Bignjuicy

Dear Client from Hell,

So you finally realised after two months that I was not going to return your calls.  This was mainly due to your previously having asked me to do that ultra-urgent job overnight and then telling me the next morning that you would not pay for it because you had found someone to do it free. Now you have written to say that I am sacked from your prestigious project / empire / total f**k up of an operation.

We go back a few years.  I kept the bounced cheque you sent me in payment for the first ultra-urgent project. It is next to the photo of you with the dart in it that I pinned up after you told me that I wasn’t really much good at my job but that I was not to be offended.  Now I will add these to your final email and will place all of them in a rusty metal bucket into which I will urinate at a time of my choosing before setting fire to everything and scattering the ashes like a man released from hell.

I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure.
But I can’t.

Yours
drD

PS:  Good luck to your new Victim Contractor, I googled him – interesting history of criminal activity.  I’m sure you’ll get on very well together.
Ciao !

Wishing you well in twenty twelve dear reader.

I’ve been enjoying, for quite some time, the exquisite Retronaut.  All manner of obscure and wonderful visual ephemera grace its pages and it’s updated with satisfying frequency (unlike my organ of late). Today was a bit special – the ‘immigration’ form completed by the Apollo 11 team when they entered the US in 1969 after their little trip away. Self explanatory, wondrous and surreal all at the same time.

I’m growing tired of hearing so many people who can’t speak normally any more. They pepper their speech with stock, media-derived phrases which are glued clumsily together into cliché-ridden sentences. The glue is usually the word ‘like’. The filling is comprised of a mix of standard English, spoken in a pseudo-Jamaican accent with the following seasonings:

‘For free’, ’Awesome’, ’Massive thankyou’, ’You / guys’, ’Fantastic’, ‘Legend’, ’Oh my days’, ‘My bad’, ‘It’s a big ask”.

I wish they’d all just bugger orf and get some elocution lessons innit?