Mancunians. Dampness was the foundation of modern Manchester with cotton fibre more pliable and abundant water power, later steam, to drive those massive mills many of which now sell as 'Lifestyle Apartments' for the upwardly mobile.

Stepping from the train into the seriously impressive and remodelled Piccadilly Station [ where are those cardboard ticket huts we used to love in the eighties? ] and a close encounter with actress Jean Alexander [ pictured above ], fondly remembered as Hilda Ogden and now seen often as Auntie Wainwright in Last of the Summer Wine. Jean was waiting anonymously behind a pillar as I nearly sent her flying whilst looking upwards at the soaring glass station roof. Thrilling to quite literally bump into one of my all time fave characters on my first visit to Madchester in many years.

A quick walking tour of the city centre and my memories of the place are confounded. Grimy and tired streets and most pointedly THE ARNDALE CENTRE [ famously described by Stuart Hall - madman of It's a Knockout fame - as the 'biggest public toilet in the Northern Hemisphere' ] - all transformed. They are actually demolishing parts of the centre; no doubt to make way for some gleaming new edifice of which there already many that have been put up since last I was here.

The IRA bombing of 1996 and the Commonwealth Games have served Manchester well and there are many fine new buildings I'm looking forward to seeing before I leave. The city has a confident feel about it; trams whizz past, there are swanky shops, there is a lively arts scene and my alma mater is gearing up for world domination. Tonight I'm off to relive the eighties with some post-Thatcherite reconstituted shoulderpads. It's then back to my office block accommodation for a night of unbridled sleep.



This post should have appeared Monday...I always find it helps if you untick the 'draft' box before publishing...duh...anyway more from Madchester v.soon

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 4:33 PM  

Off for a bit soon
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I've been busy packing today as tomorrow is the first day of

Come back then for a report from higher lattitudes:
Find out how I fare on Dicky's chariot.
What's it like to stay in a city centre office block?
What time does it get dark oop north?
All this and more from tomorrow - bet you can't wait.
I know I can't.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:46 PM  

Starry starry night
Saturday, October 25, 2003


You sometimes forget to look up when you're caught up in the the preoccupations of everyday life. I often make a point of looking up as I'm walking around - trying not to bump into people and passing lamposts. You see all sorts of interesting things. I'm especially partial to looking at the buildings which hover above the brash and uniform shop fronts in most British town centres - like looking through someones drawers you get an insight to the true character of a place. Is it a grand old Victorian pile masquerding as an ulta modern Boots the Chemist? Or an ultra modern pile masquerading as a grand old Victorian pub? Tonight after a particularly stressful end to the day I landed back on my doorstep with a mixed set of emotions - not all of them happy. Glancing upwards an arresting sight captivated me and all I could do was stand, stare and drink in the view. A beautiful clear night sky with many constellations clearly visible against the inky blue heavens. I couldn't help but be reminded of one of the more beautiful psalms.

"When I see the heavens, the work of your hands, the moon and the stars which you arranged, what is man that you should keep him in mind, mortal man that you care for him?" (Ps 8: 2.4-5)

Nothing like a bit of intergalactic perspective to put things in their proper proportion. Who needs stress eh?

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:57 PM  

National Ride
Friday, October 24, 2003



Gas
Er - not wishing to alarm you or owt but I've just heard that 10 billion tonnes of superhot gas are speeding towards Earth. Do you think I'd better not go to the pub tonight? Can probably leave the heating off too - save a few bob.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:59 PM  

Beige
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Of all the colours available we British have an undoubted fondness for Beige.
Courtesy of Lawrence we know that the natural light in the UK is subdued by all that cloud cover [ oh joy ]. Colours that in other countries look spectacular vibrant and life enhancing are rendered dishwatertastic by our lowly share of sunshine. So we are left with Beige - the colour of fresh baby sick and non branded computers everywhere. Beige is the Aled Jones of colours; safe, predictable, clean looking and neutral. Yes neutral - how I loathe that word. If you want to sell your house it must be neutral. Forget the leather wallpaper and maroon flocked kitchen units - they'll never sell. You have to appeal to your target market and the best way to do that is to go Beige. Beige's first cousin is magnolia - don't get me started on magnolia - you wouldn't like me when I'm neutral.

Questions
Thanks to Harriet for doing her bit = now why don't you have a go? - yes you Mr Lurker - I know you're out there!

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:03 PM  

Cheese please
Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I was a right lazy blogger yesterday. Somehow the change in the weather has sent me into some kind of hibernation sequence. All I want to do is keep warm, drink red wine and eat high calorie foods. Bugger Blogger. All I need is a bushy tail and you can call me 'squirrel nutkin with a drink problem'. So today has been a day of travel arrangements in anticipation of 'Big n Juicy on location' next week. I'm very much looking forward to a proper break after the last few months. Having a postgraduate diploma in guilt I have to make a conscious decision to enjoy myself - weird I know. It's as though I feel I have to earn it - well I can honestly say I have - so there! Bless me father for I have travel plans - it's been far too long since my last adventure. I love the process of planning trips - the sense of possibility - breaking free from routine - being at liberty to do what you want, when you want - as slow or a fast as you choose - with side orders of gratuitous pleasure thrown in at will - oh yes. Next week a number of things will come full circle if my plans work out. Small ambitions I've held for a long time will be realised. Personal growth will occur. From little acorns...
Time for some cabernet sauvignon and cheese

Questions
Mark is the lastest to submit his deepest blog thoughts to the Big n Juicy quest - don't hold back - if you are lurking: the time has come - reveal yourself! If only pseudonymically at least.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:00 PM  

A light dusting of posts
Monday, October 20, 2003


You're back
How glad we are.

Very excited - I'm planning a north n south experience next week - a week of indulgence - yes Big n Juicy is going on location. Yay.

Last week I posed 5 questions to which 7 of my readers were gracious enough to reply. Thanks to:
La P, Zed, BW, Simon, Alan, Birdman, Ron

[ If you didn't reply please consider doing so as I'm very interested to know what you think! ]

I am currently analysing the results with a view to publishing some sort of mish mash cod psychobabbleistic guff as though it were serious research - all of which might feed into my forthcoming phD. I will be back with more when this important phase has been completed.

Stage fright
Be very afraid

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 3:59 PM  


Sunday, October 19, 2003
Like watching a car crash
I hate myself for spending way too much time for looking around this site.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:27 PM  

Tate Britain, Banksyside
Saturday, October 18, 2003


Back in July I wrote about the artist Banksy. In the news today for a cunning stunt at Tate Britain on Friday. He seems to have a bit of a thing about the Tate as symbolising the art establishment. After stencilling 'mind the crap' on the steps pre Turner prize he has now infiltrated it's inner sanctum and glued one of his pieces to the wall complete with caption. The high security Tate only realised what he'd been up to when the glue gave out and the work, which he'd brought in a brown paper carrier and fixed up with what looked like 'No more nails', fell off the wall and the comatose attendants pooed themselves. Irony of ironies the painting is now in the Tate Britain Lost Property Office - nice touch.


More ironic that during a recent visit to Tate Modern bookshop what should I come across but a copy of his book, 'Banging your head against a brick wall'.
"..I'm frustrated by many things but trying to get accepted by the art world isn't one of them. This seems difficult for some people to understand - you do not paint graffiti in the vain hope that one day some big fat tory will discover you and put your picture on the wall."
So Banksy's approach was to put his own picture on the wall. Given his fixing methods and his east end location I'm suspecting he may actually be better known than his anonymity would suggest.

Bring back Carol Smilie it's just not the same.

Ve are asking ze questions
Make sure you are answering zem...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:55 PM  


Friday, October 17, 2003
Blogs, the universe an owt
Do the questions - you know you want to. There wil be follow up...

Future nanotechnology applications - 3
Programmable soup. A generic soup mix containing programmable flavour molecules which can be switched to a variety of flavours by exposure to a variably resonating frequency.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 12:00 AM  

In praise of Autumn
Wednesday, October 15, 2003


On glowing tresses
in golden light
and pink shockers on the roadside
that delight the eye.

On crisp days
with bright sun
still able to warm the back of your neck
before those backward clocks
steal the light once more.

On bright mornings
fresh chilled air
I drink it all in
to set me up for the day.


Anudder question
Why does the average age of Kwikfit employees appear to be around 17?

Future nanotechnology applications - 2
Self removing chewing gum.
Nanoparticles within the gum are activated by contact with saliva and prevent the gum adhering to any surface by virtue of a slippery molecular structure. Gum formulated to dry rapidly to a hard lump on exposure to air so it can be swept up by highly trained roadsweepers in bacofoil jumpsuits with polished aluminium brooms.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:30 PM  

So many questions
Tuesday, October 14, 2003

1. Why do you blog?

2. Will you still be blogging in a year?

3. Google - good or evil?

4. Most unlikely blog topic for you?

5. Blog epitaph?
answers in the comments puhlease

Future nanotechnology applications - 1
Intelligent nail varnish - Rent your nails out to your favourite corporate monolith.
Advertise their wares on your digits. Your friends will be amazed as your fingers flash messages such as "Buy more pies", "Eat luxo leeks" and "Wear St Mungo's undies". Picking of the nostrils infringes your contract - refrain or face termination and shame.

Espresso mucho
I'll have a double shot Latte with extra frothy bits please.
I knew there was a reason I love coffee.
Swim boys swim!

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:19 AM  

John Dalton
Monday, October 13, 2003

A favourite hunting ground during my mis-spent youth was John Dalton Street in Manchester. Never having taken the time then to find out who John Dalton was or what he did I was intrigued today to find out that there is to be an exhibition of his life at the Manchester Museum and in celebration of the bicentary of his Atomic Theory. There is an accepted view that this work is the foundation of nanotechnology which is only just beginning to come into it's own. I've been meaning to do some stuff on nanotech for a while so this could be my starting point. Getting a street named after you is very cool. I'm not one for memorials and such but I think a street with your name on is a nice thing to have and if you have a lyrical name like John Dalton then so much the better as 'John Dalton Street' rolls of the tongue very nicely thankyou. Basically a right clever dicky; he managed to get a statue of himself erected during his own lifetime. I can ony think of one other recent example but she is now thankfully headless. [ If only life could imitate art...]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:43 PM  

Pagans
Sunday, October 12, 2003

On the floor of St Peter's basilica in Rome are a series of bronze plaques with engravings. Each plaque represents the relative size of other places of worship to the 'largest church in the world' [ which St Peter's claims to be ]. The scale of the basilica is such that it's only when you walk up to an object, such as a wall plaque or some such, which in an ordinary church would be proportional with human scale - you find it is in fact slightly 'larger than life' - disconnected with the real nature of things - such is the Catholic Church.

Today I visited for the very first time one of the places of worship featured on those floor plaques. Described there as a 'pagan temple' it has dominated the London skyline for centuries. Today St Paul's was looking a bit tired. Having spent a lot of time in London over the years it's strange that until today I'd never actually been inside the building which perhaps is most famous around the world as being the venue for that wedding. The images of the, now rather ridiculous, dress, billowing up the steps remain in the minds eye. The television pictures of countless national events, brightly lit, played out against the televisually hard looking stone of Christopher Wren's greatest confection have left me with an impression that St Paul's is a cold and unforgiving building. Helped not by the exposed position of the entrance atop Ludgate Hill. Like other 'icons' the building came to be symbolised for me by it's associations and not by it's physical reality. The satirical BBC show, "Not the nine o'clock news" once featured a character, played by Rowan Atkinson, being 'interviewed' about famous London landmarks. Somhehow they all came to have a sexual dimension I'd never formerly appreciated and St Paul's will forever be partly remembered as a "huge titty". Today I stood underneath the very mammary and gazed upwards towards the whispering gallery, partially obscured by scaffolding being used for renovation. Part of the interior has been cleaned leaving it close to the condition it was in when the builders moved out in 1710. What I found was not the cold, unforgiving building I'd expected but a beautifully proportioned and classy interior. Typical British understatement - gold used sparingly. Lovely creamy white stone, soft glowing light from the windows and, most pleasingly a natural hush without the many visitors needing to be silenced. I was nicely surprised by the quiet dignity and beauty of the building. My first visit, long overdue, I hope to follow with many more. When they take the scaffolding down from outside it'll look even better.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:28 PM  

How often does the average man do it?
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Q. Do you update your blog:
a. everyday?
b. once a week?
c. once a month?
d. once a year?
e. what's a blog?

If you answered 'a' you belong to the top 1.2 percentile that does so. According to 'The Blogging Iceberg', a recent survey by Perseus Development Corp only around 50000 of all the blogs in the world are updated daily. If you answered 'd' or 'e' you may be among the staggering 66% of bloggers who 'update' less frequently than once a month. The survey also indicates that bloggers tend to be young with over 50% of bloggers in the 13-19 age group and only 1% in my own age group. Given my decrepitude and frequency of updating this makes me statistically pretty unusual - then again with a blog title like this you knew that all along didn't ya?

Apparently males account for 44% of the blogging community. 46.4% of abandoned blogs are created by males which indicates a need for 'Blog SOS', (a new TV show hosted by a 13 year old girl and featuring a team of geek chicks who descend on abandoned male blogs, humiliate their owners, give them a two day makeover involving lots of girly colours and pointless knicknacks and then wheel in the pathetic owner to burst into tears at the end).

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 7:05 PM  


Friday, October 10, 2003

Enjoying greatly Wild Down Under. Stunning photography, just so narration and the stars of the show are the animals; diverse, numerous, spectacular, stunningly beautiful. Has to be one of the best wildlife series I've ever seen.

Colour scheme
Tell me that Diamond Geezer isn't turning into the Victoria Line will ya? All he needs is a non-functioning chocolate machine over there and he's away. Mind the gap...

Archives
Yippee - just realised I have a full set of archives again after a hairy hiatus back there. [ no, animal hospital was wednesday ] Thankyou Blogger. [ Why am I grateful for them fixing something they shouldn't have broken in the first place? *!+!*! - strewth ]

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 6:00 PM  


Thursday, October 09, 2003
Feeling a bit brighter today after a serious John Major greyday yesterday. What a stunning evening. Bright moonlit sky, stars, no wind, mild temperatures - it's enuff to make you want to enjoy an alfresco guinness or eight. I've spent the day dealing with middle-class preoccupations:
The 'right' to object vociferously in an articulate manner to reasonable conditions happily accepted by millions of people.
The 'right' to believe you are more important than anyone else.
The 'right' to assert your individuality when in fact it is being sustained and paid for by the lowly individuals who sustain your middle class consumer lifestyle.
You detect a negative bias on my part? Hmm - you would be right.

I wonder how you become middle class? Why does the term carry such negative connotations for me? Probably because I equate it with much unpleasantness. Probably because I fear I may be that way inclined myself. I need more medication. I've got some Guinness in the fridge; I'm just going out in the garden...

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:53 PM  


Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Me in no mood for blogging....
shucks

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:00 PM  

Cold comfort
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
What a sad life it must be working for a cold calling telephone selling operation. Having recently been on the receiving end of several of these calls I'm beginning to understand how they manage to sustain the high levels of motivation needed to deal with the constant "F**k off out of my life" responses they must get from their hapless victims. Yes here is my analysis of how to cold call:

Phone at a time when the victim is likely to be engaged in something far more interesting than being sold double glazing or an unbeatable timeshare offer in the Algarve. (ie: phone anytime - Sunday morning is particularly poignant)

Immediately the phone is answered by the victim say their name as forcefully as you can. If the victim grunts you can assume you've got the wrong person - no matter, push on regardless.

Pose the victim a closed question that they will have to answer. Eg: Which details would you like to receive - the double glazing leaflet or the Algarve timeshare video? Thereby draw them deeper into your toxic web of cold call despair.

Do not wait for the victim to respond to your questions - keep going with your script - they will respect you for it in the end.

Bludgeon your victim verbally into submission by carrying on your script regardless of any protests they might make. As they put the phone down continue to chirpily elucidate the numerous benefits to be had from your nasty scheme in the forlorn hope that your victim may undergo a Damascus Road conversion and suddenly decide to sign up thus earning you that desperately needed commission and the approval of your Team Leader.

When you finally realise the futility of your existence decide to spend your life working for those less fortunate than you and get a job working with Cold Callers Anonymous, the charity for the Afflicted Ones who wear Bluetooth earpieces and think they belong to Steps or Nasa. Donate all your money to Amnesty International. Feel good about yourself.

If you, like me have been a victim - this is a very useful site:
The Telephone Preference Service

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 10:24 PM  


Monday, October 06, 2003

One day Ant and Bee decided to host a television show. They called the television show, 'Slop Idol'. Ant said to Bee, "Lets ask Nasty Dog if he wants to be in our televison show". Bee said to Ant, "Nasty Dog will growl at all the people and make them unhappy". Ant said to Bee, "Yes, you are right Bee - perhaps we had better get Simon Cowbrain instead - he is far nicer than Nasty Dog". "Yes", said Bee, "We will ask Simon if he will be on Slop Idol with us and be firm but fair with everyone. He also wears those nice trousers and people will like looking at them". "I like Simon - do you?", Bee asked Ant. "Not really", replied Ant, "Simon is a bit of a B". "I see", said Bee, "Simon C is a B" sang Bee. "Simon C is a B", "Simon C is a B" over and over sang Bee. Bee was buzzing around excitedly and his eyes were going all funny. "Stoppit Bee you'll make yourself ill". Bee didn't stop it and kept on singing, "Simon C is a B", "Simon C is a B" while buzzing around. "I'm going to be famous Ant - I can sing - all the people will hear me and they will want to buy my record of Simon C is a B". "Now look here Bee - you can't sing - all you are doing is making a buzzing noise". Bee did not listen he kept on singing, "Simon C is a B", "Simon C is a B", "Simon C is a B". Ant was worried, Kind Dog had told him that Bee harboured delusions of musical talent and had always dreamt of being a celebrated recording artist of international repute. Ant didn't know what Kind Dog meant but he knew it was bad because Kind Dog always helped Ant and Bee. Ant decided he needed to give Bee a reality check so he told him, "Bee - you sound terrible - like a mad hornet from Albuquerque - you will never be a singer - you will only ever be a primitively drawn character in a childrens book - but millions of children will love you and remember you for all their lives". A tear came into Bee's eye. "Yes Ant - you are right - I can't sing".

Linkage
Thankyewmuchly to La Peregrina - honoured am I.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 9:18 PM  


Friday, October 03, 2003
Lol
"she was like a faded starlet stylised by Primark"
Wrapstar gets social.


Fascinating
I love old photos - particularly those that give you an insight into how people lived in earlier eras.
Today on the BBC news site I came across an item about surveillance photography of the suffragette movement. The photos are great - well worth a look and bring vividly to life the determination of these women to whom we all owe so much.

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 12:49 PM  

Who will it be? The sequel
Thursday, October 02, 2003
The Dr Who casting debate gathers pace. My own humble effort has provoked several offerings which I now present for your delectation below. This is part 2 of my casting guide and this is where it gets interactive [ how I've longed to use that tag meaningfully ]. You have to vote for who you prefer as the next Dr Who - choosing from the selection of individuals from part 1 or this current crop or you can make further suggestions and I'll add them to the list. Marks out of 70 please but you can invent your own criteria [ and I'd be fascinated to know what they are dare I say ] Tom gets full marks because, well, because.

weirdness factor102810
mesmerising eyes10264
idiosyncratic hairstyle potential1061010
wig
kooky voice104109
gadget credibility10854
irony quotient103910
crossroads rating10101010
drD's overall score / 7070354857
 
weirdness factor1199
mesmerising eyes1462
idiosyncratic hairstyle potential4240
kooky voice62610
gadget credibility88108
irony quotient22810
crossroads
rating
81058
drD's overall score / 7030254847
All scores out of 10


Update: Eddie Izzard is being tipped by Blessed Tom.

Lol
"Why would anyone want to pay 200,000 for a 2 bed terrace in a slum where there is a greater percentage of Co2 than oxygen is beyond me. The only positive thing about London is that most of the people who live there love it, and so don't pollute the rest of the country with their superior "we're the centre of the universe" attitude."
Ouch.
Crap towns

freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:29 PM  

It's all over now
Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Gday.
Well we've had an interesting day here at the Bignjuicy animal hospidal.
Earlier on today Bruce Wodonga down the corridor here had a sick Koala brought in. She was a sorry little sheila so Bruce took er and X rayed er furry little head. Well, what a surprise! - Little Kylie the Koala turned out to be pregnant so Bruce swung into action with his marigolds and low and behold - twin Koalas! [ Holds up grey fur ball in cardboard box to camera - crew go 'Awwwwww' ] - aren't they beaut? [ Flicker lights to produce emotional twinkle in eye ]

Bruce was as pleased as punch and Kylie just seemed to take it all in her stride [ shot of dim looking Koala aimlessly nibbling gum leaves in cage ].
Well, we're so excided here at the hossy we're going to hold a competition to name the little babies and we'd like ya to phone us with your suggestions [ calls cost 5 a second at peak time - rates vary at other times - dial 1-800-ROLFSWAGES - check with mum first (if she's in) ]

Well it's noddeasy being on call twennyfourseven but that's what Inspector Beverly Cootamundra has to contend with when she's out and about on sick pet patrol. Lets see what she got up to earlier when she came across a gangrenous wombat down at the shepherds bush market. [ Cut to film clip of wombat rescue routine / helicopters / lipgloss etc. Meanwhile Ralf screams at camera crew about poor lighting technique ]

Welcome back. We're going off air now for a few years to pursue other projects. Bruce and Bev are gedding married in the spring and this lovely liddle lizard is going with them on honeymoon so that Bev can nurse it back to health [ Shot of snarling lizzard ] in between looking after Bruce [ Lights twinkle obviously ]. So thanks to yousall for joining us here at the animal hospidal - it's been bonza.



freshly squeezed for you by drD at 11:15 PM  


 
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